Thursday, April 26, 2012

Is It Too Much to Ask...

…that an “everything” bagel and veggie cream cheese be made available to me every morning? The number of times I had to choose between wheat and wheat this month is an outrage. Also, whatever it is that looks vaguely like cream cheese but has been worked up into a frenzy is NOT okay.

Selina: The level of incompetence in this office is STAG-GER-ING!
- Veep. (It’s not TV, it’s HBO. Watch it.)

…that “morning” people keep their witty banter to themselves in the elevator? No joke, a woman got on ahead of me this morning and gave a play-by-play of her elevator experience.

“Well, I guess I was in the right in place at the right time. We can all squeeze in here. Come on, don’t be a chicken (I’m not kidding, she was heckling people that didn’t get on the elevator with us, lucky bastards.) Oh, of course I’m the farthest in the back and I have to get off first. So now you all have to move. Everyone have a fabulous day!”

Now go back and re-read that in a voice slightly more annoying than a local morning show host and you still won’t come close to how much I wanted to punch her.

Peter: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
- Office Space

…that my kids not use my couch as their toy box? It’s bad enough that I have to bulldoze my way to a clear spot after they’ve gone to bed, but it’s ever so much more fun to find markers, Barbie shoes, books, Polly Pockets, beads, etc mixed in with Oreo and Dorito crumbs when I take the time to remove the cushions for a vacuum.

Plus, our couch is REALLY old. In fact, we are getting a new couch somewhere between Wednesday and Friday next week. I’m kind of looking forward to tearing off the underside fabric to see what has fallen through the cracks over the past ten years. That couch is like the Bermuda Triangle. A Bermuda Triangle with chocolate stains, rips in the upholstery, and missing a leg.

…that it NOT RAIN ON DERBY DAY? Seriously.


  1. Is it too late to add one:

    ...that if you can get the [insert household object here] all the way to the countertop, just above the drawer where it actually belongs, that you might also get it INTO THE DRAWER while you are there?

    I'm just sayin'....

    1. That's a good one. And all add ons are welcome.

  2. Office Space - Best. Movie. EVER. There's nothing quite as clever or brilliantly married as what Mike Judge did to make mundane parts of the script/scene highlight as huge events with the addition of some hardcore gangsta rap (like the passing of the floppy disc scene, of course Peter taking charge, and the beating of the printer). Okay I'm so watching that movie this weekend...

    1. It does seem like a good weekend for Office Space. I might join you.

  3. ...that my next-door neighbors demonstrate some basic common courtesy by choosing to work on their numerous ongoing "home improvement" projects during the day instead of firing up their power tools at 10:30 P.M. directly underneath my bedroom window?

    ...that the same neighbors aim their 15,000-watt flag-illuminating spotlight AT THE FLAG ITSELF instead of directly into my living room?

    ...that the aforementioned neighbors find a way to quiet their four continuously barking dogs instead of adding to the cacophony by screaming, "DIESEL! JETER! SHUT UP!" while I am trying to grade papers, read a book, or just sleep?

    This is all I ask.

    1. I think I could start a whole blog on my crazy fence neighbors. They are really outdoing themselves this spring.