Monday, January 30, 2012

Puppy Love

Morgan: So my friend Nina told Adam that I sort of had a crush on him and now I am bummed.
Me: Why are you "bummed"? (When did she become a teenager from The Valley?)
Morgan: Because now I am too embarrassed to talk to him ever again.
Me: Well, I don't think you need to be embarrassed.
Morgan: Mom, I'm done with it.

60 seconds later...

Morgan: Do you know why I like Adam?
Me: Why?
Morgan: Because he is nice and funny and kind and loving and sharing. (Oh yeah, she's got it bad.)
Me: Well, he sounds very nice. I think it's okay for you to still like him.
Morgan: And do you know why else I like him? When I ask him a question he talks back to me. Not in a mean way. I just mean that he answers my question. I think that is nice. But now I don't think he will answer me anymore.

Dear Morgan,

Boys suck. The ones you like, like someone else. In elementary school, it is probably the girl that punches them. In junior high, I regret to inform you it is the girl with the biggest boobs. In high school, it's whoever is the most popular. I suggest you stick with punching them until you turn 18.

The ones you don't like will most likely sneak attack you when you are at your locker and ask you to every dance ever created by the girls that actually get asked by the boys they like. I hope you can let them down easy by remembering what it is like on the other side, but if you do...he will still probably ask you for every slow dance and you will have to hide in a bathroom stall the majority of the time. Hiding in the bathroom stall will most likely prevent you from being asked to dance by the boy you DO like.

Unfortunately, you don't have an older brother that might have kind friends that take pity on you. On the bright side, this will not lead you to have completely hopeless crushes on football players that call you "Chuck's little sister."

With deepest sympathy,
Your Mother
Voted Most Likely to Remain Awkward
AKA "To a smart and funny girl"

P.S. If by some chance you are the popular girl. Please use your powers for good instead of evil.


  1. My prayer for Morgan actually was written by another smart and funny girl, Tina Fey: "May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers." Yes, Morgan, boys generally suck. Hold out for the rare good one who will eventually grow up and become awesome like your dad and your grandpas. And when you're in high school, don't fall in love with that funny, talented, sensitive guy who is a great listener but doesn't seem to have any guy is hopeless. I will explain when you're older.

  2. HA! Although, I do feel like I'm probably being a little hard on the boys. After all, the bad ones can't out number the good ones as much as it seems...but it's awfully hard to explain the slower maturing process to an almost seven year old. I'm sure all my PTA friends will raise perfect little gentlemen.