Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Tea Party Catch Up

What’s been going on? Oh, nothing. Just a little sadistic torture minus the fifty shades of Edward Cullen. My season of discontent with all entertainment award governing bodies. Three generations of Kirschners attempting to rid their homes of clutter by passing it off to each other. And The Package. That’s all. I should probably cover this in three different posts, but who am I kidding? I might not get back here until March.

First, my dear friend Beth got me the deal of the century at Fitness Revolution to do four weeks of boot camp. Thankfully, I’m not obligated to fight overseas when I’m done. And while the fetus arms are coming along, they have got quite a way to go.

Confirmed: I no longer know how to jump rope. I’m serious. It can’t be done.

Also confirmed: The more I do mountain climbers, the more I hate them. The more I do mountain climbers on sliders, the more I want to throw a kettle bell at Dan’s head. I’m willing to go up to 22 pounds on that one if it makes him feel better.

Consolation: I may not be able to do many push ups in a row, but damned if my ass is NOT sticking up in the air like some other people’s are. (Nobody I know personally, of course.)

Additional consolation: I no longer feel like I’m going to drop one of those slam ball thingys on my head. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.

What happens next? Well, I have 5 classes to go, but I think it’s safe to say, I will be just as motivated to get off my ass as I was when I started, so Melissa has some work cut out for her as my personal fitness champion. On the bright side, I should be able to zip my jeans up easier for at least a week.

* * *
Next up…as far as the Golden Globes and SAG awards are concerned…

Dear Tina Fey and Amy Poehler,
I want to have your children. Perfect opening monologue and just kept getting better. Can you please host all award shows from here on out?

Dear Jodie Foster,
I have no argument against anything I think you meant to say. The problem is I'm not exactly sure you meant to say what I think you meant to say, because you were practically incoherent. Train of thought. Please stick to one.

Dear HFPA,
I get this feeling you don’t actually watch television. Probably because you are above it. But I'm going on record to say Girls is the most over-rated show currently on television. I watch it. I occasionally enjoy it. I think Lena Dunham relies heavily on the shock value of letting herself be filmed naked. And I think you want desperately to appear hip enough to "get" it. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I don't "get" it. I also don't get how Smash even gets a nomination over Veep, Louie, 30 Rock, Parks & Rec, or New Girl? Other notable drama snubs...Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, and Game of Thrones. How do these not even get mentioned and that hack job Nashville does? Lastly, there is absolutely no reason that Benedict Cumberbatch should not have won for Sherlock. Not with that competition (or lack there of). I could expect this at the Emmy's or some People's Choice Award, because people haven't seen it. But how could you ignore the sheer genius of this man playing a sheer genius? Shame!

Dear SAG card holders,
The category Best Acting by an Ensemble in a Motion Picture is not the same as Best Motion Picture. I almost want to let this slide, because I really do want Ben Affleck to get his moment since other people seem to want him to fail for some reason. And I’m definitely fine with him getting the Golden Globe and if he wins the Oscar. But Argo and Zero Dark Thirty are plot driven. Silver Linings Playbook and Best Exotic Marigold Hotel are character driven. Character = Acting. This doesn’t seem like a hard concept.

Dear Anne Hathaway,
Give any and all awards you win for Les Miserables to Eddie Redmayne. And please stop pretending your speeches are so spontaneous. Also, do not compare your career to Sally Fields. She was GIDGET for Christ sakes. You will never come close to how cool that is.

Dear Jennifer Lawrence,
Please never turn into Anne Hathaway.

* * *
On to the anti-hoarding efforts.

For the past few years, 9 times out of 10, when I show up at my grandma’s, I leave with something she’s looking to get rid of. This is great for me when it’s a cool serving piece for the china cabinet or a truck load of blue mason jars. She’s also come to a point in her life that she wants people to have certain mementos, which are often things that we originally gave to her as presents. This is also fine. But I’m telling you right now, if I get back the soap dispenser shaped like a toilet that says “Hey, don’t forget to wash your hands” when you walk by, it is immediately being wrapped up for the Cousin Christmas white elephant gift exchange. Sorry, Granny.

Coinciding with my mother’s retirement and my brother’s second exodus from my parent’s home, my father has commenced what I’m going to refer to as The Great Excavation. Much like at my grandmother’s, I’m very likely to be presented with items that have been found in the attic or basement during one of his archeological digs. Unlike my grandma’s, it is more likely to be a piece of crap from the 80s that should never have been saved to begin with (example: box of cassette tapes). Fortunately, my dad doesn’t seem to have a problem with putting them at the curb if I wrinkle my nose at him.

To top this off, Scott and I (mostly Scott) have been trying to redefine our own basement in order to fit his many Storage Wars projects. We have been pretty brutal. It actually started before Christmas when I gave a big plastic tub full of Christmas decorations to my sister-in-law Barbi (welcome to the family), moved on to the monthly culling of any toy I could potentially impale myself with if (read: when) left on the carpet, and finished up with the disposal of all things superfluous that covered the tree lawn this morning for bulk pick up. Sometimes I wonder how I get so much crap. Then I read the above two paragraphs.

* * *
Finally. Just in case you were wondering. The Package has been purchased. And just in case you don’t know what The Package is. It is the NKOTB – 98 Degrees – BoysIIMen tour. The Package will be in town June 9 if you are planning to block me on Facebook or Instagram. The Package is the best name they could have ever come up with for this event. EVER.


  1. I loved this post! Award shows baffle me because there's always some reason behind the choices of nominees and winners besides simply performances and talent. It's like a big guessing game: why is Ben Affleck not even nominated for a directing Oscar when he's *winning* every other award? Why does Claire Danes win everything? And why the hell can't my girl Jennifer Lawrence get through an award show without incident? The Meryl comment, the tear-away dress, the pneumonia...sheesh. But ya know what? She handles it with total class and an unrefined charm that I absolutely love. I'm soooo hoping that she wins the Oscar, but I'm almost afraid to see what might happen to her if she does!

    As for Anne Hathaway, that shapeless little crotch-flashing stick figure I have two words for her: shut up! She's not funny or charming, and not at all attractive, though my bff would disagree with me there. He's been an Anne fan for years, and I'm all about J-Law. I win.

    Also, keep up that 'boot camp' workout. Everyone starts the new year with the best intentions, but I'm guessing 90% throw in the towel by February.

    1. Poor J-Law and her dress. It wasn't even a malfunction. She just pulled the first layer up too high. I just love any interview I read with her. She has no filter. Plus, she's Katniss and I am obsessed. I have not been an AH hater in the past, but she has really rubbed me the wrong way with the promos and after effects of this film. Affects? Can never remember.

  2. A friend alerted me to the fact that there would be a NK's, etc tour this summer and that it was named The Package. Pretty sure I laughed for a full day. I have nothing against any of the 3 bands, though I don't really know if I could pick out a 98degrees song if you paid me to, I just think the tour name is so blatantly obvious it must be laughed at :-) I hope you have a blast!

    I have missed most of the awards shows but what I saw of Poehler/Fey was so perfect I hope they win something...like a freaking Golden Globe someday. Hello?!