Celebrity Death Match: Duff McKagan vs. Joey McIntyre

Okay, it’s a no brainer – Duff would beat the shit out of him. However…

As a counter-point to last week’s video breakdown, and in an effort of full disclosure that I was not nearly cool enough to hang with the GNR crowd in my high school, I now offer the other half of my teenage fantasies.

Where Duff was, let’s face it, mostly just to imagine the look of horror on my parents’ faces if I brought home a mid-twenties alcoholic/druggie with big hair; Joey was the boy next door I had an entire wall of Tiger Beat posters dedicated to.

Considering my best friends in the entire world had nicknamed me “white bread” by this point, it was much more realistic. If you consider marrying a beloved member of a heavily marketed boy band realistic. (Which I totally do.)

Though the Hangin’ Tough video would have been the most likely to be on heavy rotation at the same exact time as Patience, it’s mostly concert footage, so other than hideous fashion trends, there’s not much to talk about. Contrariwise, watching Joey sing Please Don’t Go Girl in his pre-puberty voice is now excruciating.

So forgive me for jumping ahead a year to Step By Step. (Note: I have been training for this post my whole life.)


Of course we have to get the fashion comments out of the way first. I mean…just…it is 1990, people and there are MANY wardrobe changes. I couldn’t possibly say all that needs to be said.

Danny Wood and the sideways hat. Donnie Wahlberg and his wannabeagangsta thug-wear. Jordan Knight in OVERALLS? Are we on a farm? That doesn’t LOOK like a farm. Joey is not innocent in this, by any stretch, but his clothes get overshadowed by his Puff Chick, mop-top hairdo that screams for a douse of conditioner. I’m actually giving Jonathon Knight a pass from the Fashion Police and vote him Most Likely to Not be Looked at Anyway. (I love you, Jon, just calling it like it was.)

Then there is the artsy video technique of the black and white film where the important parts have been colored in, but by someone who no longer owns a “Flesh” colored Crayola crayon. THIS is NKOTB kicking it up a notch. Got it.

Okay, back to the beginning. You might not know this if you haven’t seen every video that NKOTB ever made…several hundred times…but Jordan likes to stand in front of big fans - the kind that move air, not overweight groupies. Even better if he is wearing a shirt that is unbuttoned to flap around in the artificial breeze. It is unclear if he finds this dramatic or he just farts a lot.

And now we begin to see how much fancier their footwork has become since the early days. (This is the part where Jon is cut out most of the time. That boy could NOT dance.)

Donnie is starting to try to establish some street cred. What better way than to ride around on a motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket? Oh, yeah…DON’T BE IN A BOY BAND!

Danny wants to establish that he is very tough and possibly using steroids. What better way to do this than to pump some iron? Oh, yeah…DON’T BE IN A BOY BAND!

Joey wants to establish that he is just like Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain. What better way to do this than by dressing in tails and dancing with his shadow? Yeah, just keep doing what you’re doing, Joe.

For some reason they try to make the Sprinkler dance move look cool. Duff McKagan couldn’t make the Sprinkler dance move look cool. Give it up.

Jordan acts like he is conducting a small orchestra. Probably they are thinking, please take your smelly ass back over to that fan and leave making music to the true professionals.

And then we calm it down for each guy’s little solo. Danny sounds like the gorilla he is. Donnie tries to tone down his bad boy persona with some humor. Jordan’s falsetto is like fingernails on a blackboard. Joey, if you take away the too-big jacket, is actually adorable. And in yet another strange twist of fate, Jon pulls off looking like the most talented of the bunch (which he probably was).

(Sidebar to any of my co-workers reading this blog…is it just me or does one of my staff look crazy similar to Jon at minute 3:00? Could he be Tiffany and Jon’s love child? Given up for adoption as they toured their way across the midwest? It’s chronologically feasible.)

A little bit later, the boys have fun stealing what looks to be a script out of Jon’s hands as he casually hangs out backstage. Are you kidding me? There was a SCRIPT to this thing? Or are we to assume Jon is so popular that he has to spend his downtime reading Movie of the Week offers instead of learning the dance moves?

Seriously, he is missing from every shot on the stairs. I think there may have been some sort of liability about him falling off them.

Enter Marky Mark and Funky Bunch to play a little B-Ball with big brother. Huh?

All in all there is too much Jordan and Donnie, not enough Joey and Jon. As far as I am concerned Danny Wood does not exist. It’s like…who IS that guy? Was he ANYONE’S favorite?

And close on Donnie eating an apple. He’s just like you and me, except he eats apples while making music videos with his boy band.

Flash forward to present day…

Duff McKagan - Clean and sober; one class shy of a Finance degree; writer for both the Seattle Weekly and ESPN.com

Joey McIntyre – Still going on booze cruises with the old gang; surrounded by Approaching, On, and Over the Hill former groupies that may or may not have changed their hairstyles in the last two decades. (Which I would totally be on if I wasn’t married with kids.)

Duff’s not looking so bad now, Mom, is he?

Additional author’s note: This will be my last video break down for a while. Don’t leave me. Also, if you are with Joe Mac, please don't sue me for using that photograph, I am totally linking back to that page here. I think I used the word "totally" in this blog three times. Am I twelve?

Just a Little Patience

So this is totally stealing from my favorite gag on Grantland.com. “Rembert Explains the 80’s”. Rembert is a “Millennial” Grantland staffer, whose editors sometimes send him video clips of 80’s pop culture and he tries to decipher “what the hell we were thinking.” If you are a child of the 80’s there is absolutely no reason you should not be reading this.

You could probably also consider it stealing from Tosh.0’s video break down.

So Cleveland gets to host the Rock Hall of Fame induction ceremony this year, which is surprising considering we are the ones that HAVE THE DAMN BUILDING!

I digress…

Axl is “respectfully declining” the induction, because he wants to be a bad ass, but really just comes off like a regular ass. I mean, I get it. Don’t come. But don’t write me a dissertation on how right you are not to come.

In honor of his decision to forget that his original band was the reason he had any success in his life, I put the “Patience” video on a youtube loop.

Just ask Scott (or the Bon Jovi playlist on my iPod) how much I love a great Rock Power Ballad.

It should also be noted, the only way I was able to view this video back in the day was to log a few thousand hours at D’s house, because I personally didn’t have my MTV (or any cable channel at all).



First and best thing about this video. Duff speaks. Then we get a look around at their… recording studio? Only you kind of know there is no way you could record an albulm like that.

This is also where Steven can be seen lighting incense because there are no drums in this song and therefore he has absolutely NOTHING to do. The entire song. (Fact: last video he was in before he left the band.)

Only in a Rock Power Ballad would we, the people, stand for 54 seconds of WHISTLING before the song even starts. But how else can they highlight the real star of this video – Axl’s famous hip sway.

I would also like to take this chance to note the tightness of Axl’s pants and point out that if his hair wasn’t so long, he could be mistaken for a modern day emo alt rock hipster.

For some reason we have to watch a business man walking down the hotel hallway arguing with his super model trophy wife. This has nothing to do with the lyrics.

Slash likes to hang out with boa constrictors while a hooker in Fredrick’s of Hollywood starts to get in his bed. This also has nothing to do with the lyrics.

Axl then makes a show of having to read the lyrics, because he clearly just penned this diddy and wants to get the words right on the first take of the recording session. (Fact: It was allegedly recorded in one session, but doesn’t note how long that session lasted or if the number of empty liquor and champagne bottles is accurately portrayed in the video.)

Let’s pause while Duff returns his room service tray to the front desk, only to have everyone in the lobby disappear. Why do the other people keep disappearing? Did their parents get screwed by Micheal J. Fox when he went back in time? Regardless, Duff is clearly losing patience. Ahhh…at last the lyrics make sense with the video, but not really.

Steven gets to sit on the couch with some groupies and twirl his drum sticks so we remember why he is the video even though he has NOTHING TO DO. Also, he’s clearly high.

And now we are at Slash’s solo, which is AWESOME. There is nothing better than rock stars on acoustic guitars. Plus, he has that cool and aloof look you can only achieve when you let a cigarette dangle precariously from your lips.

And now he has even more hookers morphing into each other as they climb into his bed. Is it just me or are these the tallest hookers to ever live? Or is the bed just low to the ground? Or are some of them maybe transvestites? Slash does not care. He has a boa constrictor.

After the solo, Axl has to get in one last whistle and then “shhh” everyone so they could all admire more of his gyrating. I am supposing that this is where Mark Walberg got all his research done for the film Rockstar. He was definitely channeling Axl Rose in this exact moment.

Axl has to smash the neon phone. He has to. What the hell else does one do with a neon phone?

Oh wait, they are letting Steven chime in on the refrain, or the bridge, whatever you want to call it. (But really they could have let Izzy and Duff handle it…just throwing him a bone.)

Axl then sits alone in a hotel room and watches old concert footage of the band that actually got nominated for induction to the hall of fame. It reminds me of the moment in The Wedding Singer when Adam Sandler yells at his ex-girlfriend. “Now take off my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx them and the band splits up!”

The business man and the trophy wife get back together. Phew. I was worried for those crazy kids.

The last sigh into the microphone…was it necessary? I don’t think so. Obviously, it would have been better to pan one more time to Duff. Nevermind that Izzy wrote all the music to this song. By all means, end on Axl.

Bat Shit Crazy

Author’s Note: This is the second time I am writing this post, because as I hit “post” blogger kicked me out. And the only thing saved in the draft when I logged back in was the first two sentences. That will teach me not to type in Word first. In case you’re wondering, the first version was fucking hysterical.

So I’m walking from my obscenely-priced open lot parking spot to work this morning…

I remotely register a girl walking her dog towards me less than a block away, but mostly I’m humming and thinking about all the super cool crafts and activities I’m going to get to do with the girls over my next week off from work.

Not buying it? Tough. It is irrelevant to the story.

Suddenly, I hear her start to get a little frantic. “Oh my god. Oh my god!” Yes, I hear you, sister. Over a week of round the clock child care. What was I thinking?

She starts to become entwined in her retractable leash. At some point it looks as if she is trying to catch the dog and at other times it looks like she’s running away from it, but basically they are just spinning in circles.

I see something brown flapping around in the dog’s mouth and I think, ahh…the dog picked up a dead squirrel. I figure I’ll come to her rescue and just use her poop bag to grab the thing. No need for hysterics ma’am, I’m a professional.

I mean really…the screeching…what the?

She turns to me with panic-struck eyes and it’s like slow motion.. “Ppleeaase…heeellpp…meee.”

There is a BAT hanging off her dog’s face.

Alright, that’s something you don’t see everyday. But still. I am no stranger to wayward bats. I can do this, I just need something to brush it off the dog. And just like that, the dog shakes his head again and knocks the bat loose.

The dog seems to be fine.

Now I’m staring at a bat spread eagle on the sidewalk…twitching. This will eat at my conscious All. F-ing. Day.

I think, if I just had a shovel. I could never kill a living creature, but I could (a) make a guy that walks by do it, or (b) throw it in a garbage can to suffer in privacy. Alas, I’m in front of Old Stone Church and the sanctuary is not open until 9, so God’s not doing me any favors.

Then I see a Cleveland Alliance SUV parked over in front of Key Tower and I march my ass in its direction. This is exactly the type of shit they should be handling – Killer Daytime Bats.

The police officer roles down his window.

Me: Um a dog just got attacked by a bat over there.
Officer: A what?
Me: A bat.
Officer: A what?!
Me: A BAT! Like those things that fly around. The dog shook it loose and now it’s lying on the sidewalk and bats aren’t really supposed to be out in the day…so could you get someone to move it before it bites someone?

I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe a word I was saying because he asked me to repeat SEVERAL times where the bat was, even though I was clearly pointing to the front of a Cleveland Historical Landmark.

Officer: Well, I can call it into the dispatch, but I’m not sure if there is anything we can do about it.

Not sure if there is anything you can do about it? A shovel, people! That’s all you need. What is this world coming to that we don’t know how to handle rabid bats!

He headed over (in his SUV) to assess the situation. My luck, the bat had probably regained his senses during this exchange and had flown off to cause the officer to think…yep, bat shit crazy.

Serenity Now

I’m a little concerned at the apparent absence of short-term memory in my children. Did I drop them on their heads too many times? Should I not have let them eat paint chips?

Is it normal for them to not remember something I told them exactly 3.7 seconds ago?

Typical weekend:

Where are we going? When are we going there? What time are we leaving? Where else are we going? How long till we leave for Nana’s? Which Nana? Do I have to wear a coat? Where are we going before Nana’s? Is Daddy coming with us? Where are we going after Nana’s? Will Whitney be at Nana’s? Why is there air? How many places do we have to go to today? Why are we going to the store? Why are we going to Nana’s? Which Nana? Where are we going and what time will we get there? Can I take my baby?

Rewind to five minutes prior to the first question:

“In twenty minutes we are going to all the leave the house together. First we have to stop at the store to pick up dog food. Then we will go to the gas station. Then, and only then, we will drive to Nana “Sid and Leo”’s to color Easter eggs. Uncle John, Barbi and Whitney will be there, too.”

I have never known two individuals more concerned with time, yet have no idea how to read a clock, nor understand the concept of how 11 AM differs from 3 PM. It’s best to stick with “before lunch” and “after lunch”.

Also...there is a shocking lack of curiosity for where the “Papa”s fit in this picture.

Maybe, you are saying to yourself, I gave them too much information to process.

Yesterday morning:

“My iPod is out of batteries. We have to listen to the radio”

“Can you put on Lemonade Mouth?”

“No, that’s on my iPod.”

“Can you play the “kiss me on my shoulder” song?”

“No, that’s on my iPod.”

“Do you have the ANT Farm songs?”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN’T BRING MY IPOD! I AM NOT TAKING REQUESTS!”

A few minutes of bliss while the radio station plays songs at random.

“Can you play the Muppets now?”

“The next person that asks me to play something that is on my iPod will lose their hearing for all eternity.” (I didn’t say this. I am not THAT mean.)

Thankfully a song comes on the radio that they know and can sing along with. Unfortunately, this song actually ends.

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Can you play that song again?

Fuck. Me.

Poor Man's Edition of Entertainment Weekly

Movies

First of all, did anyone else notice that John Cusack is playing the role of Edgar Allen Poe in the movie The Raven? Holy Excellent Casting, Batman! Finally, a casting director that doesn’t go for the obvious (Depp). The movie is not an adaptation of The Raven, but rather about a serial killer inspired by Poe’s work, which Poe himself is asked to help stop. Looks interesting. And I always choose Lloyd Dobbler.

“She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Second of all…Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer. Tagline…are you a patriot or are you a vampire? How great is it to see my favorite president kicking some vampire ass? Beyond words.

In the movie Looper, an older version of the character played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be played by Bruce Willis. Do I buy this? I don’t think so.

Why is there a Hunger Games 4 on IMDB? There were only three books. Please do not tell me they are going to split book 3 into two movies. BREAK THE CYCLE! If Lord of the Rings didn’t need to do it, NOBODY needs to do it!

On a related note, if you think I don’t have my ticket for the midnight viewing on Thursday, you don’t know me AT ALL!

Television

Scott mentioned that he heard reality TV has made being a hillbilly cool (or something like that, I was trying to listen to Paul Jr. reveal his latest bike). I don’t know what he’s talking about, but maybe I’ve been too busy lately with my “To Do List”

1. Check on illegal moonshine distillery in my parents woods.
2. Repo the pick up truck from the guy that owns the storage facility where I lost the bid on that locker auction.
3. Patent my newest duck caller.
4. Hunt down the douche that skipped bond on me.
5. Dig for gold in the Bering Sea.

This blog’s namesake is making a guest appearance on Once Upon a Time next Sunday. When Morgan and I had the Hatter sighting in the preview after this week's episode, we both gasped and looked at each other at the same time. Not sad, not sad at all. For fans of The Who...Roger Daltry is going to be the voice of the caterpillar. Also loved that two seconds later I got a text from Melissa. You are starting to know me too well.

Back up a week...Scott’s parents watched the girls the Sunday night we took Gramy to hear an orchestra. When they asked about bedtime, I said that they could stay up for Once Upon a Time, but then had to go to bed.

When we got home, I asked how bedtime went and was informed that everything went as intended. Then Papa Turtle said something along the lines of “that show’s a little weird” with some concern in his voice.

Upon watching the episode later that week, I realized the fairy tale they twisted up this time around was Little Red Riding Hood and (SPOILER ALERT) Red is the wolf! And she killed people. Including her boyfriend Peter. And there was a lot of blood. Hmmmm….questioning my parenting skills again. Probably should have recorded that one first to see if it was appropriate. Live and learn.

Books

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. If you like the Young Adult genre and paranormal activity, I highly recommend! It’s been a great read in a time when I really needed a great read. Everything has been so “blah” lately.

Sibling Rivalry

I have an older and younger brother. Neither of them read my blog.

My older brother spent the majority of his adolescence teasing my younger brother mercilessly. Whether by gender or by my cloak of invisibility, I somehow escaped this rite of passage. In later years, I helped pile on the abuse, so I do feel a little guilty.

Honestly, he made it pretty easy. John didn't have one imaginary friend, he had an army. He sucked his finger for a long time. But probably his biggest disadvantage was how quickly he cracked - to tears as a toddler or to absolute rage as he got older - think Red Ross from Friends. (He should have stuck to tears, because rage just made Charlie laugh harder.)

Having daughters a similar age has brought me closer with the little pest, and I have come to appreciate what a great dad and uncle he is. But, as we've made our way into adulthood, I'm ashamed to admit that Charlie and I still gang up on him.

Shortly before the holidays, I started noticing how positive his facebook status updates were. I'm not down with that. I took to sarcastically commenting on his posts with mature responses like, "Isn't that just glitterific!" and "Zippadee Do Da!" This has not deterred him, which means I've had to take drastic measures.

Charlie is not on facebook, so I took a moment this weekend to bring him up to date on some of the rainbows and kittens that John's been pooping out lately. Subsequent to this, and unbeknownst (is that a word?) to John, I have been forwarding the more repugnant status updates to Charlie via e-mail.

Please note that the below status update is not his worst offense, but Charlie's response is why I am proud to call him my brother.

To: Charlie

From: Anna

Re: facebook status update

John - 2 hours ago (punctuation his)

What a day finished barbi's bed. Fixed my truck. Now e-check new tags for both trucks and need a new drivers license

To: Anna

From: Charlie

Re: Re: facebook status update

Why on earth would he need plates and a new driver’s license…is there a birthday coming up????

I hope all those who were not aware of the birthday can catch that subtle hint without getting lost in the intrigue of the story. It’s like the words were painted on the computer screen with careful brush strokes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN! Thanks for reminding us!

For those of you keeping up with our strange family gatherings. This Sunday the extended Kirschner family is getting together for one of our group birthday celebrations. This one is to celebrate anyone born between the months of January and June. Which means...happy birthday to me, too.

My Favorite Things (Sarcasm Implied)

1. The stairway between the 10th and 11th floor that we are only supposed to use in emergencies. (I'm not sure why all the stairways have that signage, because nobody pays attention to it.)

This particular stairway is my direct route to the cafeteria, which you would probably figure out when you saw the meatball that has been rotting there for the last two months.

Dear Meatball Dropper...Seriously? Pick that shit up.

Dear Facilities Managment...Seriously? In two months you haven't once cleaned the stairwell? What if there was an ACTUAL emergency and people ended up tripping over the hundreds of meatballs that people had dropped and not picked up?

2. The new partner on our year-end audit, that came up with new and interesting ways to torture me, while already going through the living hell known as enterprise risk management. This would be the single reason that I haven't blogged in over two weeks. Guess what you missed? You can blame him.

• The concussion I gave myself while attempting to lift my 140 pound dog's ass off the kitchen floor and subsequently slamming my head into the counter.
• Zoe waking me up at 3:30 in the morning to let me know there was "something in her bed" and that something was puke. Which was now on my hands.
• A beer tasting in downtown Cleveland from 2pm - 6pm. Quote upon entering: We should have bought an extra pass so we could have split another 25 tickets. Quote upon leaving: I have eight tickets left, how many do you have? (Or something like that, it was hard to tell with all the slurring and the need to concentrate on walking without falling over.)

Sidebar: Early Saturday morning, I ran into said partner in our local bakery. For once, I wasn't wearing pajamas. Although I did have my hair braided in pig tails, so I probably looked like a 12-year-old (or maybe a 38-year-old with pig tails). He looked MUCH worse.

3. My own insanity which led me to completely overhaul the upstairs playroom exactly one hour AFTER our PTA's spring resale. In my defense, Zoe asked me to find Bitty Baby's missing shoes, so I was actually attempting to be a good mom for a change.

I found one shoe about 15 minutes into demolition. Seven hours later, my final task was to dump out the bins of stuffed animals to find loot that made its way to the bottom. Low and behold a pink shoe. Guess what? Same goddamn shoe I found seven hours earlier. She WILL be the death of me.

(On a side note, the train table / Fisher Price Little People village has been turned into a craft table, so anyone interested in FP LP sets should contact me immediately! Barn, Castle, House, School and all the accouterments. These prices won't last forever! Everything must go!)

4. Zombie shows. For real. Who knew?