Tuesday, May 18, 2010

From the Department of Health and Safety

We have a family membership to a gym. It's a nice place, but monthly rates are reasonable. Lately my visits have been limited to taking the girls to their swim lesson, but that's another story. This story starts after this Monday's lesson.

I usually take the girls to one of the private "family" locker rooms to rinse them off and wash the chlorine out of their hair. It's easier than trying to deal with the women's room and the multiple shower stalls. The family rooms are like a big personal bathroom.

Morgan likes one better than the other, because it is wheelchair accessible and has a seat that can be pulled down in the shower. You know her delicate condition. God forbid she have to stand up to take a shower. So we make our way there and I turn on the light.

I notice something on the ground near the toilet and on closer inspection see that it is human feces. Yes, that is right. Then I look at the toilet itself and it is covered in it and toilet paper. (Sorry, no pictures.) I quickly removed the girls to the other family room. This room didn't have any towels left, so I had to run back to the women's room.

Since one of the housekeeping ladies was there I informed her of the situation. She slowly shook her head and asked, "Who does that?"

I had no answer for her at the time, but here are several possibilities I've come up with.

1. Someone disgruntled with the club. But this is ridiculous. That doesn't hurt the club? The only person that hurts is the poor woman who has to clean it up. And what the hell do you have to be disgruntled about in a health club? Did they give your tennis court time to someone else? If so, why don't you go take a dump on the tennis court? If you're going to do it...do it right!

2. Juvenile delinquents being funny. I'm not sure who started the rumor that spreading disease through your excrement is a way to stick it the man, but somehow this has caught on. I find this one hard to believe as well, because they only people besides us that seemed to be in club that night were there for some sort of tennis clinic. A bunch of young ladies in short white skirts starting at the pro with puppy-dog eyes. There was no way they could make that mess without endangering the pristine-ness of their outfits.

3. Spawn of Satan children. But Zoe's disqualified because she was with me the whole time and is on her best behavior during swim lessons, because Miss Mary might dunk her if she doesn't. And even if it had been Zoe on a rampage or just uncontrollable diarrhea, this mom would have cleaned it up herself, no matter how many times I had to puke in the process.

So I am out of ideas. Feel free to take of few of your own guesses.


  1. 1. A sociopathic little boy—the type who put poop in a paper bag, put it on your porch, set it afire, and then ring the doorbell, watching with glee as you open the door and madly stomp out the fire in your socks or bare feet.

    2. Someone with dysentary or just returned from a trip to Mexico.

    3. Someone who is unfamiliar with indoor plumbing.

    4. The etiquette-challenged.

    My vote, for what it's worth, is number 1 (even though the topic is number 2).

    And thank you for no photos. I plan on eating sometime this week.

  2. People have no respect for anything anymore. They are the centers of their own universe!

  3. Katie here. Unfortunately, I have to agree with Nana T, and I have to tell you that it's probably teenagers. Even in the "golden ghetto" where I teach, we have had three years now of nearly nonstop vandalism in the boys' bathrooms, much of it of the bodily function variety. Just this week, a boy peed in the corner of the freshly-cleaned restroom that's closest to my classroom, and last week, feces were smeared all over the walls. Signs of an abused child? Perhaps. But I also think that it's likely that the perpetrators believe that they're "sticking it to the Man," when as you said, they're really only hurting our custodians. It's sad.