Friday, April 13, 2012

Just a Little Patience

So this is totally stealing from my favorite gag on “Rembert Explains the 80’s”. Rembert is a “Millennial” Grantland staffer, whose editors sometimes send him video clips of 80’s pop culture and he tries to decipher “what the hell we were thinking.” If you are a child of the 80’s there is absolutely no reason you should not be reading this.

You could probably also consider it stealing from Tosh.0’s video break down.

So Cleveland gets to host the Rock Hall of Fame induction ceremony this year, which is surprising considering we are the ones that HAVE THE DAMN BUILDING!

I digress…

Axl is “respectfully declining” the induction, because he wants to be a bad ass, but really just comes off like a regular ass. I mean, I get it. Don’t come. But don’t write me a dissertation on how right you are not to come.

In honor of his decision to forget that his original band was the reason he had any success in his life, I put the “Patience” video on a youtube loop.

Just ask Scott (or the Bon Jovi playlist on my iPod) how much I love a great Rock Power Ballad.

It should also be noted, the only way I was able to view this video back in the day was to log a few thousand hours at D’s house, because I personally didn’t have my MTV (or any cable channel at all).

First and best thing about this video. Duff speaks. Then we get a look around at their… recording studio? Only you kind of know there is no way you could record an albulm like that.

This is also where Steven can be seen lighting incense because there are no drums in this song and therefore he has absolutely NOTHING to do. The entire song. (Fact: last video he was in before he left the band.)

Only in a Rock Power Ballad would we, the people, stand for 54 seconds of WHISTLING before the song even starts. But how else can they highlight the real star of this video – Axl’s famous hip sway.

I would also like to take this chance to note the tightness of Axl’s pants and point out that if his hair wasn’t so long, he could be mistaken for a modern day emo alt rock hipster.

For some reason we have to watch a business man walking down the hotel hallway arguing with his super model trophy wife. This has nothing to do with the lyrics.

Slash likes to hang out with boa constrictors while a hooker in Fredrick’s of Hollywood starts to get in his bed. This also has nothing to do with the lyrics.

Axl then makes a show of having to read the lyrics, because he clearly just penned this diddy and wants to get the words right on the first take of the recording session. (Fact: It was allegedly recorded in one session, but doesn’t note how long that session lasted or if the number of empty liquor and champagne bottles is accurately portrayed in the video.)

Let’s pause while Duff returns his room service tray to the front desk, only to have everyone in the lobby disappear. Why do the other people keep disappearing? Did their parents get screwed by Micheal J. Fox when he went back in time? Regardless, Duff is clearly losing patience. Ahhh…at last the lyrics make sense with the video, but not really.

Steven gets to sit on the couch with some groupies and twirl his drum sticks so we remember why he is the video even though he has NOTHING TO DO. Also, he’s clearly high.

And now we are at Slash’s solo, which is AWESOME. There is nothing better than rock stars on acoustic guitars. Plus, he has that cool and aloof look you can only achieve when you let a cigarette dangle precariously from your lips.

And now he has even more hookers morphing into each other as they climb into his bed. Is it just me or are these the tallest hookers to ever live? Or is the bed just low to the ground? Or are some of them maybe transvestites? Slash does not care. He has a boa constrictor.

After the solo, Axl has to get in one last whistle and then “shhh” everyone so they could all admire more of his gyrating. I am supposing that this is where Mark Walberg got all his research done for the film Rockstar. He was definitely channeling Axl Rose in this exact moment.

Axl has to smash the neon phone. He has to. What the hell else does one do with a neon phone?

Oh wait, they are letting Steven chime in on the refrain, or the bridge, whatever you want to call it. (But really they could have let Izzy and Duff handle it…just throwing him a bone.)

Axl then sits alone in a hotel room and watches old concert footage of the band that actually got nominated for induction to the hall of fame. It reminds me of the moment in The Wedding Singer when Adam Sandler yells at his ex-girlfriend. “Now take off my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx them and the band splits up!”

The business man and the trophy wife get back together. Phew. I was worried for those crazy kids.

The last sigh into the microphone…was it necessary? I don’t think so. Obviously, it would have been better to pan one more time to Duff. Nevermind that Izzy wrote all the music to this song. By all means, end on Axl.


  1. I'm pretty likely going to be laughing about this for the rest of the day...thanks for that :-) I always loved this song (HUGE GnR fan...well until the I & II albums but that's another story for another time) but also without MTV in our house it was infrequent if ever I got to see the video. The Axl sway used to be one of my signature moves back in the day. I think if I tried it now I might just fracture a hip.

  2. I tried doing it and my body just does not move that way.