Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Words I'll Never Say

Disclaimer: This is just a rant...I don't actually hate my neighbor, and by the end of reading this you'll probably think I'm the crazy one, but certain things just get under my skin and fester. In reality, they are pretty nice and often extend the invitation to come over and swim in their pool anytime.

Disclaimer 2: They also keep talking about selling their house, so I promise if one of you moves in next to me, I won't post nasty blogs about you.

Scene: Last fall while cleaning up debris, pruning back landscaping vegetation and otherwise making the yard presentable for the winter dormancy.

Crazy neighbor:
Did you realize your fence is broken?
I noticed the lower rail is pulled away from a couple of the slats when I trimmed our shrubbery back there.
Crazy neighbor:
Well, I wanted to make sure, because I wouldn’t want your kids getting through and falling in the pool or your dog coming over.
Well, the ground is too hard for us to do anything with it right now, but it’s really not big enough for our kids or dog to get through anyway. We appreciate your concern.

On the other hand, your yippy little pain in our ass could easily squeeze through the four to six inches it is pulled away and get chomped into bits by our St. Bernard who (a) can’t see said hole because his is BLIND and (b) has not, in fact, learned how to alter his genetic make up to pass through said hole because he weighs 140 POUNDS.

And it may surprise you to know that we didn’t see that the fence needed repaired because we have actually landscaped our back yard and planted tall privacy grasses next to the fence so we don’t have to look through it and see your crap hole, which may a may not be decorated by an area rug you drug out of your house and draped over your patio furniture two months ago after your dog crapped all over it.

Three Things That Have Me MORE Concerned for the Safety of My Daughters

1. That a gust of wind will pick the peeling paint chips up from your front porch and blow them into their unsuspecting mouths.
2. That they will receive a contact high from the amount of weed your kids (I assume) smoke in your back yard during the summer.
3. That you will run them over while attempting to leave your driveway in a raving lunatic rampage. I’ve seen you go through your own yard, and I don’t think the hedge would be able to stop you for going through ours.

Scene: This weekend while out getting beds ready for new mulch (used to keep weeds down and general aesthetics) by removing old leaves (that blew over from someone who must have inadvertently forgotten to rake their leaves last fall).

Crazy neighbor:
Are you going to be able to get your fence fixed soon? I wouldn’t want the girls to get through and fall into the pool.

Okay, we are going to fix the fence because on the chance that my kids eat crazy pills and decide to bust the rest of the way through, mistake the pool for a solid surface and then forget everything they’ve been taught in swimming lessons and drown, I’d feel pretty damn bad.


(a) It’s not my responsibility to build a fence around your f-ing pool.
(b) You are benefiting from our desire to keep you out of our yard.
(c) We could rip the whole god damn fence down and you couldn’t stop us.

I’ll tell you what. We’ll fix our fence when you grow grass in your front yard – real, actual grass. Not the burnt out mound of dry strands mixed with random clumps of clover and dandelions that has inhabited your landscape since two winters ago. How about that?

God praise Marty Moose! Pass the Tylenol.


  1. I noticed their yard was a little worse for the wear...Chad and I always joke that if we move to Bay we would have to really improve our landscaping skills. But quit reading this and go fix that fence!


  2. Well not that you want us as your neighbors but Phil has always wanted that house and I think he takes pretty good care of our yard. Get them to sell!