Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mirror, Mirror

I debated writing this until I watched Grimm on Friday, but what the hell…

I’m not sure why the big and small screens have suddenly found their way into my backyard, but I’m not complaining. Yet. Welcome to my world.

Yes, I want to live in a fairy tale. A dark and twisted fairy tale. Preferably one with tuff (Outsiders’ spelling) princesses and slightly flawed princes that happen to be either ruggedly good-looking or boyishly charming. Take your pick.

The rest you of may not have noticed yet how popular the brothers Grimm have been getting. It must be a sad, lonely place out there for you.

I tried re-capping Once Upon a Time about FIVE times, but I can’t do it. I’m not a re-capper. Visit Entertainment Weekly or something.

I like it. It’s not too sunny, but my girls still liked it, if only because they loved Snow White and the little boy Henry who is the only one that has figured out the curse. Also, they were intrigued by the Evil Queen and Rumplestilskin without being completely afraid of them at this time. (There may have been some eye-closing when the queen’s black knights came to steal the baby.)

The fantasy-world is in between HBO and SyFy quality, which I think is pretty impressive for network to invest in. The creators say that it’s going to focus on more than the Snow/Charming story, and as Henry flipped through his fairy tale book, I did notice a picture of a certain caterpillar sitting on a mushroom. I can only hope, but I do know that we will at least meet Cinderella fairly soon.

Favorite supporting characters thus far are Red Riding Hood and the sherriff, only because in my head I think he is the huntsman and should be Emma’s side kick. (Emma being Snow White’s grown up child in the real world that is going to save them all.)

On a way darker side…Grimm starts on Friday, which proposes the original brothers and their descendants hunt down mythical baddies hiding in our world that only they can see. Girls will not be watching this one, but I’m practically salivating because it’s from teams Buffy and Angel. As Zoe would say…”HOLLLA!” (Yes, we watch too much Shake It Up.)

In 2012, there are going to be TWO…not one, TWO…Snow White movies.

The first one is still showing up on IMDB as the “Untitled Snow White Project”. Considering this movie is in post-production, don’t you think it’s about time SOMEBODY came up with a title for it?

It’s going to win someone a wardrobe Oscar, but I’m not sure about anything else. It’s very over the top with the gowns. Apparently, Julia Roberts (as the queen) can’t even take a couple steps in some of the get ups they put her in. Visually very appealing in the stills I have seen.

On the other hand, Snow White and The Huntsman

I’ve been keeping my eye on this one for a LONG time. First off, it was originally just named The Huntsman and had Chris Helmsworth (Thor) in the title role. Reason alone for me to keep my eye on it. Or both of them.

Basically, when he takes Snow to the forest, instead of just leaving her to find the dwarves he becomes her mentor and teaches her how to be some kind of medieval warrior to come back and kick the queen’s ass.

Here’s the flaw with this movie, and it’s a damn big flaw if you ask me. Kristin Stewart is Snow White. UGHHHHH! I don’t know if her Twilight fame is what got them to change the title of this movie, but I DO NOT approve. Do you hear me, Stewart? Acting requires you to become a different character, not make all your characters act like you.

I would much rather she swap with the newcomer Lily Collins who plays the Snow White in the Julia Robert’s one.

In non-Snow White news…

I got a new version of parental anxiety when Morgan asked me if I thought her Halloween costume was weird. Apparently, at a party she went to, some kids kept asking her why she was a crayon and chased her because they wanted to write with her. Oy.

One, I honestly don’t think the kids were being mean, I think they thought they were being funny. Two, Morgan is uber-sensitive.

But it was all I could do to resist my urge to crack some skulls. I am not very over-protective when it comes to physical activity, but my mind starts kicking it into high-gear if I think someone or something is making my kids feel bad about themselves.

I have a feeling Scott is the same way, since his first reaction on my relaying this story is to say that he will go buy her a new costume if she wants one. Which I get, but she LIKES her costume. She didn’t think it was weird until someone questioned her and quite frankly it’s NOT weird. It’s a fucking crayon.

So I take a breath and say, “Next time someone asks why you are a crayon, just ask them why they are a princess or a pirate or whatever they are. I like your costume.” This seemed to satisfy her.

I will now be attending the school’s Halloween parade, which I was going to skip. I just absolutely cannot NOT be there. Wrong?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Greatest Show On Earth

Author’s Note: I started this yesterday…then I did the thing I never do. I watched news. Ugh. I tell you what. If I just watched the news I would have something to blog about every day.

I missed the elephants AGAIN. Every October, I tell myself I am going to get downtown in time to watch them walk from the train station to the arena. And every year, I forget.

As I got back to the parking garage, there stood the big Ringling Brothers trucks. There was even a whiff of elephant in the air. But nope, while the pachyderms were marching, I was interviewing smarty-pants accounting majors for internship positions.

I mean…who needs to finish a double major in Accounting and Economics in three years while on an athletic scholarship for Division 1 football? That’s just plain showing off and I won’t stand for it!

Plus, get your butt over to a Big Four and rake in the big bucks! At least until you want to jump out a 20th story window. You could be auditing the circus. I mean someone has to count the inventory, right? Although, is an elephant considered a fixed asset?

Please hold while I determine if Ringling Brothers is a publicly traded company…nope. Okay, so that idea won’t work.

Political Apathy

I have been apathetic ever since I graduated with a Political Science degree. Why? Mainly because I came to the realization that a two-party system can’t get anything done that will actually benefit real people like me.

So what possessed me to watch the Republican debate last night? It could be the love-hate relationship that Scott and I have with Anderson Cooper. I love him, he hates him. I don’t know. But I got sucked in by the Sarah Palin look-a-like and the bickering and Cain’s ability to let the 9-9-9 plan attacks roll right off him.

Hey…this might be why I became a Political Science major in the first place.

They are all idiots in varying degrees, of course. Who else would subject themselves to that kind of public stoning? Might be my new obsession, but I promise not to blog about it.

Mom Salary

Apparently there is a mom that is trying to get something in the works that makes husbands give 10% of their salary to their SAHM wives as payment for their services.

Huh? I’m not saying that being a mom isn’t work. But don’t you already share ALL of your husband’s salary? How else would you have food, clothing and shelter? So is the 10% for discretionary spending on yourself? If so, does he get 10% discretionary spending on himself? I just don’t get it.

Scott and I both work outside the home, but I don’t keep my salary separate from his. It all goes in one place. How is being a stay at home mom different? Feel free to comment, ladies. I know you are reading this.

Exotic Pets

Don’t do it! That’s all I have to say about that.

The Moss Man

Oh, local news. The Moss Man was multi-tasking this morning - preparing some stir-fry while giving his movie review. This morning was a review of The Three Musketeers based on the book by Alexander Dumas.

Dumas. It’s French by the way. And therefore not pronounced Doom-ahz. The “s” is silent, Dumb Ass.

Also, he made sure to note that it is actually about four musketeers. Um…no, David. D’Artagnan WANTS to be a musketeer. He is not. So it really is about THREE musketeers. I promise. They aren’t doing fuzzy math.

I want to note that I have never read The Three Musketeers. But I am literate enough to understand the story, and even if I wasn’t, it just proves he didn’t actually watch the movie.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Bitch is Back


Far be it from to tell people what to do with their lives…however…if you are the adult monitoring the school bus stop outside the apartment building, do you think…just maybe…you could handle not smoking your cigarette for FIFTEEN MINUTES. Set an example, dude!

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Take, for instance, the PTA General Meeting. The one flipping thing I’m in charge of as Vice President. (At this point I am apologizing to anyone related to or friends with my nemesis…it’s just…well, it’s just me.)
Arrive at the elementary school and it is locked - custodian MIA. When we are finally able to catch his attention through another doorway, he saunters over and accuses us of being twenty minutes early.

Me: No, I asked for 6:30.
Him: No, your form said 7:00.
Me: (and yes, I should have shut up at that point) No, it said 6:30.

At this point I am of course thinking that I might of possibly wrote the wrong time…not on the reservation…but on the form I faxed over with the set-up diagram.

At this point he is probably thinking, “Suck it, bitch!”

Then we ask for our normal table in the hallway for people to pick up name tags and sign in. He points to a smaller table that he set up over by the fish tank “like my diagram said” and “why didn’t I say I just wanted the same set up as before.”

Me: I faxed the same form with the same set up that we used last year. I didn’t change anything.
Him: Well, you should have just told me that you wanted it the same and skipped the picture, because I put it like the picture.
Me: *defiant stare*

Seriously? I used the same god damn picture! That I know for an absolute fact. Or did I somehow change the picture when I copied it onto the new sheet?

I hate that feeling.

Until I go home and look at my form that clearly says 6:30 and looks the exact same as last year’s form. HA! You suck it, Mr. Custodian! I was right and I hope you went back and looked at my form to see how right I was, because it really gets me a teeny tiny bit worked up when people tell me I am wrong when I am most definitely always right!

P.S. We really appreciate that you set the chairs and tables up for us and let the babysitters use the equipment closet in the gym to keep the kids occupied.


So can you believe that 2 Broke Girls has the highest ratings of the new series that have premiered (according to “Entertainment Weekly”)? Who is watching this piece of crap? The 2 girls both appear to be reading cue cards a la Saturday Night Live - which is fine for a sketch comedy, but not a sitcom. Kat Dennings’ signature sarcastic delivery is apparently just masking the fact that she simply cannot act.

And Free Agents got cancelled after three episodes. There is no justice in this world.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

One Act Play by Morgan N.

Overheard at the Fisher Price Little People barn this weekend:

Meddling Neighbor: Hello, there. Why are you keeping your baby in a stall?
New Age Mother/Organic Free Range Chicken Farmer: Oh, he keeps that stall very clean. There are never any spiders in it. So it is perfectly fine for him.

(I cannot make this shit up.)

This is how I imagine the scenario playing out.

The close-minded, interfering neighbor (somewhat resembling a goat) immediately calls children's services who arrive a few hours later. Despite the obvious fact that the stall is diligently kept free from any household pests, including the most horrid of arachnids, the infant is immediately seized and placed into protective custody.

The single mother does not have the financial wherewithal to hire legal representation, so the court assigns her case to a lackluster attorney, currently under a community service arrangement to prevent himself from being disbarred. He shows up to the hearing wearing beach gear and carrying a bunny.

The mother makes a desperate attempt to explain how her communal living arrangement with all creatures great and small would be a benefit to any child, teaching circle of life; reduce, reuse, recycle; and the advantages of compost. However, the state prosecutor enters Exhibit A - a picture of the infant covered in mud, holding an ax over the head of free range chicken.

The child is placed in foster care and later becomes entrenched in the punk scene. He spends all the money he makes from selling drugs to provide further detail to his full-body tattoo of a spiderweb.

The farm and mother fall into disrepair. Eventually, she is seen eating from the pig trough and the rest of the farm animals have to clean up after her.

The neighbor is eventually found decomposing in an empty grain silo. She appeared to have her eyes pecked out by chickens.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Show Me That Smile Again

Speaking of Top 5, I hear that Rolling Stone put out a list of the best TV Theme Songs.

10. "The Golden Girls"
9. "Sanford and Son"
8. "Miami Vice"
7. "That 70's Show"
6. "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"
5. "The Sopranos"
4. "Friends"
3. "M*A*S*H"
2. "Hawaii Five-O"
1. "Cheers"

And while I do have all sorts of love for the majority of their list, I have to say Sandford and Son? Come on...does it immediately bring up images of looking through a dusty pick up truck window at the streets of despair? Yes. Best TV Theme Song? Please.

Now, anyone who ever watched the show The List, knows there is no definitive answer to the top "whatever" question. And I don't particularly like my lists to be so general, because how could I rate an instrumental theme song against a catchy jingle sung by Alan Thicke? Also, by separating them I can pick more.

(Note: Obviously, my list is going to be from shows that I actually watched.)

One Rule. The song can't be an actual song on the radio, that's cheating. As much as I love the Friends opening credits, it is immediately disqualified, because it was on a Rembrants CD before it was the theme song. Actually, it pretty much disqualifies every show after 1990, because TV producers started getting lazy. On a side note, the award for the best ability to pick a good song definitely goes to HBO. Sopranos was mentioned above, but I think Jane's Addition's "Superhero" for Entourage and Chris Issak's "Bad Thing" for True Blood are more kick ass.

My top 10 Instrumentals

10. Magnum PI (I'll credit Scott for letting this slide into the number 10 spot when he mentioned it. I love me a mustached private investigator with a penchant for Hawaiin shirts.)
9. Deadwood (This might not be the most well known of HBO theme songs, but I rarely fast forwarded through it, I loved it so much.)
8. Taxi (AKA "Angela's Theme" - who knew that tasty bit of Trivia?)
7. Mad Men (Have been watching this on Netflix and I cannot get over how much I love this tune.)
6. Wings (Bet you can't actually hear it in your head right now, but Google it. Fabulous. And a highly under-rated show.)
5. Beverly Hills 90210 (Strictly for the Jason Priestly fist-punching action. Da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da Chh-Chh.)
4. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Makes me want to go out and kick some vampire ass.)
3. The Office (Always brings a smile to my face and reminds me of my friends at Ernst & Young on the Goodyear engagement.)
2. The A-Team (Come on, how can you not hum along? And they are soldiers of fortune!)
1. M*A*S*H (This fun ditty is actually called "Suicide is Painless" and does have words if you buy the piano sheet music.)

Honest to god, I tried to think of any theme song that has occurred in the last two decades that doesn't break my rule and with one exception (which I actually thought was an 80's show anyway) I could not do it. I even Googled a list of TV shows to jog my memory and the only thing it brought to mind was Mad About You (good, but not Top 10 material). Which only goes to show that the 70's and 80's were indeed the best decades of all times.

10. Alice (I'm not exactly sure what it is about this song that makes it onto my list, but it bumped out Family Ties just barely.)
9. Saved by the Bell (my concession to the 90s that I thought was 80s)
8. Facts of Life (I had a tough time choosing between this and its predecessor Different Strokes, but in the end I had to stick with my girls.)
7. Dukes of Hazard (I looked and it appears Waylon did this song for the show, so the good ole boys don't break my rule)
6. Silver Spoons (Nothing to do with the song, but I'm pretty sure Ricky's biological mom (not Kate) was eventually Steve Sanders mom on 90210, for those keeping up with my recent binge of my favorite zip code trivia.)
5. Welcome Back, Kotter (This was so 70's there should be a law against it.)
4. Laverne & Shirley (If you do not know this song, you should be shot.)
3. Mary Tyler Moore Show (Who can turn the world on with a smile? Come on. That's pure gold.)
2. Charles in Charge (This is the 80's theme song answer to Welcome Back, Kotter. I want Charles in charge of me, damnit!)
1. WKRP in Cincinnati (Not convinced? It's a SONG about a RADIO STATION! And at the end it gives the radio station's call sign. Get it...it's like its own commercial. So many levels. I can't even begin to unravel it's simple complexity.)

Baby, if you ever wondered,
Wondered whatever became of me.
I'm living on the air in Cincinnati -
Cincinnati WKRP.
Got kind of tired of packing and unpacking.
Town to town, up and down the dial.
Baby, you and me were never meant to be.
Just maybe think of me once and awhile.
I'm at W K R P in Cincinnati.

Editor's Note: I was going to embed all the videos, but that crashed my blog. Then I was going to link to the videos, but that crashed my blog. So you'll have to YouTube them yourselves, but it's worth it. And maybe I will post some of them to facebook, because rainy days are the best for YouTube.

Bonus Points if you know the show whose theme song is the title of this blog post.