Saturday, June 26, 2010

Dave Matthews Band

It's been years since I've gone to a Dave Matthews Band concert. I'm thinking...maybe 10. Yikes. I was surprised to see high school kids still coming. I thought the crowd might have aged with him. On the other hand, the fact that the crowd never got worked up except for Ants Marching, which is from when I was in college, tells me a couple things have not changed.

1. Most people don't listen to anything that doesn't get played on the radio, because they don't understand the jam band concept. (Contrary wise, the minority own 50 million live concert CDs and therefore EVERY song he plays is their favorite, and every concert is better than the last.)

2. The kids know they can go there and smoke pot without people really giving a damn and couldn't care less what song he is playing.

While I liked the concert okay, the set list was a little too mellow for lawn seats. I think I would have liked it more in the pavilion where the crowd was more lively. It's too hard to carry the enthusiasm for everyone around you (Scott, Chad, and Jen exempted from this blanket statement).

On the other hand, I did have ample texting opportunity. And will now share those with the rest of you. (I will leave in the typos so you can see how truly horrible my texting abilities are after tail-gating for a couple hours. I was DD, so I stopped drinking when we went in to amphitheater, but the beer was so expensive Scott stopped too, so he ended up driving anyway!)

Author's note: Some conversations may have been combined for the sake of narrative.

A: In concert. Shiga has been in his car FOREVER.

A: There is a bald guy in front of me. Pretending he's u.

A: And now in line for restroom agian.

A: And then her friend said "He told me we didn't make out but then he told everyone else we did"

A: Oh bitches just cut in line. I will end them. But mary j smell is great.

Sidebar: The smell of nature's sweet ganja brings to mind so many things in that former life of zero responsibilities called college. It's as the world's foremost expert on Proust would understand from "Remembrance of Things Past", scent is always the most powerful memory. That's an inside joke for Scott.

A: Just finished nacho dinner. Lots of girls named sarah

Sidebar: When I ordered my nachos the nice woman asked if I wanted cheese and salsa or double cheese. My response was, "Double cheese me, baby." In my defense, I had just finished my fifth beer and was STARVING.

A: Another bald guy sighting.

J: Bald dudes love Dave...what can I say.

A: Kid in 80's fushia tank top just walked by. Might as well have siad duran duran

A: And guy playing fake saxaphone

A: Somebody yelled "fuck yeah dude. love u dave."

J: You find Shiga?

A: Guys in opposite football practice jerseys. No shiga.

A: Crazy bitches next to me that can't dance but think they can

Sidebar: I told Scott they looked like they were doing a tribal birthing ritual dance.

A: Scott just told me he was going off to explore AKA find a tree to pee on

Don't you all wish that you had been on the receiving end of those deep thoughts?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A Few Dirty Cups

Zoe's new thing is to move her hips back and forth while sticking her butt out, singing "shake your booty". It has gotten her out of trouble a couple times now, because it is the funniest thing I've ever seen, and she always pulls it out when I'm about ready to go bat shit crazy on her.

(I heard the term this week, and it makes me laugh - bat shit crazy)

* * *

I think Morgan is learning more in 4 days of safety town than she did in all of pre-school. Granted, it is probably easier to learn practical knowledge than the alphabet, but I'm still impressed.

Fire Safety - Stop, Drop and Roll is still going strong. Also, she is not allowed to run back in a house that is on fire to get her pets or stuffed animals. So who the hell is going to save Potter? He can barely get down the steps when they aren't ablaze!

Stranger Danger - "I shouldn't talk to strangers even if they look like grandma's or grandpa's because they could be wearing a disguise and really be a bad person trying to steal me a away." Now she knows my biggest fear and why I can't breathe when I hear an "Amber" alert.

On Wednesday they got to ride on the school bus.
Morgan: "We rode on there for like a half hour."
Carpool Friend: "Yeah, it was like an hour. No, an hour and half minutes."
Morgan: "We passed McDonald's and Chick Fillet."
It's important to know your surroundings.

* * *

I had an annual doctor appointment this week. I got there and the elevators were out, so I had to walk three whole flights! The nerve. Apparently, a telephone poll across the street had caught fire, causing the power to go out. The generator was only enough to keep a few computers running and the lights in the waiting room.

This caused mass chaos, but I'm still not sure why. There was much concern that they couldn't photocopy my new insurance card, even though she wrote all the information down.

Incidentally, how does a telephone poll catch on fire? This was a good hour before the alleged earth quake that I never felt, so it had to have been something else. Curious.

There was a woman in the waiting room (I love waiting rooms) that looked as if she had been locked in a tanning booth for a solid 12 hours. She had on high platform sandals, a mini skirt, tight American Eagle t-shirt and bleach blond hair. She was also at least 40 and wearing frosty pink lipstick. I described her to Scott as a stripper on her day off. Hey, they need the gyno as much as the rest of us, if not more.

On a positive side, they have changed out their flimsy white gowns for these huge robe-like sacks made out of scrubs material. So at least one does not feel like they will be totally exposed if the next telephone poll that catches on fire falls through the building and forces us to evacuate.

The last thing my doctor asked before she walked out the exam room (oh yeah, so it took me an hour and 15 minutes to be called back, 15 minutes with the nurse and 5 minutes with the doctor) was "so do you have any pictures to show me?"

"Hmm, they're probably the same pictures I showed you last year."

And she just laughed and said, "Now that's a real mom. We got too much other crap going on!" Hallelujah, Sister.

* * *

Morgan said about 20 things this week that were hilarious, but I can't remember any of them.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Days of Summer

I couldn't resist a second post this morning. And it stems from something as simple as the garden hose.

It's been a quiet and content morning. I've gotten a lot of reading done on the back porch with Zoe happily putting her babies to bed or walking them in a stroller.

Since we have no commitments until a 2pm christening, I've let the girls stay in their pajamas. Morgan's is appropriately dressed in a Little Mermaid nightgown and Zoe is wandering around in a diaper and Jerry Bear t-shirt, which she proudly points to ever now and then and says "Matt". Because Uncle Matt sent it to her for her birthday.

The level of the water table was getting pretty low, so the first interruption of the morning was the incessant "Mo WaWa, Mo WaWa." I quickly agreed to keep the situation from escalating.

Of course, whenever I get the hose started, Potter has to butt his big head in for a drink, and since Zoe is "Monkey See, Monkey Do" I was able to grab my camera and snap this bit of comradery.

Then Morgan asked if she could hold the hose, and since a higher than average water bill (and okay, a slight scar on the environment) is an acceptable cost to finishing another chapter, I agreed.

By this time, Potter had filled up and had found a shady place to pant it all out of his system, but Morgan thought he needed to be cooled off further. In a testament to how old and decrepit he is becoming, Potter took the indignity like a man until his tortured look forced me to give him a reprieve.

Happy Father's Day!

Morgan: You know how I said we should get Daddy a tie for his birthday?
Mommy: Yes, I vaguely recall.
Morgan: Well, I have an even better idea. Let's get him a tie for Father's Day and a suit for his birthday. Doesn't that sound like a much better plan?
Mommy: OOOOkkkaaayyy.

I'm not quite sure how she came up with the whole tie idea on her own and I thought she would forget about it when we went into Sears yesterday to look for something. But there we were, heading to the Men's department to look for a tie instead of a cool gardening or cooking gadget. Sorry Dad.

But this is a small Sears, and basically has ten square feet of a men's department filled with Land's End and does not include ties. So he was almost off the hook until she spotted something even better than the tie.

"Look at this pink shirt! We can get him this and then a suit for his birthday and then a tie for Christmas!"

If only I could get her to coordinate her own outfits so meticulously.

So yes, when Scott gets home from his triathlon he will be opening a pink, button-down Land's End dress shirt. Just what he's always wanted, I'm sure. But if you had seen the way her face lit up, you would have bought it for him, too.

Oh, and for some reason, she has chosen to hide his present and make him look for it. Very insistent.

Happy Father's Day to any Dad that can keep it together while opening presents from their pre-schoolers. (And to Scott, who now has his birthday to look forward to. How do I not end that sentence in a preposition? "to which to look forward?")

Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke

My main nemesis at work is the Coca-Cola machine...well, actually my main nemesis is the "Dirty Trash Can Full of Poop" but she has been laying low lately, so I'm concentrating my animosity on the vending machine.

We have both a Coke and Pepsi machine on the 11th floor. The 10th floor also has a Coke and Pepsi machine, as well as a cafeteria that has all sorts of beverages to purchase, including Coke and Pepsi products. The problem with the cafeteria is that their bottles of soda cost $1.61, as opposed to the $1.50 the vending machine requires. And they don't have Cherry Zero. Just regular Zero.

So my love-hate relationship with the machine started almost immediately, when it kept spitting back one of the quarters I had given it and I had to run back to my desk for a different quarter and back to the machine before somebody else got there. This would happen intermittently, once I was lulled into a false sense of security and no longer bringing my entire wallet to the machine.

Then when I was pregnant with Zoe, somebody kept parking the huge confidential shred bin right in front of the machine. (I only had one soda a day, I swear.) In your mind you may think this was not the vending machine's fault, but I know better. It gave just enough room for the non-pregnant me to squeeze through, but as I steadily increased my waistline, the opening got smaller. I finally sent out a mass e-mail to all the males of my department, demanding they move the shred bin or risk my pregnant wrath. That worked.

There are two other ways my nemesis tries to thwart me.

1. Refuses any dollar bills, no matter how crisp.

But this is easily solved as I can put the dollar bills in the Pepsi machine and then press the coin return for quarters. HA! Take that!

2. Runs out of Diet Coke and Zero faster than anything else and does not seem to have a regular service date.

So, recently, I was complaining about this in a staff meeting, and the Business Continuity employee who had just joined our department stated that he had the servicer's contact information. (Because that is definitely in the Business Continuity job description.) The machine was filled that day, and they traded out one of the non-used flavors for another Diet Coke section. Wahoo! Secret weapon!

This brings us to today. Now, I knew that the Zero had been out for a few weeks, and one of the Diet's had run out, so I should have seen this coming and been a little more proactive, but still...I get over there with my $1.50 and all three Diet's are now sold out. I get my quarters back from the machine, figuring I'll just head down to 10. That machine refuses to take any quarters. So I have to walk back up the stairs for my additional $0.11 to then walk back down the stairs to the cafeteria and then back up the stairs to my desk. UGH!

Today's victory goes to the Coke machine.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Professor

My favorite blogger (Charlie) is not doing too well (Suffers from emphysema, I believe). Rushed to the hospital and all. I told Scott I was little worried this time. Usually he goes missing, but turns back up and fills us all in on the latest calamity. Or to complain that the ambulance driver wouldn't turn on the siren. But this time he had a friend post for him to let us all know of the situation.

If you've never visited his page before, I highly recommend it. You can even leave a little note of encouragement to his long suffering wife Martha.

It's weird to feel so connected to someone you have never met, but his comments on my crap hole of a blog have always brightened my day. His blog is far superior, whether he's being his usual curmudgeony wise ass or dipping into his painfully serious past with alcoholism.

I find myself checking every few hours to see if his friend has left an update, but so far it's just been an ever-growing comment thread from his hundreds of "followers." We should all hope to be so loved.

Monday, June 14, 2010

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I have nothing to blog about, so I thought I'd comment on some movies I was actually able to watch over the past weekend. None of them involved Strawberry Shortcake.

"So I got that going for me...which is nice." - Carl from Caddyshack

From Here to Eternity

I noticed this was on Turner Classic Movies, and I had never seen it before, so I figured I'd record it. I love old movies, and I'm familiar with the beach scene between Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr.

So familiar, in fact, that somebody was showing me pictures from Hawaii once and they had a picture of this beach. They mentioned that some famous movie was filmed there with Burt Reynolds, but they couldn't remember what the movie was called. I looked at the picture again, and said, "Do you mean Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity?" "Yeah, that's it.

This struck me as funny, because that's a far cry from The Bandit (which is the character I automatically picture when Burt Reynolds is mentioned) making out with some hot rod model in the sand. It also strikes me as sad that I knew a beach from a movie I had never seen. This is why my brain can't hold any more information.

Back to the movie...I didn't even finish it, it was so bad. Every single character over-reacted to every other character. You couldn't go two minutes of dialogue without someone misunderstanding somebody else. Annoying.

So I'm not sure if Deborah Kerr (the tramp) left her husband (the philanderer) to be with Burt Lancaster (the womanizer). And I don't know if Montgomery Clift (the whiner) was forced to box or Donna Reed (the hooker) gave up the business. I'm guessing someone was killed in Pearl Harbor. It was probably Frank Sinatra. But it doesn't even bother me that I don't know, that's how much I didn't like this movie.

Sidebar: "He said I was over-reacting and I said, why would I over react, nobody in my family over reacts!?" Annie in Father of the Bride

Sidebar 2: Despite how much a didn't like this movie, I loved the way everyone looked in it. Those were the days when movie stars were "movie stars" and not "celebrities."

Disclaimer: I read the review of this movie on and that person loved it for all the reasons I hated it.

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

Even Zoe enjoyed it when she sat still long enough to notice. Although the main part she screamed in laughter at was when the Bandersnatch was chasing everyone down, which is slightly concerning.

When it was in theaters, Morgan told me I would have to go by myself because it looked like a grown up movie. Which I agreed, but then didn't end up getting to see it. While there are some scary parts, it wasn't actually that bad. Nothing nightmarish. And she loved it.

This also means that I have yet to actually completely watch the movie, because Morgan kept giving me the running commentary and comparison to other versions of Alice throughout the whole thing. Afterall, she is my child.

"Why isn't her dress the same? How come this time she fell into the hole instead of going through the mirror? You know the other Alice has brown hair and that Hatter doesn't look so weird. Why is this Hatter wearing makeup? Why are those twins mean looking? This Cheshire cat is a different color. I like Alice and The White Queen, who do you like? Do you like the Hatter? Is he supposed to be nice. Is the Bandersnatch nice now?"

I did love it...despite my annoyance from the outset that they combined The Red Queen with The Queen of Hearts into one character even though The Red Queen is not really all that mean in the book.

I will also say this is one of the best mixes of CGI and real people I've seen in a while. The March Hare and Doormouse looked incredibly realistic next to The Hatter.


I stumbled across this on IFC Saturday night and hadn't seen it in ages. It was a tough call between watching this and The Legend of Billie Jean on Showtime (also starring Christian Slater...what are the odds?).

Yes, I'll admit, not as deep as we made it out to be as teenagers, but still a classic. And so many quotes. "F___ me gently with a chain saw," being the most memorable. Sorry, Mom. I almost spit my pop out when Heather C. said it. I forgot that was even from this movie.

Other notables:

Veronica: "What's your damage, Heather?"

JD: Is your life perfect?
Veronica: No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. It's like - they're the people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.
JD: Maybe it's time you take a vacation.

Heather C: I bring you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

Ahhh...children of the eighties. We were so cool.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

They Say It's Your Birthday!

Seems silly to talk about birthdays on a blog named for the Hatter, since he's all about UN-birthdays, but here I go again.

Random thoughts for the big 3-6.

Still don't feel like a grown up. Except when I said the following last week: "If you keep standing like that you're going to stay that way forever." To Morgan, who was hunched over in ape-like knuckle-dragging pouting position.

I was told that 36 is the new 24. Thanks, Shiga!

I never post anything but this blog on Facebook, so I was pleasantly surprised to see all the birthday wishes from the people I stalk quietly.

Does Jodi Picoult write any books that don't make me want to crawl under my covers weeping for the unfairness of life? I mean really. Her writing style is great. She should use her powers for good sometimes. So any suggestions of her writing other than The Pact, My Sister's Keeper, and Songs of the Humpback Whale that won't make me want to become a hermit, send them my way, fellow readers.

On the other hand...thoroughly enjoying Josh Wolk's Cabin Pressure. Already laughed out loud a couple of times and only three chapters in. Real life is always funnier than fiction.

Just because it has vampires and/or werewolves in it, doesn't mean it's good. But bring on True Blood, Season Three. Premieres on Sunday! Yahoo!

I think I can be satisfied with being a writer and not being a Writer. For now.

36 years and the closest I've gotten to Joey McIntyre is an autographed CD. Scott is safe. For now.

Midges, Midges, go away! Ugh....the's disgusting. Is it just me, or is this season lasting FOREVER? And for the record, Scott called me outside last night to look at the clouds of them in the sky and he admitted they sounded just like an idling car. SCORE!

Still don't know how my children will grow up not hating me, when the no's out number the yes's so dramatically.

In an unrelated story: Morgan told me she couldn't wait for her own house so she could plant a cherry tree.

"Because you can do whatever you want at your own house...and then I'll marry, Daddy."

" can't actually marry Daddy."

"Why? Is he not aloud to marry more than one person?"

"That's part of it."

"Okay...but I DON"T want to marry a bald man."

"Duly noted."