Monday, November 28, 2011

Say Cheese

Just a few notes of thanks for the last year.

To Grandparents (and Great Aunts and an occasional Uncle) who provide a steady stream of free babysitting – we could not do it without you. And to the step-nieces that get a small fee – you are well worth it.

To AT&T Uverse – it’s been a bumpy road this year. Thanks for the new receiver and router. I think we are finally set. P.S. Your hold times still blow.

To Morgan and Zoe who continue to be the standard by which I measure myself. Some days are epic fails, but thankfully the successes outnumber them – for now.

To HoHo who has not been the death of Potter – yet.

To new friends who have come into our lives at a time when I thought I was too old to make new friends – despite the fact that you occasionally show up in my blog and have seen what happens when I do shots, you’re still here. Phew!

To old friends who know things about me that are best kept to themselves – we may have less time together now, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could see you.

To Suri’s Burn Book – just one of a few examples I can site of people who are meaner than me.

To Scott…earlier this month he came home and said, “Did you know they already have the Christmas music going on Sirius?” Guess what station has been on in his car almost every time I’ve gotten in? And when we had that really cold spell before this last warm one he said, “I suppose we better make room for the cat in the basement so I don’t get blamed for him dying.” Guess who cleaned the entire basement this weekend?

I’m thankful he is such a closet cheeseball, because I get a lot of allowances.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

How to Cook a Turkey

Morgan's first grade class was given the assignment to write directions for cooking a turkey.

The instructions also state they should include a list of ingredients, oven temperature and time; but clearly Morgan felt those things to be less than important. Obviously the ingredient is one turkey and a hot oven until it is done.

It is also clear that Morgan finds vowels optional.

1. The frst thing to shoot a trcey.
(Should I be worried that she was able to spell the word "shoot" correctly?)

2. then you rost a trcey
(I should warn those of you that have stumbled onto this blog because you actually want to know how to cook a turkey that there are actually several steps between 1 and 2, so maybe consult another source.)

3. then we tac it owt of the uvin
(That is how oven should be spelled. The English language makes no sense! Also, when I read the word owt, I wondered if the turkey got hurt by the tac.)

4. then we put it on the chray
(Chray makes total sense, as well. Ugh! No wonder our kids are illiterate.)

5. then we srv it to my famle.
(Just in case you were planning on using it as a decoration instead.)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Rock N Jock Revival

So for those of you that tend to tune me out and therefore are unaware of the fact that I have obsessions other than The Hunger Games, I am campaigning to bring back MTV’s Rock N Jock softball game.

This new quest is a direct result of two things. My deep desire to find a cause I could absolutely stand behind one hundred percent…and three or more Kirschner Vodka Tumblers consumed while reliving the years 1989 – 1992 with D&G. (FYI - not Dolce & Gabana)

When I first announced this quest on facebook, November 8, 2011 (a day that will henceforth live in infamy), I had little to go on other than a vague inclination that it had been spoken of in a drunken stupor in September.

After I did a little more research…I still had little to go on. Because – apparently - there is next to no video footage available. The only articles I was able to find were outraged protests at the lack of video footage available. The best source I found was a blog written not more than two weeks prior to my facebook post on this very same subject. That’s a SIGN, people!

A sign that the time has come. I’m not satisfied with just getting my hands on the video replays. I want an honest to goodness softball game. And I want Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese to coach. And I want Chris Connelly to give play-by-play. (Oh geez, I probably should have made sure these people aren’t dead yet.)

And you can bet your ass that I want the Jonas Brothers to take the outfield. (Yes, the point is that they are not quite relevant any more – remember the Nelson twins?) And I want Ty Burrell from Modern Family, because that would be some seriously funny shit. And that guy that plays Castle, because he shows up every where.

The real trick is definitely going to be finding some non-douchebag athletes. We may have to resort to women’s soccer and the WWE. I mean, we can always count on the snow boarders and BMX crew if we have to.

I have one rule.

There will be zero, nada, zilch, absolutely NO reality show anti-celebrities allowed on the field. Unless it is to get extra points or automatic home runs for beaning them in the head.

You guys think I’m joking. I will let you know when I have my all-star roster in place. And I will most certainly let you know when MTV calls me to produce the whole damn thing.

Feel free to sign your name in the comments if you agree with my campaign.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Hunger Games Trailer or This Alice's Rabbit Hole

Is it sad that I spent an inordinate amount of time reading reviews of a movie trailer? Yes. Is it going to stop me from giving a review of my own? No.

And while this is shamelessly stealing from what others have done…Top 5 moments of The Hunger Games trailer…in a very particular order.

  1. Katniss volunteering to take her sister’s place in the reaping. I had the same gut-wrenching feeling I had in my stomach when I read it almost two years ago. But since Yvonne and I had locked ourselves in a conference room to watch it on her phone, I refrained from actually crying in front of her. That is THE scene that pulls you in. PERIOD. It is spot on and you can hear it in Jennifer Lawrence’s voice. I’m thrilled with that casting decision. Maybe we won’t have to see Kristen Stewart in so many movies now.

  2. The brief glimpse of Haymitch giving Katniss instructions before she goes in front of the Gamemakers for the last time. For some reason people are complaining about how Woody Harrelson appears. I disagree. I could see that hint of Haymitch from Mockingjay that was hiding under the surface in The Hunger Games and I loved it.

  3. Peeta and Katniss on the roof/Gale saying goodbye to Katniss after the reaping. Because there IS a love story here. Even if it is hidden under the death and tragedy of the Capitol.

  4. Katniss looking back at Cinna right before she heads to the arena, because he is the ONLY person she has had complete faith in. She doesn’t trust Peeta or Haymitch at this point, and she knows this is going to be the last friend she sees. It’s like they are both wishing they could change their minds and not send her in. Also reminiscent of a scene to come in Catching Fire and I love me a little foreshadowing.

  5. Wes Bentley and Donald Sutherland as Seneca Crane and President Snow. Two people who had absolutely no lines in The Hunger Games, but so crucial to the story. I had never even really thought of Seneca before, but now that I’ve seen him…that beard and the slick evilness of him…I hope he gets more screen time.

Sorry if you were hoping for another blog post about my magical life, but I had to take time out and pay homage. March 23 cannot come fast enough.

Monday, November 7, 2011

How to Kill a Dust Bunny

Friday night I almost cried. It was right before bed and I absolutely could not breathe – even after resorting to a Breath Right strip.

Attractive? You betcha.

Fortunately, I realized that I had the strip too low and finally was able to get some relief when I put a different one on.

This has been going on and off for about a month. Plus, Scott and Zoe have this weird cough/cold and I swear Morgan’s nose runs like a faucet. She probably is the sole reason that her class needed all those boxes of tissues at the beginning of the year. (God, I hope she is using tissues.)

New Saturday plan. I needed to do some heavy duty cleaning. Not just run the vacuum and dust the tabletops. I’m talking a kick-ass Martha Stewart spring cleaning. In November.

Comforters and mattress pads hit the washing machines. Window panels and throw rugs were taken outside for a beat down. Dust bunny propagation put on hold. Lysol on everything that did not move.

I worked for a solid three hours on Saturday before taking a seven hour break to go to a birthday party (consisting of shopping for birthday gift, driving 45 minutes to party, stopping for dinner with Nana and Papa Sid/Leo, driving another 35 minutes home).

Then came back and was able to finish one bedroom. One. This was serious cleaning, people. We even flipped our mattress.

Good thing I would get an extra hour of sleep.

Yeah, right. Zoe had fallen asleep at 7 from all the excitement of the day, so she woke up before 6. I was back to cleaning the house by 7AM.

Worst part: ceiling fans.

Ceiling fans are on non-stop in our house. We have radiator heat and our air conditioning comes through the attic. Upstairs is sweltering in the winter and freezing in the summer. We are always trying to move the air down. You would think this constant movement would prevent build up.

You would be wrong.

If it is true that dust is made up of dead skin cells, then I may have been able to reconstruct a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz.

So…we are now allergen free…upstairs.

I still had to put a Breath Right strip on last night and today I stole a box of Kleenex from a co-worker who just left on maternity leave. I’ll replace it before you get back, Kelly.

You know what will really piss me off though. If Morgan comes home with lice this week – seven confirmed cases at her school. That will make me bat-shit crazy.

I’d also like to tell you how much else I got accomplished this weekend, but then I’d want to punch myself.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Walrus and Carpenter

Author's note: If you have ever seen the Disney version of Alice and know who I mean by the Walrus, you have a pretty good picture of the following individual.

Every work day I arrive at my parking garage around the same time as another gentleman. The very fact that I notice this person in the wee hours of the morning (anything before 10 AM), should provide some foreshadowing that there is something peculiar about him.

Typically, he has already backed his utilitarian van (somewhere between standard and mini, non-metallic gray, box-like) into the space directly across from the elevator.

Here he waits while he finishes his cigar. Every day. He smokes an entire cigar by 8:30 in the morning. Every day. I can literally breathe in the secondhand smoke, and we’re parked in an open garage by the Q.

I actually used to not mind when my dad would smoke cigars outside while working on one of the tractors – to keep the bugs away, he said – but I’ve changed my mind.

It may surprise you to know that this man is not otherwise the picture of perfect health.

He is about 200 pounds overweight, walks with a hitch in his step, and can almost always be counted on to hack up a lung in the short walk to the elevator which he insists you hold for him if he has started to open the door to his hot rod.

In a perfect world, the elevator could make it down and back up in the amount of time that it takes him to walk from the van. Of course, this is Cleveland so the elevator actually takes considerably longer than that.

He will not thank you for holding the elevator, but will allow you to wallow in his cigar perfume for the ride.

I now take the stairs.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Curtsy While You're Thinking. It Saves Time.


The best part of waking up at three in the morning because your little one needs a drink is realizing that you still have three more hours to sleep. The worst part? WAKING UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING!


I feel like the month of November should be relaxing. I will be taking down the Halloween decorations today. I’m not in charge of anything pertaining to Thanksgiving other than showing up. I only have the following obligations:

Taking the girls to see The Wizard of Oz play.

2 ECPTA field trips with Zoe (including a tour of Heinen’s – so she can show everyone where the bathroom is – and a tour of Chick Fil A – her FAVORITE place to eat! Holla!)

ECPTA General Meeting, ECPTA Board Meeting, ECPTA State of the Homes Tour Meeting, ECPTA Girls Night, PTA Scholarship Auction, ECPTA Adult Outing Beer Tasting.

Oh and I also have to volunteer for the no-fun PTA (elementary school) at the Book Fair.

And then there is a Relay for Life Captains/Committee meeting. Which I’m only attending because I’m the co-captain of the ECPTA’s team.

Yeah…written out like that, my life is very sad.

Also, I must take the girls to see The Muppet Movie. I totally screwed Morgan over on A Dolphin Tale, because we knew Zoe couldn’t sit through it.


In the car

Zoe: Do we have robots in our tummies for when our brains don’t work?

Mommy: I wish.

On my facebook wall

Michelle: I totally just headbutted you but...Tim [our cab driver] is wearing stretch pants!!!!

(I promise, we were drunk, but that might be my favorite quote ever!)

Zoe had a bad cold and wasn’t quite up to trick-or-treating

Morgan: I promise you can have some of my candy, Zoe.

(Not sure I will ever hear something like that again, so it needs to be recorded for posterity.)