Monday, July 26, 2010

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bat

Kindergarten Readiness Update:

There is no update. I have now e-mailed and left a voicemail. The school opens for business next week anyway, so I can just conduct a stake out if I have to. I am now researching other transportation options.

1. Hire a town car with dark windows and driver to whisk her to and from, but charge the bill to the city. As Denise pointed out, my taxes should definitely cover that.

2. Teach her how to skateboard so she can grab hold of the bus bumper as it speeds past Thea's house in the morning, refusing to stop to let her on.

3. Drop her off on their doorstep when I leave for work in the morning, supply her with finger paint, and tell her to be creative.

4. Teleportation or Worm Hole. Both, highly viable solutions if we lived in Eureka.

Lessons Learned Over the Weekend:

The weekend consisting of Tina's birthday dinner on Friday night, driving to Columbus for Kelly's birthday party Saturday night, a Triathlon Sunday morning, the final day of the Tour De France and an episode of True Blood.

1. There can only be one Uncle John.
Mommy: Uncle John's waving at you. Do you want to go see him?
Zoe (adamantly): Not Uncle John. Uncle John not here.
The fact of the situation is my Uncle John (my father's brother) was in the room. But Zoe's Uncle John (my brother) was not. I stand corrected.

2. If you ever want to get attention, borrow a kid with curly hair. I can't go 2 feet next to Zoe without someone stopping me.

3. It is possible to sneeze non-stop from Cleveland to Columbus. Just ask Scott. I offered some of the girls' clean socks that I happened to have in the car when we ran out of tissue, but he declined. I would not have been that proud. Not with that amount of snot. The related lesson learned: Generic truck stop sinus medicine works better than Claritin, which did absolutely nothing.

4. I kick ass at Beer Pong. Okay, maybe not kick ass, since we didn't win, but I have shockingly improved since the last time I played.

5. There are still a lot of people that do not know how to estimate the kilometer to mile conversion.
"More mature" ladies to each other: "Well, now he has to run. I wonder how long that is?"
Me, butting in: "It's a 5k for this one."
Lady: "But how much is that in miles?"
Me, resisting urge of sarcasm: "A little over 3 miles."
Lady: "So how long will that take?"
Really? It's a race! It will take some people a short amount of time, and some people a long amount of time. Get with the program.

6. I don't know the name of who won the Tour De France, but I did see Lance Armstrong finish. Because it's all about the US, isn't it? (Okay, I personally should know the name of who won, since Scott watched all 20 days, and I'm sure that I heard it said, but I honestly don't remember, so maybe it's just all about me.)

7. Sookie is too dumb to try her electric blue fairy power on Lorena. Humans can bite through vampire's skin, but they can't make it look real with special effects. Russell didn't believe Bill's allegiance, but he believes Erik's despite the weirdo smile Erik plasters on his face every time they are together. There is only one werewolf in all of Mississippi that is not white trash.


  1. I'm finally here, having missed about 27 posts, to rescue you from the world of a triathalon, pruner-dropping husband and the wonderful but often-tiring world of little people.

    In other words, I'm another grown-up. adult person.

    It appears you are the 3-billionth victim of our country's great school system—doesn't make a difference what city, town, or burg—they ALL stink.

    And I've sneezed from Cleveland to Columbus (on my way from Rochester to Dayton). I'm not proud, though: I used my own filthy socks to save the car's upholstery (just kidding).

    Are vampires real? They seem to be EVERYWHERE nowadays . . .

  2. Charlie - While I have tried to be patient and unselfish, I can't deny how much I missed you. Please take care of yourself.

    And the vamps have always been there, but "Twilight" brought them out of the closet. Of course I have yet to find a worthy literary equivalent to my small and big screen idols. My quest continues. Alas, the Sookie books are not worthy.