Thursday, December 1, 2011

Roast Beast

It’s less than two weeks till “Cousins Christmas”. Are you all prepared? Don’t know if you remember me mentioning that Scott cleaned the basement this past weekend, but our White Elephant potentials grew exponentially.

Also, Scott casually mentioned that I seem to be hoarding a certain item that I allegedly have enough of to distribute to every person in the family and now my wheels are turning. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

But before Uncle Mike offers to give us each a quarter for rubbing the bunion on his left foot, let’s take a moment to remember these other classic family moments.


Any time that the Myers and Wortz visited from out of state and were forced to help the Kirschners lay a foundation, frame a house, roof a house, pour concrete, brick a chimney, install indoor plumbing and/or electricity while eating off tables made out of scaffolding.

Male dress code: white undershirt and cut off jeans. Except for Papa Swigart, who would wear tan short pants with his fruit of the loom v-neck.


This is actually serious. There has never been any sausage in the world that has tasted like the sausage the aunties and uncles smoked in the Wohlever’s backyard and hung to dry in the basement/garage. Please, for the love of god and all that is decent and holy, BRING BACK THE SAUSAGE! Sausage sandwiches on pure white bread, no condiments necessary.

Dress code: plastic shower caps.


Any time any sibling or cousin was forced to dress like each other. This ranged from matching butter yellow dresses on our one and only trip out to Kansas back in the late seventies to Papa’s funeral when we all threw on matching t-shirts from goodwill and constructed human pyramids.

Male dress code: Amherst Comet gear

Female dress code: California Raisin logo


Family reunion at Cedar Point, where all the older cousins went in Uncle Mike’s Suburban – Charlie driving, Rachel co-pilot. Made Charlie laugh so hard he had to pull over on the side of the highway and pee himself.

Dress code: Fake wild west gear to take Red Garter Saloon photo.


If it happened or could have happened, it can be set to the tune of Good King Wenceslaus. Period.

“There was abuse in my family, but it was mostly of a musical nature.” – A Mighty Wind


  1. The topic of the sausage came up on Thanksgiving this year and I think the Red Garter photo still hangs in mom's living room. Do you remember the pepper relish?
    Who wore the matching yellow dresses? You had two brothers. Maybe I really don't want to know. Have a nice adult beverage for me at the festivities and I'll raise my glass here on the 20th.

  2. Sounds like a fun family! Have I met any of them? ; )

  3. Wowo sisters always wore matching dresses!

  4. I am laughing so hard that I've started having a coughing fit. Also, I think I'm going to have nightmares about what the "mystery gift" might be. Note to Cousin Steve: Sometimes our matching dresses had accessories, such as the tiny detachable Raggedy Anne dolls that were on the front of our matching pinafores. I am pretty sure Aunt Priss was responsible for sewing those!

  5. Oh shit! I totally remember those dresses!