Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Adult Truth #11

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Now this depends on your definition of productive. I mean, I personally consider studying the Fall TV Line Up productive. I have to make DVR arrangements. There are mathematical calculations involved.

Number of shows on a given night in a given hour or consecutive hour (because all shows are scheduled to record for five minutes after their scheduled end time – which did not help me on the VMAs, because they ran so far over it still cut off before The Hunger Games sneak peak.)

Number of shows total I can watch in a given week - Number of shows that Scott watches but doesn’t erase in a given week, thus causing me to go in at a later date and erase 10 Deadliest Catch, 7 Top Chef, and 13 My Super Sweet 16 (just kidding) all at once.

Number of hours available on my DVR given the fact that I am not allowed to remove certain items once they have been recorded, specifically from the Disney Channel.

That’s productive.

Going down to the Marriott, buying a Klondike bar and eating outside by the fountain while observing the Medical Mart construction…not so much.

Then again, there are certain things that I am required to do for my job that I also don’t consider productive, so maybe it all evens out in the end.

I guess we should only be nervous if this breaking point comes before lunch.

So for your viewing pleasure:

New Shows I’m Definitely Checking Out:
Up All Night and Free Agents (NBC sitcoms on Wednesday nights starting 9/14 and thankfully not conflicting with Modern Family)
2 Broke Girls (CBS sitcom on Monday starting 9/19 starring the girl from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist)
New Girl (FOX sitcom on Tuesdays starting 9/20 starring Zooey Daeschenal who I love!)
Revenge (ABC drama on Wednesdays starting 9/21. It takes a very good pilot to get me hooked onto a drama, due to my television ADD.)
Whitney (NBC sitcom on Thursdays starting 9/22)
Suburgatory and How to Be a Gentleman (ABC sitcoms on Wednesdays starting 9/28. Hopefully, by the end of September I will have my Wednesday nights figured out, because adding these will put the DVR over the edge. But…hello? Kevin Dillon as a life coach? Sign me up.)

New Shows I Will Only Check Out if They Don’t Take Up DVR Real Estate:
Ringer (because Sarah Michelle GellarFKA Buffy…enough said)
Charlie’s Angels (because that’s how old I am)
A Gifted Man (because Patrick Wilson has been highly under-rated)
Pan Am (because I’ll try out a period show any day)
Terra Nova (because I’ll try out a SciFi show any day, too)

My Old DVR Setting Keepers:
Glee, Modern Family, Community (so excited they overlooked last year’s sophomore slump and kept this show on), and Boardwalk Empire.

Other Notable Items:
If October comes and I’m not out of my mind or DVR space, I may or may not check out: Homeland (Showtime), Hell on Wheels (AMC), Grimm (NBC), and Once Upon a Time (ABC)

Mario Lopez will be the host of a new hidden camera/reality show called H8R where he finds people that have gone on record as hating certain “celebrities” (using quotes because examples given are Snookie and Kim Kardashian) and arrange for these people to meet, giving the celebs a chance to change the “hater’s” mind. My question: Who the hell keeps giving this jock strap work? A.C. Slater, people! He still has a job while millions of Americans are on unemployment. Where is the justice?

I don’t watch Two and a Half Men, but I used to watch That 70’s Show. Do I think Ashton Kutcher can replace Charlie Sheen? I don’t know. Does his hair look bad in the promos? Most definitely.

I will not DVR it, but I will try to catch The Sing Off every now and again, if only to say hi to my good friend Nick Lachey (that’s for you, Leslie).

If you ever want to torture me, close me in a room and only play the following shows: CSI (any city), Law & Order (any unit), NCIS, Hawaii Five-O and Grey’s Anatomy.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Contrarywise, What it Wouldn't Be, It Would

Unfortunately, I was unable to record the dozen or so conversations I had with Morgan over the last couple of days that have been truly blog-worthy. Suffice it to say, she has really enjoyed getting back to school.

Everything is exciting – from sitting next to our neighbor’s grandson in the classroom to walking past the teacher she hopes to get next year in the hallway.

Snag 1. (Background: Thea is still on vacation, so in an effort to make things as simple as possible, I drive Morgan to the bus stop she should be on if Thea was home. This is also where I expect her to be dropped off, as that is what I put on my transportation form. ) But I don’t know what the heck they did over there in the bus garage this summer. I never got a transportation letter with my schedule and bus stop assignment. The teachers didn’t have their transportation information still at “Open House”. All very suspect.

So as I’m driving to pick up Morgan, I get a call from the school.

“Morgan says she should be getting on the bus, but we have that her babysitter will be picking her up.” Huh? I’m glad my 1st grader knows what’s going on.

“No, Morgan is a walker on Wednesdays only. The other days she rides the bus to the sitter’s.”

“Oh, do you know what bus she is supposed to get on?”

Okay, I realize there are fifty million screaming kids in the background and it’s not the elementary school’s fault at all, but you’re asking ME?

“She got on bus 15 in the morning, and according to the website, bus 15 drops off at this spot in the afternoon, so I’m assuming it’s 15.”

I got my child back. The buses were only running 25 minutes behind.

Her movie request after the first day of school? Jaws 3. Not quite sure what her subconscious is telling me there. She kept explaining things to Zoe and Zoe just nodded her head in awe.

“See, Zoe. When Jaws pulls that person under water the actor doesn’t really die. She just has to stay under the water until the camera goes away and then she can come up.”

Then she asks me all these movie production questions like I’m some special effects expert.

“Where does the guy that got eaten by Jaws go? Does he have to stay inside the robot Jaws for the rest of the movie? Do they pull him out the other end?”

You try explaining film editing to a six-year-old.

Snag 2. Hit it the second morning when I had to warn her about the lice check, which she apparently remembers from last year, because she immediately went hysterical about them taking her braids out and not being able to put them back in.

This makes no sense, because last year she raved about the lady that re-braided her hair and how she did it “Just like Mommy.” Completely irrational. I have no idea where she gets it.

Meanwhile, I’m sure my new hire at work thinks I do absolutely nothing. I was only in the office three days this week and the first two were short because of all the PTA goings on in the evenings.

And I had more e-mail to go through Friday when I got back than I did after my vacation. So even though we sit in the same row, I think I talked to him twice (not counting instant messaging him despite the fact that he could probably hear me at his desk if I just spoke in a normal voice).

Here’s to next week getting back to a normal and dull routine. Dull is good.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dirty Cups, Volume 376

I have to postpone my "Adult Truth Tuesday" because this tea party has made a mess of the cups.

Home Sweet Home

Best part about coming home from vacation? Feels like we live in a mansion. And for those of you who packed in to our spring beer tasting party like sardines, you know that is not the case.

First of all, we had a GREAT vacation and the villa was VERY nice....it was also the size of our living room. The whole thing. The size of our living room. I’m pretty sure I’m not exaggerating.

It really didn’t turn out to be much of a problem, but it was a slight shock to the system. I will say whoever took the pictures for the online listing is a genius!

Worst part about coming home from vacation? Still finding sand everywhere.

Girls were exceptional on the twelve hour ride home. Just to recap for your viewing pleasure: The Pacifier, Tinkerbell, Beauty and the Beast, and The Black Cauldron. (Zoe’s favorite part of The Pacifier? When the little girl tells Vin Diesel he has big boobs. Cracks her shit up!)

Week From Hell

*First day back to work (plus it was my new hire’s first day – I’m sure I made a great first impression).
*Elementary school Room Parent meeting. Only one other mom showed up for Morgan’s classroom and neither of us want to be the stinking room parent.
*Early Childhood PTA Budget Review. Perhaps one glass of wine too many? Nah.

*School supply shopping…nothing like waiting till the last minute. P.S. Why don’t they make pre-sharpened No.2 pencils? I have a blister from sharpening the requested TWENTY FOUR pencils. P.P.S. What the hell do you need a clean athletic sock for? I cannot wrap my head around that one.
*1st grade “open house”. Please refer to last year’s post at this time to understand how much it is NOT an open house. But at least we learned from our mistake. We weren’t even the last ones there. We’re improving! (Note: Still no volunteers for Room Parent. Finally, the mom that was at the meeting with me broke down and took it. For the record, it was easier to get two Lice Checkers than one Room Parent.)

*School clothes and lunch box shopping. Morgan has also requested if she could have “like a high school bag, not a backpack”, meaning she wants a messenger bag. WTF? Currently under debate, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with her backpack from last year. I mean, they don’t actually carry books in it, so it’s not like it’s worn out.
*Early Childhood PTA Board Meeting. We get to tell everyone the results of the FOUR HOUR budget meeting.

*First day of school. I guess this really isn’t a tough day for me. I’m taking the day off so I can be at the bus stop at pick up and drop off. And I’ll spend the rest of the time alone with Zoe…so maybe it IS the toughest day for me.

The weekend cannot come fast enough. So I will leave you with this after all...

Adult Truth #9
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Adult Truth #13 and Hilton Head Vacation, Part 1

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

It also should prevent you from doing stupid things like typing Rockville, SC instead of Rock Hill, SC. Luckily Rock Hill is further north than Rockville (and Scott has an internal GPS gene), so we never actually went the wrong way.

To be fair, there are also two Rock Hill, SC; so even if I had typed it correctly the firs time, chances are I would have chosen the wrong one.

The point is, we made it well past Rock Hill the first night, hunkered down at a skeevy Days Inn and made it to the Hilton Head villa the next day ahead of schedule.

* * *

The girls did really good on the way down. Mainly because on Friday I went and purchased at dual screen portable DVD player. This is where having kids addicted to television (and snacks) comes in handy. They are easily bribed.

Half of a bag of M&Ms + a quarter box of Mini Nilla wafers+ The Labyrinth + Toy Story 2 + 2 nugget Happy Meals (with apples, please – we are very health conscious) + The Wizard of Oz + Alice in Wonderland (Johnny Depp version, naturally) + McGriddles and hashbrowns + Jumangi + all the Lady Gaga and Britney Spears I have on my iPod = 1 very pleasant drive for Mommy and Daddy.

Well, Daddy probably would have been better without the Britney Spears, but it was a small price to pay.

Note: I am also lucky that my kids watch age inappropriate movies that last longer than 60-90 minutes.

* * *

The first day in the villa was still difficult. I definitely was not yet in vacation mode and felt myself being very snappy. I blame it partially on the fact that Morgan speaks like she’s twelve, so when she acts like she’s…I don’t know…six (which is, in fact, her age)…I can’t reconcile myself to it.

But seriously, how many times does a person have to be told that life is not a game of Twenty Questions?

I totally apologize to my parents. I had to have almost been the death of them at this age. If I come out of this alive, will I find out that there is a survivor’s club for veteran’s of smarty-pants first graders?

Anyway…I’m in a much calmer state today. Great morning at the beach and will soon be heading down to collect some shells. I apologize to all of those reading this that are not on vacation.

Sucks to be you.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Adult Truth #13

Yep, I still got nothin'.

Adult Truth #13
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to

What’s more terrifying? When I open a document that is attached to an email; make…oh…I don’t know…a TRILLION changes to it and hit “save”. Only to realize, the next day, that I didn’t hit “save as” to my hard drive, so really I just saved it to my Lotus Notes temporary file, which is…well…temporary.

Can’t decide which is worse.

That memo where I agonized over the precise wording that is both a high level summary yet detailed enough to keep people (and by people, I mean auditors) from asking me follow up questions?

Or that download to excel that I just formatted the bejeezus out of in order to give it any semblance of perceived value?

Slightly less terrifying, but still annoying, are the questions excel asks upon opening.

Disable or enable macros?

I feel like I should always say disable. I don’t know why. It’s my gut instinct. A macro sounds bad. Like some sort of virus. Yet, the answer is almost always enable.

This spreadsheet is linked to information in a different spreadsheet, do you wish to update this spreadsheet with the information from the different spreadsheet? (Okay, that might not be the exact question, but you get the point.)

I would like the option to ask who the hell updated the other spreadsheet and how do I know they are not a complete fuck nut that is totally screwing with me?

P.S. (sorry, Joe) File annoyance #368: Making all edits to a document titled “version 4”, only to find out we are on version 7.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Adult Truth #1

I've been having a little writer's block, and while going through some old e-mails I ran across a "forward" called Adult Truths, so....new feature.

Adult Truth Tuesday. In which I shamelessly steal someones idea.

Adult Truth #1

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

This might be a job for more than one person.

D - Please remove all "fiction" regardless of password protection. As for the passwords...chances are even I don't remember them. If you choose to publish anything posthumously, for the love of god, please give me a pseudonym and a good editor.

G - You are in charge of any Internet content that could be construed as "stalking". I trust you are familiar. This includes frequent visits to the Joey McIntyre website and/or Boy Band Lovers Anonymous. It wouldn't hurt to look for cookies having to do with Bradley Cooper either. On a related note, you can probably notify all of the above that they can remove their restraining orders.

Y - as my senior staff, you have the following responsibilities (which also apply if I am fired):

1. Go through my "sent" folder and delete anything that wasn't sent to someone in our corporate Lotus Notes directory.
2. Change my "out of office" message to..."I'm out, sucka! Send it to someone who gives a sh*t!"
3. Remove my IMDB and Wikipedia history.
4. Give laptop to D&G to repeat above tasks.