Monday, July 11, 2011

It's the Very Best Mustard

Vacuum update: I bought a Shark. I've named it Jaws. The box claims that it never loses suction. Doesn't even have quotation marks around "never", so it must be true.

Twenty minutes after I finish vacuuming with Jaws (and emptying the densely hair-packed canister), the washing machine starts making funky noises. This I can't blame on Potter...yet.

Lucky Break # 1 - It was on the final rinse. The only problem seems to be that the inside isn't spinning when it's supposed to, so all the water drained...except for the water that all the clothes were holding in them.

Lucky Break #2 - It was mostly the girls clothes. So I only had to wring out 100 tiny little t-shirts and shorts, as opposed to large bath towels or 10 pairs of Scott's khakis.

* * *

While eating appetizers on the patio bar at Reddstone...mind you, it was only 7 p.m....

A man roughly ten times my size approached the bar, belched much louder than I have ever heard come out of my cousin Rachel (which is significantly loud), and proceeded to nonchalantly ask for a beer.

I'm sorry, no "excuse me"? Not even the slightest amount of remorse that you made me want to vomit up my calamari?

Five minutes later, he insists that the bartender believes him when he says "you're looking good tonight." She is much more gracious than I would have been.

* * *

Surprisingly, I didn't get any volunteers (except from my two cousins in Kansas that are "hilarious") to help throw hay bales with us on Sunday. I can only assume that you were ashamed of your suburban upbringing and didn't want to admit that you've never worn a John Deere trucker hat with your L.L. Bean rain boots. I don't blame you.

Step journal for Facebook posterity.

Step 2...climb the ladder to the loft. I'm not afraid of heights, but I am deathly afraid of ladders. I have trouble on the girl's bunk bed ladder. This particular ladder is close to a 90 degree angle and ascends about 12 feet in the air. Awesome!

Step 3...yell at the kids, "Stop torturing the turtle!"

Repeat Step 3 until all patience has been eroded and send kids back up to Nana.

Step 4...make note of size and location of all wasp nests that Papa has graciously left hanging from the rafters. Repeat Step 4 after every fifth bale, as swarming wasps continue to multiply.

Step 5...supervise little brother stacking twice as many bales as me, occasionally kicking one towards him to help him out a little.

Step 6...stack bales loosely, so you run out of room quicker and can leave the loft, which gives off the same vibe as a towering inferno.

Step 7...make sure dad doesn't run over any kittens (again) while removing the hay wagon.

Step 8...drink the water that Nana and the kids finally brought us for our "break" after we were already done with the whole damn thing.

* * *

I'd like to officially mark True Blood's "jump the shark" moment on July 10, 2010 approximately 9:30 p.m. when Bill told Jessica to "Vamp up!" Because suddenly, after three whole seasons otherwise, Bill no longer talks like he's from the Civil War era that he died in, but instead uses cheesy slang that you wouldn't even hear on My Babysitter's a Vampire.


  1. I noticed the quotation marks around hilarious. I get jokes.

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