Saturday, July 14, 2012

Apropos of Nothing

I caught the opening credits of the 1978 Superman yesterday and was transported back in time.  I haven't seen that movie in at least two decades, but prior to that I probably saw it upwards of 20 times.

We must have rented the VHS tape from Campus Video a lot.  Plus, it was often played as a Sunday Night Movie back in the day when we would get "Network Television Premiere!"s of classics like Star Wars, Rocky, and Smokey and the Bandit.

Yes, I didn't have cable growing up, but there has also been a point in MY lifetime where cable didn't exist.  Just four channels.  On a clear day (or when we could get dad to go up and hold the antennae) we could get six!

Sidebar:  I'm sure my brothers recall fondly the antennae relay game the same as I do.  One person if front of the television.  One person on the second floor landing.  One person in the attic turning the antennae after a big storm went through. Repeating each phrase like a bucket brigade.


Only advantage of having just four channels, this game didn't take quite as long as it could have.

Back to my original random thought.

First of all.  I absolutely do NOT remember this movie opening on the black and white comic book with the little kid reading about the Daily Planet.  Did they add this in recently?

Second of all.  I kind of miss the massive overture theme song while the opening credits roll.  Nothing wrong with a little delayed gratification.  Why wouldn't I want to watch some stellar graphics shoot through outer space, letting me know who I'm going to see in this saga?  Plus, it's extremely helpful to have the screen writer's name in neon script with no other distractions.

And lastly.  This movie is apparently starring MARLON BRANDO and Gene Hackman. 

I get that Christopher Reeves was unknown, but he was the title role and his name came AFTER the title.  Huh?

Now, I'm sure pre-tub-of-lard Brando negotiated top billing for his minuscule screen time.  This equates to Alan Rickman asking to put his name before Danielle Radcliffe's in Harry Potter.  Unheard of.  What a jackass!  And just goes to show that chivalry was dying even back then.

I remember a story from when Gregory Peck (For you kiddos, that's the guy that played Atticus Finch in the To Kill a Mockingbird movie you were forced to watch in English class.) filmed Roman Holiday in 1953, a lovely little romantic comedy. 

He was a big name by then.  A "Movie Star" before there was such a thing as just a "celebrity". 

When they were done filming, he insisted that the unknown ingenue that played opposite him absolutely had to get top billing with him, which the studio had never intended.  But the studio listened.  Their names were side by side, prior to the title.  I'm sure Audrey Hepburn appreciated it.  (Yes, little ones, she became very famous, too.)

I want more Gregory Peck!

Apropos of nothing = Without reference to anything. Without any apparent reason or purpose.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Someone Come Put Me Out of My Misery

You know that bridal shop bathroom scene in Bridesmaids? That was our house last night. Except for the shitting in the sink. And no one actually threw up on someone else head. But otherwise it was exactly like that.

Let’s back up a bit.

On Friday we were supposed to go to dinner with friends and the girls were going to spend the night with my brother. Half way there, John calls to inform me that his daughter has pink eye. Being slightly averse to having a houseful of pink eye, we redirected the kids to Scott’s parents.

While we’re at dinner, a friend texts me to see if Morgan can spend the night at their house. Perfect. Make up for the earlier disappointment.

I go to get Morgan in the morning and Ashley tells me she’s been having tummy troubles and isn’t feeling all that great. I assume it’s a combination of staying up to 2 in the morning and eating snacks before bed.

She’s exhausted and ends up taking a four hour nap in the afternoon before she actually starts to feel better.

Sunday morning, Scott heads off to a triathlon. He calls me on his way home to inform me he was in a pretty big bike wreck and may have broken his big toe. Apparently, he was coming into transition with his feet already out of the clips when he hit a bump and went flying.  (He saved the bike though.)

They tested him for a concussion, but he wanted to keep going all Steve Prefontaine-like, so he ended up coming in 10th place as opposed to 2nd. Bloody shoe and all.

In the evening we went to my family’s big “July 4th” picnic (on the 8th, I know). I completely stuffed myself and was happy to be on my way home so I could lay on the couch.

We turned off the AC and started to enjoy the breeze and Scott decided he was just in too much pain from his foot and his stomach was upset, so he was going to bed. I had to admit, my stomach was not doing me any favors either.

Next thing I know, I hear an ungodly sound coming from the upstairs bathroom – like some heaving moose or walrus or something. Since last I checked we don’t own a moose or a walrus, I had to assume it was Scott. It was also then that I realized I had to use the bathroom…NOW.

So for the next half hour we rotate from bathroom to bed while also noticing the AC fan is still on, despite us turning the system off and it’s actually making the house hotter. Or we could have both had the cold sweats. It’s unclear. We even go so far as to turn the AC breaker off, but apparently the fan is on a different one.

Fuck it. (Yes, I'm dropping f-bombs by this point!)  We turn the AC back on and close the windows. This takes about another half hour as we need to take frequent bathroom breaks.

My body feels like it has been punched every where. My legs are cramped up, probably from massive dehydration, and even my eye lids are having their own little pain circus around my eyeballs.

And that’s when we hear the pitter patter of little feet and Zoe spilling a bucket of water in the hallway. Except it’s not water, it’s puke and it’s coming from her mouth. The joy continues. Unlike when Scott pukes and I have to cover my head with a pillow so I don’t get sick myself, all Zoe’s puking invokes is complete sympathy.

This now rules out food poisoning, because all Zoe ate at the picnic was a hot dog and Doritos. So apparently, Morgan was much sicker than she ever let on and now I feel incredibly guilty that I made her get up and go to Costco with us, because it would be “good for her.” I am a horrible mother.

So Scott goes to cuddle up with a bed full of stuffed animals and Zoe crawls into bed with me and they continue to attempt to throw up their stomach linings and I continue to have my intestines pulled out through my a-hole.

Despite every attempt to sleep last night and today, it still hasn’t happened. You know when you are so exhausted that you start wishing you could somehow induce your own coma…that’s how I feel today.

The moral of this story…

When the universe offers you pink eye, you take it. You take it and say thank you.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Red Flags

I feel like I’ve been holding back on some of the “Kids Say the Darndest Things” moments we’ve had recently, but honestly…my memory has been for shit lately. They say something and I think “I have to blog that.” And then five minutes later it’s gone.

Just like those Jimmy Dean Pancake & Sausage on a stick microwave breakfasts that I should have NEVER tasted.

Morgan: I’m lucky to have you as my mom.
Mom: Well, that’s a very kind thing to say. I’m lucky that I have such a kind daughter.
Morgan: Well, sometimes I’m not very nice at Thea’s to Zoe.
Mom: I think it’s hard for sisters to be nice to each other all the time.
Morgan: Especially little sisters and big sisters. Do you think big sisters are mean to little brothers?

Red Flag: My kid is becoming a suck up.

Zoe: I had a dream last night that I went looking and found a monster with a green face.
Mommy: Was it a mean monster?
Zoe: Yes, he had fire in his hands and he blew Barbie’s head off. But then it was okay because I just went to the basement with Megan.
Mommy: Who’s Megan?
Zoe: Big Megan.
Mommy: Ben and Gabe’s Megan?
Zoe: Yes.

I actually didn’t confirm whether she was talking about one of her Barbie dolls or if she meant my soon-to-be Sister In Law Barbi. I’m going with the doll.

Red Flag: My kids are still calling my step nieces by this inaccurate modifier. How many times do I have to tell them their last name is Jones?

Morgan: I can’t wait until I’m done with college.
Parents: Why exactly?
Morgan: Well, there are two reasons. One is that it means I won’t ever have to go to school again. And two, it means I can start my home job.
Mom: What’s a home job?
Morgan: If I just make art, I can do that from my house and never have to leave it.

Red Flag: If she doesn’t become a Marine Biologist, there go my reduced-priced tickets to Sea World.

Zoe has invented a game called “I Love You Much More Than…” and we take turns coming up with silly things to end that sentence. No kidding, she made that shit up all by herself. Items include: toothbrushes, shoelaces, fans, Potter slobber, flip flops, shower curtains….you get the point.

Red Flag: How long before she changes the game to “I Hate You Much More Than…”