Poor Man's Edition of Entertainment Weekly

Movies

First of all, did anyone else notice that John Cusack is playing the role of Edgar Allen Poe in the movie The Raven? Holy Excellent Casting, Batman! Finally, a casting director that doesn’t go for the obvious (Depp). The movie is not an adaptation of The Raven, but rather about a serial killer inspired by Poe’s work, which Poe himself is asked to help stop. Looks interesting. And I always choose Lloyd Dobbler.

“She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Second of all…Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer. Tagline…are you a patriot or are you a vampire? How great is it to see my favorite president kicking some vampire ass? Beyond words.

In the movie Looper, an older version of the character played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be played by Bruce Willis. Do I buy this? I don’t think so.

Why is there a Hunger Games 4 on IMDB? There were only three books. Please do not tell me they are going to split book 3 into two movies. BREAK THE CYCLE! If Lord of the Rings didn’t need to do it, NOBODY needs to do it!

On a related note, if you think I don’t have my ticket for the midnight viewing on Thursday, you don’t know me AT ALL!

Television

Scott mentioned that he heard reality TV has made being a hillbilly cool (or something like that, I was trying to listen to Paul Jr. reveal his latest bike). I don’t know what he’s talking about, but maybe I’ve been too busy lately with my “To Do List”

1. Check on illegal moonshine distillery in my parents woods.
2. Repo the pick up truck from the guy that owns the storage facility where I lost the bid on that locker auction.
3. Patent my newest duck caller.
4. Hunt down the douche that skipped bond on me.
5. Dig for gold in the Bering Sea.

This blog’s namesake is making a guest appearance on Once Upon a Time next Sunday. When Morgan and I had the Hatter sighting in the preview after this week's episode, we both gasped and looked at each other at the same time. Not sad, not sad at all. For fans of The Who...Roger Daltry is going to be the voice of the caterpillar. Also loved that two seconds later I got a text from Melissa. You are starting to know me too well.

Back up a week...Scott’s parents watched the girls the Sunday night we took Gramy to hear an orchestra. When they asked about bedtime, I said that they could stay up for Once Upon a Time, but then had to go to bed.

When we got home, I asked how bedtime went and was informed that everything went as intended. Then Papa Turtle said something along the lines of “that show’s a little weird” with some concern in his voice.

Upon watching the episode later that week, I realized the fairy tale they twisted up this time around was Little Red Riding Hood and (SPOILER ALERT) Red is the wolf! And she killed people. Including her boyfriend Peter. And there was a lot of blood. Hmmmm….questioning my parenting skills again. Probably should have recorded that one first to see if it was appropriate. Live and learn.

Books

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. If you like the Young Adult genre and paranormal activity, I highly recommend! It’s been a great read in a time when I really needed a great read. Everything has been so “blah” lately.

Adult Truth #11

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


Now this depends on your definition of productive. I mean, I personally consider studying the Fall TV Line Up productive. I have to make DVR arrangements. There are mathematical calculations involved.

Number of shows on a given night in a given hour or consecutive hour (because all shows are scheduled to record for five minutes after their scheduled end time – which did not help me on the VMAs, because they ran so far over it still cut off before The Hunger Games sneak peak.)

Number of shows total I can watch in a given week - Number of shows that Scott watches but doesn’t erase in a given week, thus causing me to go in at a later date and erase 10 Deadliest Catch, 7 Top Chef, and 13 My Super Sweet 16 (just kidding) all at once.

Number of hours available on my DVR given the fact that I am not allowed to remove certain items once they have been recorded, specifically from the Disney Channel.

That’s productive.

Going down to the Marriott, buying a Klondike bar and eating outside by the fountain while observing the Medical Mart construction…not so much.

Then again, there are certain things that I am required to do for my job that I also don’t consider productive, so maybe it all evens out in the end.

I guess we should only be nervous if this breaking point comes before lunch.

So for your viewing pleasure:

New Shows I’m Definitely Checking Out:
Up All Night and Free Agents (NBC sitcoms on Wednesday nights starting 9/14 and thankfully not conflicting with Modern Family)
2 Broke Girls (CBS sitcom on Monday starting 9/19 starring the girl from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist)
New Girl (FOX sitcom on Tuesdays starting 9/20 starring Zooey Daeschenal who I love!)
Revenge (ABC drama on Wednesdays starting 9/21. It takes a very good pilot to get me hooked onto a drama, due to my television ADD.)
Whitney (NBC sitcom on Thursdays starting 9/22)
Suburgatory and How to Be a Gentleman (ABC sitcoms on Wednesdays starting 9/28. Hopefully, by the end of September I will have my Wednesday nights figured out, because adding these will put the DVR over the edge. But…hello? Kevin Dillon as a life coach? Sign me up.)

New Shows I Will Only Check Out if They Don’t Take Up DVR Real Estate:
Ringer (because Sarah Michelle Gellar…FKA Buffy…enough said)
Charlie’s Angels (because that’s how old I am)
A Gifted Man (because Patrick Wilson has been highly under-rated)
Pan Am (because I’ll try out a period show any day)
Terra Nova (because I’ll try out a SciFi show any day, too)

My Old DVR Setting Keepers:
Glee, Modern Family, Community (so excited they overlooked last year’s sophomore slump and kept this show on), and Boardwalk Empire.

Other Notable Items:
If October comes and I’m not out of my mind or DVR space, I may or may not check out: Homeland (Showtime), Hell on Wheels (AMC), Grimm (NBC), and Once Upon a Time (ABC)

Mario Lopez will be the host of a new hidden camera/reality show called H8R where he finds people that have gone on record as hating certain “celebrities” (using quotes because examples given are Snookie and Kim Kardashian) and arrange for these people to meet, giving the celebs a chance to change the “hater’s” mind. My question: Who the hell keeps giving this jock strap work? A.C. Slater, people! He still has a job while millions of Americans are on unemployment. Where is the justice?

I don’t watch Two and a Half Men, but I used to watch That 70’s Show. Do I think Ashton Kutcher can replace Charlie Sheen? I don’t know. Does his hair look bad in the promos? Most definitely.

I will not DVR it, but I will try to catch The Sing Off every now and again, if only to say hi to my good friend Nick Lachey (that’s for you, Leslie).

If you ever want to torture me, close me in a room and only play the following shows: CSI (any city), Law & Order (any unit), NCIS, Hawaii Five-O and Grey’s Anatomy.

Starz "Camelot" vs. HBO "Game of Thones"

I’m in fantasy heaven while Starz and HBO battle it out to capture the same audience. The following contains a lot of spoilers so if you had any intention of watching these, you've been warned.

In Summary
Camelot is loosely based on the rise of King Arthur and is historically accurate for the period and geography, regardless of whether Arthur himself is fact or fiction. On the other hand, both Merlin and Morgan practice sorcery. So in that regard, it is still of the "fantasy" genre.

Game of Thrones is based on a fictional world which looks almost identical to medieval times but seems to have a large variety of cultures (though mostly British accents) within an unfathomably limited square mile area and some zombie-like creatures on the attack.

Gore Factor
Camelot has had a lot of death, but not a huge amount of bloodshed with two notable exceptions. One of these exceptions is King Lot spearing Sir Ector in the gut and Ector walking forward on the spear, plunging it deeper and deeper until he gets close enough to Lot that he pulls a dagger out and stabs him the back. Best. Death. Ever.

Game of Thrones seems to favor decapitation, which just appears way too fake for me. Not that I've witnessed any decapitations in my life. It could very well look like that for all I know.

Winner: Camelot (if you're going to kill people make it look real)

Incest Themes
You would think that Camelot would have this wrapped up with the whole Morgan and Arthur relationship (they are half-siblings, but in the legends have a child together through a mistake of "enchantments"). But Game of Thrones stepped it up a notch when 10-year-old Bran comes across the Queen getting it from her twin brother. But wait there's more...because certainly that's not shocking enough...they also threw in some weird thing going on with an exiled Lord and his sister that he is selling off to a warlord to get his aide in winning back his throne. Sweet.

Winner: Camelot (I prefer my incest a little less overt)

Regular Old Sex
Speaking of sex, you can't have a show on HBO or Starz without it. Often. And I find myself saying that Starz has been almost tasteful in it's nudity in Camelot. The makers of Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Shocking, yes? But if it's gratuitous boobies you want, turn right on over to Game of Thrones because there is plenty to go around for all of HBO, Showtime and Cinemax combined. Some of it just doesn't even make sense, but maybe that's just because I'm not as fascinated with bouncing orbs of fatty tissue...or silicon.

Winner: Camelot (because I'll take Leontes’ ass over 1000 prostitutes’ boobs any day)

Plot
Didn't think I was going to get to this, did you? So Camelot had a wealth of material to turn to from classical literature to modern fantasy, which they are clearly choosing to ignore. And though the average viewer probably doesn't give a crap, I would like...just for once...it doesn't seem too much to ask...for someone to tell the damn thing the way Tennyson or White or (and this is saying a lot for me, because it is mind-numbing) Mallory intended. Just once. If I pretend that this isn't about Arthur and Merlin, but rather too other people with the same name...it's pretty good. And they get two bonus points for doing the two most important scenes justice (pulling the sword from stone and retrieving Excalibur from the "lady in the lake").

Game of Thrones is the first book in a series that I never read, so right away it has that going for it. It's still a little confusing how the kingdoms are connected. Plus, there are multiple story lines to keep track of. But seeing as it is the first episode and I'm already drawn in by a couple of them, I anticipate them coming together more by the next episode. Particularly, the exiled princess Daenerys that was married off to some savage, the obviously honorable Stark household and their dire wolves (particularly the young tomboy daughter), and just who the hell these zombie things are.

Winner: Game of Thrones (clearly I'm biased)

Acting
I do not like the kid they got to play Arthur. He has not grown on me. At all. Compounded by the fact that they aren't making his character very sympathetic at the moment does not go over well with me. Joseph Fiennes as Merlin leaves me hot and cold. When he's being sarcastic, I like him. When he's being crazy sorcerer guy, he's over the top. Not thrilled with Gawain who I really want to like so maybe he's the one that will grow on me. I do like Kay, Gwynovere and Morgan. And the one person I shouldn't like (because he doesn't exist in the legend) ended up my favorite character - Leontes (and not because of his butt). He does an excellent job as the king's champion and recruiter of knights. Of course, if they end up revealing that his real name is Lancelot, I will give up the show in total because that is just wrong.

This is what I have come to expect from HBO. Even when I don't like the shows that much, they do an excellent job casting. Sean Bean (Lord of the Rings, Troy, The Lightning Thief) is the perfect choice to center this around. And while I have a great dislike for many of the characters, I'm pretty sure that is intended and a sign that they are being played brilliantly. (From what I can tell in one episode.)

Winner: Game of Thrones (I am having a tough time getting past my Arthur fixation)

OVERALL WINNER BY WEIGHTED AVERAGE:
Game of Thrones (but I'll keep watching Camelot until they piss me off with the Lancelot thing)

Morgan, Zoe, and my DVR

Morgan

Never have I wished for public school uniforms more than I have this week.

Changing Morgan's mindset from summertime dresses and crocs to wintertime socks, long sleeves, and (god forbid) pants ranks rights up there with cleaning up the St. Bernard piles of poop from my living room carpet. Actually, cleaning up the poop took up a lot less time, and Potter didn't fight me about it. He took it like a man, despite the fact I made him stay outside while it was raining.

Morgan's list of grievances include, but are not limited to:

"Pants that touch her feet" (Anything other than capris or leggings.)

Shoes that are "too tight" (AKA actually fit her appropriately)

Long-sleeve shirts that aren't pretty enough. (Anything that is a solid color or a pattern other than rainbow. These would be the same shirts that actually coordinate with the patterned skirts and leggings, so you see my dilemma.)

Socks that "bother her" (AKA any sock with seams across the toes. FYI - ALL socks have seams across the toes. While I don't think this is worthy of the flood of tears it produces in Morgan, I do wonder why socks can't be made with seams on the outside, or no seam at all. That has to be possible. And for those of you who are about to suggest I turn the socks inside out...if you think Morgan is wearing solid colored plain socks, you are sorely mistaken. Trust me when I say her socks cannot be turned inside out.)

Sleeves that touch her wrists (This is not as bad as pants that touch her feet, but it's up there.)

Collars that touch her neck (The one thing I've been able to cut out of her wardrobe...until the winter coat comes along.)

I'm actually considering having her evaluated for some kind of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Normally, I would self-diagnose, but since Scott frowns on my use of WebMD for my own aches and pains, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't believe me if I confirmed Morgan's diagnosis on crazypeople.com.

Zoe

Spent Wednesday walking everywhere in Morgan's flip flops. Not flip flops that used to be Morgan's. Morgan's current flip flops.

If Lydia is at Thea's, they trade shoes for the day. Luckily Thea is good at remembering, because there have been many a time when I would have walked out without noticing.

Sometimes she wears a pair and carries a pair and puts a pair in the diaper bag. (You just never know what the situation will call for. A girl must be prepared.)

She never wants to wear the pair I give her, even if she happily wore them the day before.

She has requested to sleep with her shoes on more than one occasion. Not on her feet, but rather holding them like stuffed animals.

Contrarywise - none of her dolls are allowed to wear shoes.

DVR

When last I left you...

I can't believe I forgot to mention Melissa & Joe on ABC Family. Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina the Teenage Witch) and Joey Lawrence (Blossom) [Or for you children of the 80's Clarissa Explains All and Gimme A Break]. This is almost a rehashing of yet another 80's classic Who's The Boss, but Who Cares. Love the witty banter and might also enjoy the fact that her butt looks bigger than mine now.

Raising Hope - First episode was funny but mildly disturbing. By the second episode, I was over the disturbing part and laughing my ass off. Definitely a keeper.

Running Wilde - I wish I had that half hour of my life back.

Modern Family - If you have ever had a family, you should watch this show. And if Phil is not my brother Charlie, I do not know who is. This is my number one show. Period. Manny: I think I'm going to wear my burgundy jacket. Gloria: Of course you are.

Cougartown - I still think this is really funny, but it also has its moments of stupidity, so watch at your own risk. Courtney Cox is the most annoying mom ever, but when her craziness does not involve her son, she is very amusing. But her hillbilly ex-husband Bobby is the main reason to watch this show.

Community - I'm still going to watch it because of my inappropriate crush on Joel McHale, but these first two episodes have not been that funny. And enough with Betty White already. I can watch Golden Girls reruns anytime I want a fix.

The Office - I miss the old days, however...Dwight peeing in the elevator - classic!....Michael's face when they tell him Toby is his counselor - priceless! (I haven't watched the second episode yet.)

Programming note: I have not watched Outsourced yet, but it is on my list. Did you notice the shocking lack of hour-long drama's from my DVR list? I can't do it anymore. With the exception of Haven and Pretty Little Liars, I have not had the ability to pick up a new drama and stick with it. Maybe it's Lost aftershock. I'm not sure.

Renewed Love Affair with my DVR - Part 1

To recap the summer:

Entourage went to a dark place that kept me from regularly tuning in, but I heard it was good from a reliable source, namely the person I married and force to watch SyFy programming.

True Blood redeemed itself in the last two episodes as far as Eric goes, but listen up, Alan Ball...if you don't lighten up on the Lafayette weirdness and making Sam a psycho, I will be fast forwarding through two thirds of your vampire show that is actually only one forth vampire these days.

Dear SyFy network...why does your best show (Eureka) have the shortest season? Or is that the point? Kind of hard to jump the shark when you don't get on the water skis. P.S. I will allow loopholes in the time-space continuum if you keep bringing Stark back to antagonize Carter. P.P.S. Brilliant move to let Eureka lead in to Haven because I am already hooked. Although, your promos about it being based on King's The Colorado Kid were grossly misleading...or were they?

You know it is fall (and you have kids up past primetime) when you turn on the TV and get a message that the cable boxes are all occupied and you need to cancel a recording or stop trying to watch something that isn't being recorded. Come on, U-Verse, show some compassion. How do I know if I need to record a series if I can't record a single episode?

I'll start off light (because there's only been three shows watched so far )...

Life Interrupted will indeed most likely be interrupted, because I see us walking down a very familiar hallway that leads to the same thing that happened last season.

Boardwalk Empire...HBO is starting strong again, which I didn't think could happen because Steve Buscemi is no Alexander Skarsgard, but I was mistaken. (Plus, I don't want Buscemi sending me to the wood chipper if I don't like his show.) However...they may run into the problem of not enough likeable characters...or at least characters you love to hate.

Glee...first off, Morgan has been sucked in, so I can now watch it real time and not feel guilty. It's bonding! And can I just say "What I Did For Love" was shear brilliance. Brought back fond memories of the excruciatingly horrible Firelands High School choir and our "A Chorus Line" medley. Kiss today goodbye and point me toward tomorrow...season premiers of Modern Family and Cougartown.

Sidebar: Prior to watching Glee, Morgan and I had a competitive game of Wii bowling. I have finally found someone less coordinated than I am! Yes, she is five. "Press, step, swing, let go. What don't you understand?!"

Strong in Face of Tragedy

I must have had a premonition.

Last week I decided to have mini marathons of the "Lost" episodes that had piled up. Sudden urge to be able to watch the finale at the same time as everyone else. I made it with a couple hours to spare on Sunday and felt as productive as one can when the productivity involves watching TV.

(A special thank you to Scott for letting me watch the two and a half hour finale on the regular TV while he watched upstairs in the bedroom.)

I have a tendency to horde TV episodes. I see all these great shows that I really want to watch, but I inevitable fall behind.

Example 1: "Flash Forward. I was hooked at the first episode. Unfortunately, that was the only one I ever actually watched, but I kept recording, thinking it would be good summer viewing while all the network shows were on hiatus. Last count I believe was 14 unwatched episodes.

Example 2: I did much better on "The Vampire Diaries" Got through the first half of the season, before it took some time off, but didn't get back to it when it returned. Last count, 8 episodes.

I also horde movies. Because I pretty much think it's pointless to buy DVDs or blue rays, when I can already see that downloading to computers is the next hot thing. So if there is a movie on one of the five million premium channels we pay for that I know I'll want to watch again, I record it.

Examples: "The Hangover" "Sense and Sensibility" "Role Models" "The Holiday" You see the pattern. Offensive comedies and cheesy romance. That's what I live for. Throw in
"The Transformers" and I'm good to go.

So last night, while in the middle of watching "Glee," our cable box froze. Then it started rebooting...again...and again...and again. I tried everything. But I knew I was going to have to face the inevitable call to AT&T.

At 8:00 AM this morning I made the call. First, trying their automated system trouble shoot, but that of course didn't work, because that NEVER works. I'm not even sure why it is an option.

At 8:15 AM (yes, it took me 15 minutes to do something I knew wouldn't work) I was placed in the queue for tech support.

At 8:48 AM (yes, that is 33 minutes later) a "tech support" person answered the phone. I told her the system kept rebooting and wouldn't let me turn it off. She asked the obligatory dumb ass question (there has to be one) "You mean your TV or your cable box?" Now why in the hell would my TV be rebooting? And even if it did, why would I call my cable company about it?

"Well, let me try to run a system diagnostic from here and reboot it."

"Yes, please do, because even though it's been rebooting for the last 12 hours without success, you pressing the button will make all the difference."

5 minutes later she is back on the line. "I'm sorry, I can't do it. I can either try getting you back to your factory settings, or you can schedule a technician to come look at all the lines. Do you have anything on your DVR?"

DO I HAVE ANYTHING ON MY DVR!? Last count: 95 recordings.

"Please send the technician."

"Okay I can give you the noon to 4 appointment." (Again, not an "appointment" ma'am, window of time.)

"Fabulous."

4:05 PM. Technician arrives and presses button on cable box. (after I move toys in his path)
4:06 PM. Technician goes to modem and disconnects/reconnects main line. (after I move toys in his path)
4:07 PM. Technician goes to basement to see where line comes into house. (after I move shoes in his path)
4:08 PM. Technician comes back upstairs, disconnects box, and on his way to the truck says, "I have to issue you a new box from the truck. Be right back."

AHHHHHHHH! He just stole my 95 recordings! Without me getting to say goodbye. I mean, I had prepared myself for this, but how prepared can you be...to have it ripped from you so suddenly.

4:15 PM. New box installed.

I had to break the news to Morgan. "No more "Race to Witch Mountain" or "Princess Protection Program" or "Wizard of Oz" (yes, I had a commercial-free recording of "The Wizard of Oz")."

"But, Mommy, those are movies. We can just buy them."

Ugh...smart girl.