So You Think You're Ready for Kindergarten

Going through the Kindergarten Registration packet is a little less daunting the second time around, but no less annoying.

First and foremost, the amount of repetitive information is staggering.  You know, there is this change management rule that says you have to repeat something seven times before it really sinks in...I don't think that should apply to this packet situation. Just the one page with important dates would have sufficed.  Don't keep throwing out random dates on other pieces of paper that I have to reconcile to the Important Dates page.  (Because, yes, I'm an auditor, and I reconciled them.)

Also, you may think it is 2013, but filling out this paperwork is like stepping back into 1980 before they invented computers, dot matrix printers, and the Internets.  I had to write our address EIGHT times.  THREE times on the SAME paper.  I had to write MY name TWELVE times (not counting signatures).  This better be part of the modernization program our taxes are going towards this year.  Seriously, it's easier to pay taxes than to sign your kid up for kindergarten.

Also, the rest of the world has gone paperless, we don't get "utility bills" anymore for proof of residency.  Okay, I do.  But I'm sure there are people that are more green than I am.

Mixed messages.  On one pages it lists all the things you MUST bring with you in order to register, but then two more pages in it gives you the same list, in a different order and using different terminology and then tells you to just have it all in by August 9th.

Note to first timers:  This August 9th thing is helpful for the health and immunization records.  In case you are like me and have kids with late spring/early summer birthdays and your insurance won't cover more than one well-visit in the same 12-month period, it doesn't make sense to have the doctor fill out all the paperwork now, just to have them update it again in two months when you actually go in for a check up.

In contrast to the overload of repetitive information, there are little tid bits that lack any clarity. For instance...Birth Certificate.  Okay, is that a copy?  A certified copy?  Do I have to go stand in line at Vital Statistics for an official duplicate?  Hint: None of the above.  You have to bring your original and they make a copy of it while you are there.

Now here is where I admit the number of times I started to write my name instead of Zoe's...three.  And the number of times I mistakenly marked her as "male"...one (in my defense, the lines were confusing).  There's no prevention for user error. 

Number of times I felt guilty...when they asked when my child reached certain developmental milestones and I had no fracking clue because she is my second child and therefore there is no record of ANYTHING.  You have my best guess, people.  All I know is that she took twice as long to talk and half as long to ride scooter as my oldest.  But my oldest spoke early and still has no large motor skill coordination.  So if you average it out, it's average.

Sidebar: I'm mildly offended that they always ask for the father's information first when you know damn well it is the mothers that are filling it out and we are the first ones (with exceptions) that are going to get a phone call if something goes wrong. 

Okay, so it took less than a lunch hour to get it done, so who cares?  (Well, me obviously, because I could have been reading Entertainment Weekly's recap of Once Upon a Time or sending more links of puppies to my husband.)

But just in case you have everything ready and get through this week and think you are in the clear...rest assured you will get another packet of information at the Kindergarten Open House (not an Open House) in which you will need to write down your address and phone numbers at least three to five more times.

And, oh shit, I completely forgot about Safety Town.  (Which may explain why my kids and I rode our bikes to the playground yesterday without helmets.)  I seriously need a carpool situation for that one.  Calling all SAHMs that want another kid for two weeks.

FYI - to any BV moms going through this for the first time...the alternative transportation sheet is stapled to the back of the transportation packet...get it in early so you know you get your correct bus information this summer.

Now all I have left to do is convince the school I need to be in AM Kindergarten when I clearly live in the PM zone.  Oh, and convince Zoe that she does, in fact, want to attend.  No problem.

The Dog, the Leprechaun, and the Wardrobe

Our girls pretty much had the opposite reactions than I would have expected to our dog passing this winter.  Morgan and Potter had always just occupied the same space, where Zoe was all about giving him treats and laying on top of him like a throw rug.

So I was a little shocked at how inconsolable Morgan was when we told her. And she was prone to bouts of melancholy for at least a couple weeks afterward.  Even today, she told me she misses seeing him in the back hallway when she goes to get her coat.  Zoe, on the other hand, simply asked if we were going to get a new dog that day and name it Potter.

Now Morgan is ready for another Saint Bernard, which I'm somewhat opposed to.  I know plenty of people that are loyal to a certain breed, but I have a hard time "replacing" my pets.  I could also never have another Collie, which is the dog I grew up with. Scott, however, I think will be easily persuaded to get a Saint Bernard as long as it is a short haired variety.  I'm thinking of giving the girls the option of two greyhounds vs. one St. Bernard in the hopes that having their "own" will lean them in the other direction.

Just this weekend, I had the following conversation with Morgan after leaving a house that recently got two new dogs.

"I think we should get another Saint Bernard.  Or maybe a Bulldog.  I like those.  And if it was a French Bulldog it could wear a beret.  Or if it was an artist Saint Bernard it could wear a beret, too."

"Do you know a lot of artist Saint Bernards?"

"No.  But Potter was pretty messy and that is kind of like being an artist.  And then we could get him a little coat that has paint splatters on it, like painters wear."

Why do I have the feeling that I am going to end up with another Saint Bernard?

* * *

Morgan recently spent an afternoon at the Nature Center learning about the Wonders of Water, during which they must have talked about rainbows, which coincidentally lines up nicely with the skit she has been writing with a group from school around throwing a birthday party for Roy G. Biv.

"Do you think the first person to discover a rainbow was surprised to see indigo?  I wonder who discovered the first rainbow.  I bet it was a leprechaun."

Of course it was.

* * *

Me:  We need to go to Target for some cleaning supplies and I need a Valentine's Day card for Daddy.
Morgan:  I am GREAT at picking Valentine's Day cards for Dad.  I think we should get one with a dog in a swim suit...no, a dog in a bikini...a dog in a pink and red bikini.  Because adults have a good sense of humor.   You just need to get it out of them.

* * *

One of our major Storage Wars projects is coming to a close.  This would be a corner hutch that has been installed in our living room.  When Zoe asked Scott what it was, he told her it was something like a wardrobe and then convinced her when he was done, he would make it magical and it could take her to Narnia.

So for the past few days, Zoe has been asking Scott when he's going to put the magic in it and he told her she needed to wait for the face plate he was going to install over what used to be a hole for a light switch.  He then went to Thing Remembered and got the plate engraved with the words "To Narnia".  It looks pretty cool.

Guess who is not happy?  A little girl who put herself inside a wardrobe and stepped right back out into the living room.  I do have her sold on the fact that the wardrobe only works if Aslan needs her to come to Narnia, but that she can pretend it takes her there instead.

She tries the wardrobe every day.  I think I'm going to lock her in there for a while and then redecorate the living room to look like the lamppost in the woods.

Sidebar:  When you spill some of the rustoleum paint you are using to clean up the radiator cover on your finger tips, you should not try to quickly get it off by scrubbing your hands with soap and water in the sink.  This only spreads oil-based paint over BOTH of your entire hands.  Also, be sure that you actually have paint thinner or turpentine on hand when using oil-based paint and not assume that you are not going to spill paint on your hands.  Also, nail polish remover would have worked if you had more than an amount to soak one cotton ball.  Also, your hands may look a little "red" after you pour a substance called "Oops" directly on them.

Red Flags

I feel like I’ve been holding back on some of the “Kids Say the Darndest Things” moments we’ve had recently, but honestly…my memory has been for shit lately. They say something and I think “I have to blog that.” And then five minutes later it’s gone.

Just like those Jimmy Dean Pancake & Sausage on a stick microwave breakfasts that I should have NEVER tasted.

Morgan: I’m lucky to have you as my mom.
Mom: Well, that’s a very kind thing to say. I’m lucky that I have such a kind daughter.
Morgan: Well, sometimes I’m not very nice at Thea’s to Zoe.
Mom: I think it’s hard for sisters to be nice to each other all the time.
Morgan: Especially little sisters and big sisters. Do you think big sisters are mean to little brothers?

Red Flag: My kid is becoming a suck up.

Zoe: I had a dream last night that I went looking and found a monster with a green face.
Mommy: Was it a mean monster?
Zoe: Yes, he had fire in his hands and he blew Barbie’s head off. But then it was okay because I just went to the basement with Megan.
Mommy: Who’s Megan?
Zoe: Big Megan.
Mommy: Ben and Gabe’s Megan?
Zoe: Yes.

I actually didn’t confirm whether she was talking about one of her Barbie dolls or if she meant my soon-to-be Sister In Law Barbi. I’m going with the doll.

Red Flag: My kids are still calling my step nieces by this inaccurate modifier. How many times do I have to tell them their last name is Jones?

Morgan: I can’t wait until I’m done with college.
Parents: Why exactly?
Morgan: Well, there are two reasons. One is that it means I won’t ever have to go to school again. And two, it means I can start my home job.
Mom: What’s a home job?
Morgan: If I just make art, I can do that from my house and never have to leave it.

Red Flag: If she doesn’t become a Marine Biologist, there go my reduced-priced tickets to Sea World.

Zoe has invented a game called “I Love You Much More Than…” and we take turns coming up with silly things to end that sentence. No kidding, she made that shit up all by herself. Items include: toothbrushes, shoelaces, fans, Potter slobber, flip flops, shower curtains….you get the point.

Red Flag: How long before she changes the game to “I Hate You Much More Than…”

Donde esta el bano?

OR Norcross Vacation 2012– Part 1

A note about the title. I was trying to think of how to say “Where are you from?” but my college German overrode my high school Spanish. And while I tried several times to transport my brain to Mr. Volzer’s (Aye Carramba!) first period classroom, I did not attempt to Google it.
All I could come up with was “Donde esta el bano?” which I learned from watching 80’s sitcoms.

Specifically, an episode of Who’s the Boss? where Tony is trying to teach the family useful phrases en route to some resort in Mexico. Obviously, Angela scoffs at this. She is a high-powered female business executive with no need for conversational Spanish. Until you see their airport taxi pulling into the resort and Angela jumping from the car and running to the first person she sees.

“Donde….esta…….?”

“EL BANO, Angela, EL BANO!” Tony is just so damn helpful.

In related news, thanks to Dora, my kids said “Gracias” to the café worker in Mexico. See, Dad, television is NOT why the Japanese are ahead of us.

I have a point.

It’s not about Spanish.

Several times on the cruise we were asked where we were from. Of these times, at least 50% of the questions come from people who were obviously not from the US. (Including the cutest older Australian couple, who loved our kids.)

However, my standard, non-thinking response was always “Ohio”. This makes me cringe and the reasons are twofold.

First off, ever notice in TV shows when the main characters run into out-of-towners that seem just a little off – maybe they are stuck in the 80s, or maybe they are naïve, or maybe they lack basic vocabulary skills – they always end up saying they are from Ohio. Why all the hate for Ohio? What about Idaho? Or Iowa? What about KANSAS!? I know there are some hick people out there.

More importantly, perhaps, why should I expect someone from a different country to know Ohio? I don’t even know all the provinces in CANADA for god’s sake, and there’s not that many of them.

Don’t ask me to tell you what all the countries in Eastern Europe and Africa are. I could probably guess the majority of South America. Brazil’s the big one, right? (Hmmm, maybe television IS the reason the Japanese are ahead of us.)

The point being, after I say it, I feel like a complete douche bag Ugly American. What do mean you don’t know where Ohio is? Don’t you watch Glee or reruns of The Drew Carey Show?

Not that any of them admitted to not knowing where Ohio was, by the way. I should probably give them credit for having moderately superior geography skills than me. I mean, they are the ones speaking two languages without relying on Who’s the Boss? trivia.

Speaking of being lost…did I mention we lost our kids on the cruise? I guess if you are going to give your kids a practical survival scenario for getting lost, a cruise ship is the place to do it.  They can’t get far, kidnapping is out of the question, and the clientele that can afford the cruise are less likely to be homicidal maniacs (or maybe more likely, not sure).

Anyway…we were up on Deck 16. Nana and Papa had already headed back to the room and everyone else was gathering their things. Morgan told us she had to go down to 15 for her flip flops.

I keep gathering our things and look up to notice Zoe is no longer standing next to us. I look down and see Morgan picking up her flip flops, but no Zoe. Okay…walk quickly towards the doors that lead to the elevator lobby and reach them just as she pops back out.

Fortunately, Uncle J had come out of the restroom right as she was walking by and asked her where she was going. She informed him that she was following Morgan, but he didn’t see Morgan anywhere, so brought Zoe back with him. Phew.

Look back over the edge again. No Morgan. Jesus Christ!

Honestly, my first thought was that she went back to the room. From Day 1, they had figured out what floor our room was on, which door it was, and how to use their Sea Pass to get in. Unfortunately, her Sea Pass was still in my beach bag, so I wasn’t sure what she would do once she got there and no one let her in.

Scott headed back to the room, while the rest of us did random sweeps around the two decks. What felt like an hour later, Scott shows back up with Morgan in tow. She had gone to the room and was working her way back down the hall when he found her.

Yeah, new rule. Sea Pass on, unless you are IN the pool.

And speaking of worst case scenario…a man missing his leg goes by while we are lounging one morning.

Zoe: Why is his leg missing?
Nana: Maybe he had an accident or was sick.
Zoe: No, I think he was in a shark tank and it got bit off.

To be continued….

Zoe's Favorite Things - Age 4

Tomorrow morning, around 2AM, will be 4 years since we brought Zoe into this world.  As I wrote that it just occurred to me what they say about your child's sleeping habits being comparable to the time they were born.  She's definitely an early riser and often wakes up for a drink around 2AM....hmmm.

In the early years of this blog you may have thought her name was Devil's Spawn.  But to be fair, her sister was a very mellow baby, so we didn't have a lot to go on at the time. 

In an effort to actually do one of things from Pinterest that I said I was going to do, I asked Zoe to complete the following questionairre, which I will hopefully update every year. Yes, I know that's a laughable idea.

Here it is in her words.

Best Friend: Paige
Movie: Witch and the Wardrobe (Narnia)
TV Show: Austin and Ally (It's captivating, I tell you.  No arguements here.)
Toy:  Babies (shocker)
Book:  All the books
Color: Purple
Song: Kiss me on my shoulder song (Miles, by Christina Perri)
Food:  Chicken on the bone (that would be those pre-roasted jobbies you get from Heinen's)
Dessert: Candy and Cookies (another shocker)
Thing to do as a family: Play and walk and go to the playground
Thing about Morgan: Her American Girl Doll (yes, she covets)
Thing about Mommy: Playing babies with me
Thing about Daddy:  Nothing (I did question her on this one, because she is a Daddy's Girl and always picks him over me, but she said she couldn't think of anything.)
Things about Thea's (sitter):  Playing Polly Pockets

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Susan (Narnia) and have a home and have a baby and have some children.

Serenity Now

I’m a little concerned at the apparent absence of short-term memory in my children. Did I drop them on their heads too many times? Should I not have let them eat paint chips?

Is it normal for them to not remember something I told them exactly 3.7 seconds ago?

Typical weekend:

Where are we going? When are we going there? What time are we leaving? Where else are we going? How long till we leave for Nana’s? Which Nana? Do I have to wear a coat? Where are we going before Nana’s? Is Daddy coming with us? Where are we going after Nana’s? Will Whitney be at Nana’s? Why is there air? How many places do we have to go to today? Why are we going to the store? Why are we going to Nana’s? Which Nana? Where are we going and what time will we get there? Can I take my baby?

Rewind to five minutes prior to the first question:

“In twenty minutes we are going to all the leave the house together. First we have to stop at the store to pick up dog food. Then we will go to the gas station. Then, and only then, we will drive to Nana “Sid and Leo”’s to color Easter eggs. Uncle John, Barbi and Whitney will be there, too.”

I have never known two individuals more concerned with time, yet have no idea how to read a clock, nor understand the concept of how 11 AM differs from 3 PM. It’s best to stick with “before lunch” and “after lunch”.

Also...there is a shocking lack of curiosity for where the “Papa”s fit in this picture.

Maybe, you are saying to yourself, I gave them too much information to process.

Yesterday morning:

“My iPod is out of batteries. We have to listen to the radio”

“Can you put on Lemonade Mouth?”

“No, that’s on my iPod.”

“Can you play the “kiss me on my shoulder” song?”

“No, that’s on my iPod.”

“Do you have the ANT Farm songs?”

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DIDN’T BRING MY IPOD! I AM NOT TAKING REQUESTS!”

A few minutes of bliss while the radio station plays songs at random.

“Can you play the Muppets now?”

“The next person that asks me to play something that is on my iPod will lose their hearing for all eternity.” (I didn’t say this. I am not THAT mean.)

Thankfully a song comes on the radio that they know and can sing along with. Unfortunately, this song actually ends.

“Mommy?”

“Yes?”

“Can you play that song again?

Fuck. Me.

Queen of Mean

Sometimes when I get in the shower, it's fun to start counting to myself to see how long it will take for one of the girls to come ask me for something.

This morning's example...potentially 7.8 seconds in, but that's just rounding.

Morgan: Mom, Zoe and I bumped heads.
Zoe: And I bumped my forehead.
Me: Seeing as you are both standing here in this room talking to me, and neither of you is actually crying, I think you will live and this was a perfectly pointless conversation.

See, I can't even stand being interupted when I'm doing something I don't like (dishes, exercising, laundry). So interrupting something enjoyable probably causes the sarcasm gene to rear its ugly head pretty damn quick.

Sometimes when I'm home by myself I stand in the shower for 30 minutes, regardless of whether I need one. Silence is golden. (Until I start singing show tunes, that is.)

Here are some of the more common shower interuptions and my responses, ranging from mild to Evil Queen depending on how many times I have been asked the question that day.

"I'm thirsty."

• Do you see the sink and drinking cup behind you, or did it disappear?


• Stick your head in the shower and open your mouth.


• Go check Potter's water dish. (I would actually never use this one on Zoe, because there is a 75% chance she would take me up on it.)


• I guess you will just dehydrate then.

"Do you know where my _________ is?"

• Where did you leave it? (I think this one is actually kind of helpful.)


• No.


• Pretend I'm dead...what would you do?


• No, but when I find it, I'm going to throw it in the trash.

"Zoe/Morgan has done something mildly annoying, but I'm going to act like it is the end of the world and wish she had never been born."

• Go to your room. (That's it. Tattling is almost worse than interupting.)

Curtsy While You're Thinking. It Saves Time.

SIDEBAR

The best part of waking up at three in the morning because your little one needs a drink is realizing that you still have three more hours to sleep. The worst part? WAKING UP AT THREE IN THE MORNING!

REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

I feel like the month of November should be relaxing. I will be taking down the Halloween decorations today. I’m not in charge of anything pertaining to Thanksgiving other than showing up. I only have the following obligations:

Taking the girls to see The Wizard of Oz play.

2 ECPTA field trips with Zoe (including a tour of Heinen’s – so she can show everyone where the bathroom is – and a tour of Chick Fil A – her FAVORITE place to eat! Holla!)

ECPTA General Meeting, ECPTA Board Meeting, ECPTA State of the Homes Tour Meeting, ECPTA Girls Night, PTA Scholarship Auction, ECPTA Adult Outing Beer Tasting.

Oh and I also have to volunteer for the no-fun PTA (elementary school) at the Book Fair.

And then there is a Relay for Life Captains/Committee meeting. Which I’m only attending because I’m the co-captain of the ECPTA’s team.

Yeah…written out like that, my life is very sad.

Also, I must take the girls to see The Muppet Movie. I totally screwed Morgan over on A Dolphin Tale, because we knew Zoe couldn’t sit through it.

SEEN AND HEARD

In the car

Zoe: Do we have robots in our tummies for when our brains don’t work?

Mommy: I wish.

On my facebook wall

Michelle: I totally just headbutted you but...Tim [our cab driver] is wearing stretch pants!!!!

(I promise, we were drunk, but that might be my favorite quote ever!)

Zoe had a bad cold and wasn’t quite up to trick-or-treating

Morgan: I promise you can have some of my candy, Zoe.

(Not sure I will ever hear something like that again, so it needs to be recorded for posterity.)

Sophie's Choice and Almost Famous

Spohie’s Choice

I’ve actually never seen the movie, so I’m not entirely sure what choice they are referring to, but imagine if you will…(Editor's note: As I'm posting this, Sophie's Choice came on the TV, how weird is that? FYI - About sending kids to concentration camps.)

A young mother in a war-torn middle eastern country is told by her embassy that she must be evacuated to a nearby peaceful area, but she can only take one of her two young children with her. The other child must stay under the watch of the heavily guarded and super-qualified embassy staff. But still, someone could bomb the embassy at any time, right?

Me: Meredith’s mom is picking you up at school to take you for ice cream with your Daisy troop tomorrow.
Morgan: Yay!
Me: Then she’s going to bring you back to their house to play until I get home from work.
Morgan: (pause) What about Pooh Bear Blanket and Beluga? Where will they be?
Me: At home, I guess, since you won’t go to Thea’s after school. (She usually takes them to Thea’s and dumps them in the hallway before catching the bus and picks them up again when it is time for us to go home.)
Morgan: (tears starting to form) But…but…
Me: Morgan, you don’t have them all day at school, and you don’t even play with them at Thea’s, so this is no different.
Morgan: But couldn’t I take them in my backpack just this once?
Me: They won’t both fit in your backpack. I guess you can take one.
Morgan: (gasp) But which one?
Me: I don’t care. (Because I just can’t get past the fact that she DOESN'T PLAY WITH THEM!)

In the morning Morgan quietly gets dressed and asks me again through many tears if she can’t somehow take both of them. To which I become mean Mommy and tell her that I’m not going to let her take either of them outside the house ever again if she doesn’t get over it.

Well, actually, I think I was pretty reasonable. I told her it was okay that she was sad, but she had until we left the house to calm down and stop worrying about it. She decides that Beluga will make the trip in her backpack.

I continue to get us ready to go and come downstairs to find Zoe standing with Pooh Bear Blanket lovingly clutched in her arms. Morgan is smiling.

Morgan: (in her Little Miss Innocent voice) Zoe promised to take care of Pooh Bear Blanket today, so she is going to take him to Thea’s. Thank you, Zoe.
Zoe, The Enabler: (clearing proud of her responsibility) You’re welcome, Morgan.

Basically, I give up.

* * *

"Rockstars have kidnapped my son!" - Almost Famous

I may have overdone it a bit at the clambake on Saturday. That might have been obvious by my facebook status updates.

Needless to say, Sunday morning came a little too early for me, despite the fact that the girls seemed to be sleeping in.

Around 7 a.m. I hear Zoe starting to stir. In a quiet voice, I hear, "Morgan, it's morning time. Wake up, Morgan. It's morning time."

Ten minutes later Morgan gets up to use the bathroom and Zoe comes in to our room. "Mommy, I have to go potty, too. Oh, nevermind Mom, I will use my little potty. You stay in bed."

"Who are you and what have you done with my daughter?"

(Note: We have a training potty that doubles as the sink stool so they can reach to brush their teeth. So even though she doesn't need the training potty, it is still present. A fact I was very much thankful for.)

Then I hear Morgan help her empty the training potty into the regular toilet. WHAT?

Next there is a an opening and shutting of dresser drawers, the padding of little feet, and she appears again. "I picked out my clothes, Mommy."

In her hand is a tank top and shorts, but they MATCH, by god! I say, "I think we need to wear something nicer to Sunday school, okay? I'll help you."

I decide if she is going to be helpful Zoe, I better take advantage.

The Month of Rain or What I've Been Doing for Two Weeks

Lisa: "I'm so sick of this rain. Remind me not to honeymoon at Niagara Falls?"
Mother: "So you'll go to Acapulco...it'll be nice." - Dirty Dancing

Sidebar: It is scary how many Dirty Dancing quotes I have in my brain. I practically gave Scott a monologue when we did the dance lesson with PTA.

* * *

Morgan: Mrs. Noble is my favorite teacher.
Mommy: Who is Mrs. Noble?
Morgan: She's the librarian.
Mommy: Why is she is your favorite?
Morgan: I don't know where I would be without her.

The best part is, the other night we stopped at the school to pick something up. Morgan was up ahead of me and she held a door for a teacher coming out. When I caught up, she giggled and whispered, "That's Mrs. Noble."

So I ran back out to catch her and got to thank her and tell her what Morgan had said. She came over and gave Morgan a hug, which just made her day! Teacher of the Year in my book. Morgan goes in there with pretty specific requests from whales to Chinese New Year (no joke), so I applaud her patience.

* * *

I think Zoe is related to Buddy the Elf. Every five minutes..."Mommy, what's your favorite color?"

It's gotten to the point that she asks the question and answers it in the same breath. "Mommy-what's-your-favorite-color-pink."

I might also note how much Scott loves to be asked this question.

* * *

Time for me to go home: I just tried to feed the ATM $1.50 in order to get a Coke. In case there was any confusion: ATMs do not dispense liquid refreshments.

* * *

Background: The kindergarten class has "mystery reader" days. On those days, a parent comes in to read to the class. The teacher gives the class clues that eventually narrow down the students to the child whose parent is standing in the hallway.

Back in August I signed up for my day. Every week since, Morgan has said, "Gee, I really hope you are going to be the next mystery reader."

I signed up for March 8...apparently. It's really all a blur. I got a reminder note last Friday and made plans to work from home on the following Monday.

I was probably a little overly excited to see her face when she realized I was finally going to be there. Over most of the weekend I kept thinking about which book I was going to take...keeping in mind the length and trying to keep it gender neutral instead of making the little boys suffer through Ballet Kitty.

I showed up at the school Monday morning and signed in by the office, walking giddily down the hallway. It was right before the classroom door that I started to doubt myself.

Suddenly, MARCH 8 flashed before my eyes. Monday was March 7...not March 8. No, I was sure that the note said Monday...but...didn't it say March 8, too?

I stood in the hallway wondering what to do. I couldn't pop my head in. Morgan would see me. I couldn't go back home to check the sheet, because what if I was there on the right day and I was missing when she came to look for me.

Finally, the co-teacher came out of the room for some reason and noticed me there biting my nails.

"Umm, I'm a day early, aren't I?"

Her laughter gave me my answer. Yes, I was an entire DAY early. That's pretty good for me. It should be noted that they did offer to switch the class around to accommodate me, but I felt too stupid and guilty.

I should also note that I dug the reminder letter out of the recycling and nowhere on that form was the word Monday like I had imagined. It simply said March 8. Period.

Ugh, I had absolutely no excuse to fall back on. But as Scarlett says, tomorrow is another day.

Author Note: It was definitely worth the drama to see her beaming face when she came out in the hall to find me.

* * *

My first attempt to participate in the Early Childhood PTA resale event.

My original plan was to systematically go through the house room by room - top to bottom - locating every infant item that I no longer used, thus creating cavernous pockets of space in my storage areas.

The weekend before the resale I managed to get up in the attic and rummage through enough stuff to get myself stuck up there when I tried to come down the ladder and it slid out from the wall.

Luckily Scott was home, so he came to reposition the ladder and then decided to take a gander at the attic situation as well. And that's when the ladder fell again. (My dad helpfully suggested we tie a rope to the ladder the next time. Thanks, Dad.)

Now, you may remember we did a basement purge a while back and threw anything we thought we would take to the resale into giant black Hefty bags that I would organize and clean in the weeks leading up to the sale.

So on Friday I hauled those hefty bags out to the Edge and through them in the back.

Anyway, with lots of help from Michelle (shout out), I did get things cleaned up and organized in my space that night, realizing one big thing...I needed to find more crap to sell. That night I hit the game and puzzle closet, the downstairs nook, my bathroom closet and some bookshelves. So the next morning I was a lot happier, until I came to the realization that I WAS SELLING ALL MY BABY STUFF!

But I'm over it...mostly. And I made a $285 profit. Well, as long as you don't count how much I bought all that shit for in the first place.

Back to Reality or Week 1 in Review

1. Last Monday, Zoe woke up in the middle of the night and insisted on joining us, which meant I had exactly 10.5 inches of king-sized mattress to lay on from about 1:00 - 6:00 a.m. Not conducive to the sleep that is needed before my first day back to work after over a two-week vacation.

2. It's a good thing I didn't spend much of my vacation time analyzing the data I was given for a last minute project an hour before my vacation started, because in a fortunate twist of events, they did not need it. Score!

3. I need to stop stalking Facebook. I keep having dreams with random high school classmates making guest appearances. And I mean RANDOM.

4. My new staff officially started last week and that makes me officially ancient, as I am officially old enough to be her mother. That's not true. Well, it might be biologically true, but I wasn't doing things like that at age 13.

5. I also need to stop playing Soduko on my nook. I had it charging at my laptop in case I had a chance to read at lunchtime and it taunted me all day. I could just play one quick game...,nobody would know...I could stop whenever I wanted.

6. In my on-going quest to read as many Young Adult fantasy books as humanly possible, I have been enjoying Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. So I borrowed The Lightning Thief movie from the library.

• Portraying the gods as giants is NEVER going to look right no matter how good your special effects are?
• Although Sean Bean (Zeus) and Kevin McKidd (Poseidon) were perfectly cast, how could you leave out an entire MAIN CHARACTER? I mean, you might as well have left out Pierce Brosnon as the centaur (clearly the most miscast of all of them) if you aren't going to include Ares, god of war. COME ON, PEOPLE!....
• ...otherwise a thoroughly entertaining movie.

7. Morgan is still lice-free, according to the recent school check where they actually made her take her braids out! If you didn't know, Morgan is VERY particular about her braids. I mean psychotically particular....she doesn't even let Nana do them. But this woman who, according to Morgan, had never braided hair before got a giant stamp of approval from my OCD 5-year-old. Unfortunately, Morgan couldn't remember who it was. So I will send this thank you out to all the random lice-checking moms, because this is definitely one of those cases where I am happy I "work outside the home."

8. In Morgan's journal center, she had to write what amounted to a New Year's Resolution that would be some way in which she would help out around the house or with the family. Morgan said "I will mak mi lunch." So now I have to let her help make the lunches, which I thought couldn't possibly benefit me in any way until I came to the conclusion that it will force me to pack them the night before because the idea of having to get through that in the morning with her is altogether unappealing.

9. Week one of the basement purge is over...I have what equals three drum liner Hefty bags of stuff going to the curb (before we get limited to those new nifty trash cans in March), 3 more bags and one super large plastic tote of potential items for the re-sale, and my entire trunk full of clothes and bedding for Amvets. This does not include the 2 kitchen trash bags full of stuffed animals that I had segregated prior to the holidays for donation. And yet, our crawl space is still full. I do not understand how this happens.

10. And for the miracle of the week...Morgan learned to pogo stick...kind of. She asked for a pogo stick for Christmas, for god knows what reason. Nana Turtle found one with an extra wide base for beginners and Morgan tried it out on Wednesday night in the basement.

First, she just wanted Scott and I to hold her up on it and I kept telling her it wouldn't work that way and she wouldn't be able to go. So we did a few select pseudo-demos (because we technically are too large for this thing). I expected her to give up pretty quickly (she is, after all, my daughter). But damned if she didn't work her little butt off and managed three bounces in a row by the end!

There was only one instance where she fell backward and the stick kind of hit her in the nose. I quickly told her she was fine because there was no blood, which she accepted and got right back at it.

First of all...this is unprecedented. This is the same girl who drags her knuckles on the ground one minute into a soccer game and cannot manage to sit straight up in her chair long enough to write the letter "a".

Second of all...safety first. Before she attempted this, she put a stuffed chair shaped like Elmo behind her and announced it was her butt pad, which did come in handy. This is contrary to the fact that when she asked if she should wear helmet like the child in the picture her dad and I shrugged our shoulders..."ehhh, what's the worst that could happen?" We are also in contention for Parents of the Year.

Author's Note: This post was drafted over the weekend. As I was going to print, Morgan informed me that she had already contractually filled her obligation to pack lunches when she helped me last night. Didn't see that coming.

So Many Re-caps, So Little Time

Mounted New TV Over the Fireplace

Cut a giant hole in our wall 5 days prior to having my family over for "Cousin's Christmas". The hole was to run all the wiring from the TV to the components, as well as run an entirely new line of electricity from the breaker box.

In an uncommon-look towards the future, we bought every wire we could possibly hook up to the TV: 4 HDMI, 1 Cable, 1 Component (Red, Blue, Green), 1 Surround Sound, 1 PC video, 1 PC Audio, for a total of 10 wires, counting electricity.

Number of items actually hooked up to the TV? 2. Cable box and Wii (to be fair, we had a DVD player, but it doesn't fit in the cupboard we converted to a component box - which is cooler than it sounds).

Number of stores I had to visit to find all these items at a reasonable price? 5. Home Depot, Costco, Walmart, Target, and Best Buy.

How many Geek Squad members I had to play the helpless female to? 3.

All guidance suggested hooking the new breaker up in the daytime for the obvious reason that you had to turn off the main breaker to the house. We did ours at 9 PM after the girls went to bed.

Pretty much we have received flashlights for Christmas every year since being married - that would be 12 years. Number of working flashlights found? 0.

Scott turned his car lights on and pointed it in the basement window, then wore Morgan's LL Bean camping headlamp for the detailed procedure. Considering no one was electrocuted and all electricity came back on immediately...major success!

So now we have a giant hole in our wall to patch. Normally, not a big deal, but in our house there is a level of plaster on top of the wallboard which has a very random texture to it. Coat of paint went on the wall Saturday morning before the party.

Did we succeed? My dad asked where we cut the hole! Now, maybe he was trying to make us feel good about our project, but I'll take it.

Cousin's Christmas

Invitation time: 6PM. Aunt Charlie's arrival: 5:45PM. Classic.

How many people can fit in our kitchen?

Aunt Charlie rinsing shrimp (the wrong shrimp, because "Uncle Mike grabbed the wrong bag" for her) while Noah supervises;

Rebecca cutting organic apples grown from trees watered by carrying buckets from a natural spring and brie made from the milk of a free-range goat that sleeps on a bed of molted goose feathers;

Scott moving pizzas from prep block to oven stone to counter to serving plates;

Uncle Mike pouring Manhattans from a previously used plastic bottle of spring water that he brought with him from home (WoWo's - a flask might be an excellent Christmas gift!);

Jake exploding the 2-liter of ginger ale; my mom cleaning up the spill with paper towels; Dad holding his splinted hand over his head (surgery); and me yelling at everyone to get-out-of-the-kitchen-until-we-at-least-get-our-pizzas-out-of-the-oven-for-christ-sakes.

Okay, now it is actually 6 o-clock. Obviously, the Swigart's do not go for being "fashionably late."

Most sought-after item in the White Elephant gift exchange: Snuggie (with bonus gift of nose-hair trimmers)
Most inappropriate item in the White Elephant gift exchange: Jake's chin strap.

New colors for Christmas Cookie decorating icing: raspberry, olive, gray, navy blue, taxi-cab yellow, white and some shade of purple I'm not sure was around when Christ was born.

$#!* My Kids Say

Morgan (after seeing the commercial where the ocean life swims out of the television): If we had a 3-D TV and if Potter wasn't blind, then if he started barking we could tell him to stop because it's not real.

Zoe (after Mommy tells her she has to wait until Christmas to get the purse she picked out in Macy's...no joke...she was obsessed with this purse): I need to sit on Santa's lap.

Morgan: Paul and I are trying very hard not to dawdle in school.

Mommy: Do you think you are on the naughty or nice list?
Zoe (without hesitation): Naughty.

Mommy: What do you want to write in your letter to Santa?
Morgan: Do you think I should write that we have been good like he asked us to?
Mommy: Have you?
Morgan: Maybe we should say we are trying to be good like he asked us to.

Dear Santa,

We will try to be good, just like you said. It doesn't matter about getting presents, it's all about sharing and caring at Christmas (editor's note: I sense a little reverse psychology at play here). Mommy has been good, too. And so has Daddy.

Morgan, Zoe, and my DVR

Morgan

Never have I wished for public school uniforms more than I have this week.

Changing Morgan's mindset from summertime dresses and crocs to wintertime socks, long sleeves, and (god forbid) pants ranks rights up there with cleaning up the St. Bernard piles of poop from my living room carpet. Actually, cleaning up the poop took up a lot less time, and Potter didn't fight me about it. He took it like a man, despite the fact I made him stay outside while it was raining.

Morgan's list of grievances include, but are not limited to:

"Pants that touch her feet" (Anything other than capris or leggings.)

Shoes that are "too tight" (AKA actually fit her appropriately)

Long-sleeve shirts that aren't pretty enough. (Anything that is a solid color or a pattern other than rainbow. These would be the same shirts that actually coordinate with the patterned skirts and leggings, so you see my dilemma.)

Socks that "bother her" (AKA any sock with seams across the toes. FYI - ALL socks have seams across the toes. While I don't think this is worthy of the flood of tears it produces in Morgan, I do wonder why socks can't be made with seams on the outside, or no seam at all. That has to be possible. And for those of you who are about to suggest I turn the socks inside out...if you think Morgan is wearing solid colored plain socks, you are sorely mistaken. Trust me when I say her socks cannot be turned inside out.)

Sleeves that touch her wrists (This is not as bad as pants that touch her feet, but it's up there.)

Collars that touch her neck (The one thing I've been able to cut out of her wardrobe...until the winter coat comes along.)

I'm actually considering having her evaluated for some kind of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Normally, I would self-diagnose, but since Scott frowns on my use of WebMD for my own aches and pains, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't believe me if I confirmed Morgan's diagnosis on crazypeople.com.

Zoe

Spent Wednesday walking everywhere in Morgan's flip flops. Not flip flops that used to be Morgan's. Morgan's current flip flops.

If Lydia is at Thea's, they trade shoes for the day. Luckily Thea is good at remembering, because there have been many a time when I would have walked out without noticing.

Sometimes she wears a pair and carries a pair and puts a pair in the diaper bag. (You just never know what the situation will call for. A girl must be prepared.)

She never wants to wear the pair I give her, even if she happily wore them the day before.

She has requested to sleep with her shoes on more than one occasion. Not on her feet, but rather holding them like stuffed animals.

Contrarywise - none of her dolls are allowed to wear shoes.

DVR

When last I left you...

I can't believe I forgot to mention Melissa & Joe on ABC Family. Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina the Teenage Witch) and Joey Lawrence (Blossom) [Or for you children of the 80's Clarissa Explains All and Gimme A Break]. This is almost a rehashing of yet another 80's classic Who's The Boss, but Who Cares. Love the witty banter and might also enjoy the fact that her butt looks bigger than mine now.

Raising Hope - First episode was funny but mildly disturbing. By the second episode, I was over the disturbing part and laughing my ass off. Definitely a keeper.

Running Wilde - I wish I had that half hour of my life back.

Modern Family - If you have ever had a family, you should watch this show. And if Phil is not my brother Charlie, I do not know who is. This is my number one show. Period. Manny: I think I'm going to wear my burgundy jacket. Gloria: Of course you are.

Cougartown - I still think this is really funny, but it also has its moments of stupidity, so watch at your own risk. Courtney Cox is the most annoying mom ever, but when her craziness does not involve her son, she is very amusing. But her hillbilly ex-husband Bobby is the main reason to watch this show.

Community - I'm still going to watch it because of my inappropriate crush on Joel McHale, but these first two episodes have not been that funny. And enough with Betty White already. I can watch Golden Girls reruns anytime I want a fix.

The Office - I miss the old days, however...Dwight peeing in the elevator - classic!....Michael's face when they tell him Toby is his counselor - priceless! (I haven't watched the second episode yet.)

Programming note: I have not watched Outsourced yet, but it is on my list. Did you notice the shocking lack of hour-long drama's from my DVR list? I can't do it anymore. With the exception of Haven and Pretty Little Liars, I have not had the ability to pick up a new drama and stick with it. Maybe it's Lost aftershock. I'm not sure.

The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill and Other Chapters

Morgan is officially concerned about our house burning to the ground.

In the past week, she has asked me multiple times about whether or not I remembered where I bought Poohbear blanket and Beluga? "Because if they are in the fire, I can't go get them."

"That's right. The most important thing is to get you and Zoe and Mommy and Daddy out of the house. And Mommy and Daddy will worry about Potter."

"But what if you can't buy another Poohbear and Beluga."

"Okay, you do know that it is highly unlikely that our house is going to catch on fire, right?"

"I think so."

"Well, I happen to know exactly how to get a new Poohbear blanket and Beluga."

"So I can't go back for them."

It then dawns on me that this is why she is taking this tote bag around with her everywhere. If she has the bag with her at all times, these items will not be caught in the house fire. I can't believe I missed it before.

Probably the drawback to having a "bright" child (not saying she's Einstein or anything) is that they worry about everything. I remember in Little Man Tate, the child prodigy had severe ulcers at age 8 because he was worried about nuclear war and teaching his mom how to balance her checkbook.

I can totally see this happening to Morgan, but she will be more concerned with what Poohbear and Beluga are doing while she's at Kindergarten. And how long it will be until she can watch her Strawberry Shortcake video again.

In a related story, at dinner last night she announced that she wished she were a bee.

"I could have a tiny Poohbear and tiny Beluga and carry them in a tiny backpack. Then I could have another backpack to collect my pollen."

Fabulous!

Meanwhile Zoe has gone from single words to stringing sentences together like,

"Wait for me, Morgan." (used any time Morgan gets outside before her)
"Don't look at me, Mommy." (used when she is dropping a load in her diaper)
"Juice in Daddy's bottle." (used when she wants the left over Gatorade from Scott's bike ride)
"Get out of way, Potter." (used whenever she feels he is obstructing her path, no matter how unreasonable)

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

The definition of stupidity is repeating the same action over and over while expecting different results.

The definition of extreme stupidity is trying to spring clean your toddler's room while they're in it and expect them to NOT topple neatly stacked books, empty the basket of toys and remove every article of clothing from the drawers.

I begged. I threatened. Why did I not just stop? What harm could have come from waiting until Scott returned from his 18 mile run? (I'm pretty sure he took up training so he had less chance of hearing me say "Zoe, No.")

But I did it. First, it was the basket of stuffed animals that I had Morgan go through. "Can we give any of these toys away?" Unlike in her own room, where the 23 pooh-bears, and 14 penguins still take up valuable real estate, she became ruthless. The only things that remained were other various members of the Hundred Acre Wood and The Learning Puppy.

Sidebar: We have received no less the four Learning Puppies in the course of our parenthood, and damn if that thing isn't still the most annoying toy ever. No offense to the thoughtful gift bearers. Or barers. I have no idea.

No sooner had I moved to the play kitchen did I turn to find Pooh's buddies strewn across the floor. And may I mention that Zoe had never once played with those things before.

Once I get the pots, pans and spoons in their clever storage bin, I move to the four villages of Little People (Fisher Price, not TLC), only to find the devil's spawn has felt the urge to prepare a seven course meal.

Line up the shoes and take the trash out of the room. Return to mix-matched pairs on "babies", in the "sink", and going "night, night" in the crib (carefully covered with a blanket so they don't get a chill.)

I thought about letting the vacuum run so I could get everything in one place (the only thing Beelzebub fears), but figured that might cost me in later-year therapy. In the end, the room is clean. Maybe not great-grandma Feef clean, but good enough for this mom.

Just a Half a Cup, If You Don't Mind

Words Morgan Knows That Shocked the Hell Out of Me

Paleontologist -
"Steve is the Paleontologist on Dinosaur train. That means he knows all about dinosaurs. I like the dinosaurs that don't eat meat. The meat eating ones are mean."
"Eating meat, doesn't make them mean. You're a meat eater."
"I am?"
Mommy does not elaborate for fear of a hunger strike.

Composition -
After making a stack of stuffed animals that she doesn't want Zoe to knock down: "Let's have a game where we see who can look at the composition the longest without talking."
(This sounds suspiciously like one of Mommy's games.) Really? Composition? Maybe that school is worth it.

The Student Becomes the Teacher

"When we learned K, Miss Marilyn had a picture of an Orca, but I told her Orca doesn't start with K, and she said it was a Killer Whale, but I know it's an Orca and Killer Whale is the mean name for it."

Don't mess with my marine biologist, Lady.

Zoe Update

We went in to wake up Morgan and she points at Beluga and says "Boo Ga". It is possible that Morgan is brain washing her.

Things I've Said Lately

"Don't kiss each others butts. That's how people get sick"

"Please take the plastic bag off your head."

"Potter is not allowed to eat oven gloves."

Morgan and Zoe take baths together. Typically, I take this opportunity to clean the bathroom. It is disturbing how quickly our bathroom turns into a toothpaste encrusted bowl of hair.

So I had my back turned and I hear Morgan say "You just kissed my butt," which is actually not that strange when you know how much time my daughters spend with their faces in the bath water, despite my telling them that said bath water is only clean until they get in it.

"Kiss it again," she says. This is when I have to intervene.

* * *

Zoe puts things on her head.

If it has an opening, it goes on her head. Boxes, laundry baskets, leather purses, nylon duffel, canvas totes, and yes...plastic bags. We are the reason there is the big warning across them that says they are not a toy.

Her favorite is emptying the clear plastic carrying case for the Mega Blocks. It is big enough that it fits over her shoulders too, yet she has clear visibility to wobble around the living room in it.

* * *

Potter is a pretty typical St. Bernard in his old age. He spends the majority of his day in one of two positions. Curled up on the floor or sprawled out on the floor. He breaks the monotony by licking himself or chewing on his paws.

With a few memorable exceptions he refrains from chewing things that don't belong to him, so I was little surprised when I investigated a strange noise and found him gnawing on something in the front foyer.

Thinking it was a stuffed animal, I quickly went in for the rescue. But it was only an oven glove. The sturdy kind you use instead of pot holders, but not the rubber kind that would be impervious to geriatric dog teeth.

And more unfortunately for us, my rescue came after three of five fingers could no longer be found and I'm assuming are working through the irritable bowels of our dumb ass dog.

The Oreo Gene

Little known fact: your DNA strand holds the key to how you eat Oreos. This is just a theory, of course, but it came to me in such a flash of brilliance, it has to be true.

Morgan eats her Oreos by dunking them in milk, like her mom.
Zoe eats her Oreos by twisting them apart, like her dad.

Pretty sure we never taught them either of these methods.

Pretty sure they shouldn't be eating that many Oreos for me to find this out.

Also interesting, Zoe does not eat the side of the Oreo with no cream filling. She purposefully seeks out the dog to give it to him, but if he is hiding, she will settle for giving it to me.

In other health news...Morgan told me her heart felt bad today. She said it was eating her stomach and growing too small, like the grinch. Both mortified and amazed, I asked her why she felt this way. "I don't know, Mommy. It's just not a lucky day." I'm pretty sure this stems from Christmas being over, but I am on the lookout for PTSD due to Jaws 3 in 3-D.

On the flip side, I also caught her singing Black Eyed Peas..."I got a feeling...that tonight's gonna be a good night..." and then she stopped and told Zoe, "Take it from the top. That means, go back to the beginning."

Pinky Dinky Doo strikes again!

Matter of Debate

(Stolen premise from the television show Community starring my secret crush Joel McHale.)

Zoe: Mischievous Cherub or Devil's Spawn? Debate.

Point: Short, painless labor and delivery.
Counterpoint: Has not stopped moving and making noise ever since.
Disclaimer: I don't consider the act of moving and making noise evil. Only in mass and unrelenting quantities or during diaper changes.

Point: Tenderly cares for all baby dolls in what is no doubt a reflection of her own mother's gentle and patient nature.
Counterpoint: Has been known to throw objects ten times her own weight and knock the glasses off her gentle mother's face.

Point: Shows the dog more attention and affection than possibly any other member of the family, including the allowance of sloppy St. Bernard kisses before bed.
Counterpoint: Has been spotted being dragged across the floor behind him because she won't let go of his tail.
(Also tends to take his dog food and throw it in his water bowl, but it has yet to be determined if she is doing this to be annoying or she thinks she is helping him multi-task.)

Point: Will stop and dance to almost any genre of music with the exception of yodeling.
Counterpoint: Has also perfected the tantrum dance of clenched fists, stomping feet, and chin raised in defiant wailing which can last in excess of ten minutes (a lot longer than it sounds).

Point: Still likes to cuddle while having a bed time bottle (yes, I know she is too old for it)
Counterpoint: Refuses to eat while sitting in the high chair and prefers to walk around approaching other diners like a baby bird with her mouth wide open, hoping we will drop something in.

Conclusion: We'll keep her around. That which doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger.