Friday, April 12, 2013

Water, Water Everywhere

No, this is not a post about our fantastic weather.  Yet.

I never thought it would be essential to read the directions on a bottle of water before opening it, but I'm here to tell is.

We stopped at the gas station before preschool this morning and Zoe came in to grab something to drink with me.  She chose a bottle of flavored water for herself, which I thought was very responsible since I grabbed a Coke Zero.  (I don't drink coffee. Stop judging.)

I have never heard of this water before. 9-89 On Demand.  It has 9 vitamins, 84 ironic minerals (okay, it's ionic, but I have no idea what that means) + 5 Electrolytes.  Shouldn't it be called 9-84-5?  Or just 108?   I don't get it.

Apparently it is made with Stevia and Himalayan Sea Salt.  I'm supposed to visit if want to know more about what this means.  I'll pass.

At the top of the bottle it says "Smile after opening and also refrigerate."  Hmmm...a little too perky of water if you want my opinion.

So we are driving back down the road and I'm trying to open the bottle (yes, this is how I'm going to eventually die).  It's a huge cap and that sucker is on there tight.

And then the top portion of the cap comes loose.  Hey, guess what?  The flavor is in the cap separate.  And it is now dripping down the outside of the bottle, through my fingers, onto the steering wheel, the seat and my pants.  (Good thing I'm still in my awesome maternity leggings.  To be fair they aren't ACTUALLY maternity leggings, I just happened to buy them when I was pregnant. So now you know they are eight years old.  And you also know that I am extremely fashionable.)

I manage to direct most of the flavor into the actual water at this point, but my hands are sticky and because the flavor was...wait for it...GRAPE...I have reddish-purple liquid all over the place.  I'm not going to lie, it looked very much like blood.  On the seat.  Between my legs.  Fabulous.

Quite out of character for me, I actually had two napkins in the car and was able to clean the bottle up enough to let Zoe try it.  I tried it too.  It was okay for grape flavored water.  I prefer Kool-Aid.  She liked it enough to remind me to put it in the refrigerator when I got home and save it for her.  Got it covered, kid.

As I set the bottle on the counter I notice one whole side of it reads in big letters and helpful pictures "Twist cap clockwise to release the fresh vitamins and minerals.  Then twist cap counter clockwise to open." Things that would have been helpful to know YESTERDAY, to quote Adam Sandler in The Wedding Singer.

This is your public service announcement for the day.  The More You Know.


  1. I can hear that little sprinkling sound that comes with the swoosh of stars and the NBC rainbow peacock. Minus the purple color so as not to incite flashbacks of course.

  2. Wow... who knew that drinking water could be so complicated? I probably would have done the same thing. or chucked it in the garbage when it wouldn't open after the first five tries. Yikes.

    I don't drink coffee, either, so you won't get any judgement from me. And my wife still wears some of her maternity clothes three years later. She's probably spilled a few things on them. Not sure about reddish-purple liquid though.

    Thank you for sharing this PSA with us. I'll be sure to look for 9-89, study its packaging like a piece of alien spacecraft, and choose a safer soft drink.

    1. It reminds me of the Friends episode with the plaid maternity pants that Joey puts on to eat an entire Thanksgiving turkey. Mine are basic black though. Ha!

  3. OK, that post was laugh-out-loud funny in about six different places. I am still laughing as I type this. So glad I checked your blog this morning! And not to gross anyone out, but one less-than-fun aspect of being a junior high teacher is occasionally seeing that reddish-purple stain left behind on a student's chair...and it is NEVER vitamin water flavoring, I am here to tell you.