Poor Man's Edition of Entertainment Weekly

Movies

First of all, did anyone else notice that John Cusack is playing the role of Edgar Allen Poe in the movie The Raven? Holy Excellent Casting, Batman! Finally, a casting director that doesn’t go for the obvious (Depp). The movie is not an adaptation of The Raven, but rather about a serial killer inspired by Poe’s work, which Poe himself is asked to help stop. Looks interesting. And I always choose Lloyd Dobbler.

“She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Second of all…Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer. Tagline…are you a patriot or are you a vampire? How great is it to see my favorite president kicking some vampire ass? Beyond words.

In the movie Looper, an older version of the character played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be played by Bruce Willis. Do I buy this? I don’t think so.

Why is there a Hunger Games 4 on IMDB? There were only three books. Please do not tell me they are going to split book 3 into two movies. BREAK THE CYCLE! If Lord of the Rings didn’t need to do it, NOBODY needs to do it!

On a related note, if you think I don’t have my ticket for the midnight viewing on Thursday, you don’t know me AT ALL!

Television

Scott mentioned that he heard reality TV has made being a hillbilly cool (or something like that, I was trying to listen to Paul Jr. reveal his latest bike). I don’t know what he’s talking about, but maybe I’ve been too busy lately with my “To Do List”

1. Check on illegal moonshine distillery in my parents woods.
2. Repo the pick up truck from the guy that owns the storage facility where I lost the bid on that locker auction.
3. Patent my newest duck caller.
4. Hunt down the douche that skipped bond on me.
5. Dig for gold in the Bering Sea.

This blog’s namesake is making a guest appearance on Once Upon a Time next Sunday. When Morgan and I had the Hatter sighting in the preview after this week's episode, we both gasped and looked at each other at the same time. Not sad, not sad at all. For fans of The Who...Roger Daltry is going to be the voice of the caterpillar. Also loved that two seconds later I got a text from Melissa. You are starting to know me too well.

Back up a week...Scott’s parents watched the girls the Sunday night we took Gramy to hear an orchestra. When they asked about bedtime, I said that they could stay up for Once Upon a Time, but then had to go to bed.

When we got home, I asked how bedtime went and was informed that everything went as intended. Then Papa Turtle said something along the lines of “that show’s a little weird” with some concern in his voice.

Upon watching the episode later that week, I realized the fairy tale they twisted up this time around was Little Red Riding Hood and (SPOILER ALERT) Red is the wolf! And she killed people. Including her boyfriend Peter. And there was a lot of blood. Hmmmm….questioning my parenting skills again. Probably should have recorded that one first to see if it was appropriate. Live and learn.

Books

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. If you like the Young Adult genre and paranormal activity, I highly recommend! It’s been a great read in a time when I really needed a great read. Everything has been so “blah” lately.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

It has been brought to my attention that I should be giving my final opinion on the conclusion of the Harry Potter Empire. I’m not sure how much my opinion really matters one way or another, but I guess maybe I could attempt to explain to you why I am in mourning for The Boy Who Lived.

MOVIE AND BOOK SPOILERS!

Background

Back in 2000…I happened to mention that I wondered what all this Harry Potter hype was about. I thought Mr. Potter was the author; his name was so prominently displayed on all the book jackets.

I received the first three books for my birthday, finished them within nano-seconds and promptly went and bought Goblet of Fire the day it was released. Then spent the next THREE years reading fan fiction to tide me over until The Order of the Phoenix was published. (My early days of Ernst & Young left me with a LOT of time on my hands.)

I reserved tickets for the opening day of The Sorcerer’s Stone. I had t-shirts. I was “sorted” into Ravenclaw. I stalked the Oberlin book store for a maroon and gold scarf. I drove to Border’s to get my pre-ordered Half-Blood Prince hours before leaving on vacation and I read Deathly Hallows by flashlight when our power went out. I named my dog Potter for Christsakes!

This might seem odd for a grown person to do. I can’t disagree with you.

Why I Love the Books

Would I classify the books as literary works of staggering genius?

Style – No. There is some cringe-worthy dialogue, a few over-used plot devices, and many more pages than necessary for the sake of the story (with the exception of the first three books).

Substance – Yes. There is no denying that she spawned a renewed interest in reading to a generation of kids that may have never seen the inside of a library otherwise. Her books are so rich with characters and her world is so vividly set in front of you, that you have to be dead inside to not want more of it. It’s not Charles Dickens, people. It’s fairy tale.

Is it original?

No – The hero myth has been used since the beginning of time in storytelling and she has one of the most faithful adaptations to it with the thankful exception that she refrained from killing off our hero.

Yes – The depth that she gave to each character keeps it from being just a hero myth. It’s about friendship and loyalty as much as it is about good versus evil as much as it is about choosing your own path. Harry Potter can be a “brave little toaster” (Chamber of Secrets), whiny little bitch (Order of the Phoenix), and a selfless savior (Deathly Hallows). He grows…and sometimes regresses…the whole way. Those heroes are few and far between.

What I like best…

…is what they opened me up to. As a child, I loved fantasy…Roald Dahl (of Willie Wonka fame, but James and the Giant Peach was the best), E. B. White (Charolette’s Web) and Robert O’Brian (The Rats of Nihm) were huge favorites. Guess what? As an adult…I still love them. And I had almost forgotten how much.

It made me go back and read things I missed as a kid…Baum’s Wonderful World of Oz and Lewis’s Narnia.

And it made me pick up new things I would have otherwise ignored…Pullman’s Dark Materials and Collin’s Hunger Games (both of which are stylistically written a thousand times better than HP).

Why I Love the Movies

I thought I would hate the movies. They couldn’t possibly come close the Hogwarts in my head. But they actually managed it brilliantly whether they planned on it or not. The supporting cast alone had us all drooling (Hello! ALAN F-ING RICKMAN!) despite the unknown nature of the three central characters.

Having Columbus direct the first two made the focus on the characters of Harry, Ron and Hermione. Their faithfulness to the book made you become comfortable with the actors. Being comfortable with the actors makes you a little more agreeable to artistic license with the material.

Cuaron got the “coming of age” story, which was right up his alley. Prisoner of Azkaban was my favorite book and my favorite movie, despite the fact that it was the first to start the traumatic separation of church and state (read: book and movie). If Columbus had made that movie it would have been too light (and too long), if Yates had done it – way too dark. And Gary F-ing Oldman!

Newell had the odds against him. Kloves and Rowling had to cut the Goblet of Fire screenplay drastically from the original manuscript. The effects had to be better. The mood had to be darker and take a serious turn away from a “kids” movie (up to PG-13). And this guy’s resume is all over the place. I know there’s controversy over this one, but I thought it was seemless. And I think the trick is to NOT re-read the book right before the movie. I took the movie for what it was and didn’t compare. End of story.

Which brings us to Yates and the last three books.

My second favorite movie was Order of the Phoenix - which is odd, because I was so annoyed by Harry in the book. But it finally left Hogwarts. So, visually, it was the most appealing to me. (Although, it also marked the moment I had to accept that Sirius was really and truly dead, so I had no hope of him returning in the yet-unpublished Hallows). This was Helena Bonham-Carter at her craziest and she rocked it.

The Half-Blood Prince was more about a love story to me, so this is the only film that left me wanting more. Everyone hop aboard the good ship Harry and Ginny. Who cares that the Death Eaters are on a rampage and the Ministry has taken over the school. Harry is finally in love with Ginny and all will be right with the world…That message did not get delivered.

I thought The Deathly Hallows was much too long of a book. Maybe Rowling had gotten Stephenie Meyer (Twilight) Syndrome. So when I heard Yates was cutting it into two movies, I sensed a little money-making scheme underway. But it was completely the right thing to do. As a non-fan reviewer put it…Part 1 got to be moody and full of despair, while Part 2 got to be all out Voldemort Ass-Kicking War. It would have been strange to mash those together.

Am I Done Yet?

If you’ve made it this far, you either:

A. Really like to read my blog
B. Really like Harry Potter
C. Have nothing better to do

So I will wrap it up.

Don’t underestimate the camaraderie to be formed while waiting to find out if Snape is good or evil. I had a completely bizarre and in-depth conversation with a Border’s employee while pre-ordering my Hallows.

I continue to be amazed when a seemingly non-suspect individual shows up with a Gryffindor mug. Harry Potter is for everybody. Unless you don’t like a good fairy tale. Then it’s not for you. So go back to your CNN and stop reading my blog.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I have nothing to blog about, so I thought I'd comment on some movies I was actually able to watch over the past weekend. None of them involved Strawberry Shortcake.

"So I got that going for me...which is nice." - Carl from Caddyshack

From Here to Eternity

I noticed this was on Turner Classic Movies, and I had never seen it before, so I figured I'd record it. I love old movies, and I'm familiar with the beach scene between Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr.

So familiar, in fact, that somebody was showing me pictures from Hawaii once and they had a picture of this beach. They mentioned that some famous movie was filmed there with Burt Reynolds, but they couldn't remember what the movie was called. I looked at the picture again, and said, "Do you mean Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity?" "Yeah, that's it.

This struck me as funny, because that's a far cry from The Bandit (which is the character I automatically picture when Burt Reynolds is mentioned) making out with some hot rod model in the sand. It also strikes me as sad that I knew a beach from a movie I had never seen. This is why my brain can't hold any more information.

Back to the movie...I didn't even finish it, it was so bad. Every single character over-reacted to every other character. You couldn't go two minutes of dialogue without someone misunderstanding somebody else. Annoying.

So I'm not sure if Deborah Kerr (the tramp) left her husband (the philanderer) to be with Burt Lancaster (the womanizer). And I don't know if Montgomery Clift (the whiner) was forced to box or Donna Reed (the hooker) gave up the business. I'm guessing someone was killed in Pearl Harbor. It was probably Frank Sinatra. But it doesn't even bother me that I don't know, that's how much I didn't like this movie.

Sidebar: "He said I was over-reacting and I said, why would I over react, nobody in my family over reacts!?" Annie in Father of the Bride

Sidebar 2: Despite how much a didn't like this movie, I loved the way everyone looked in it. Those were the days when movie stars were "movie stars" and not "celebrities."

Disclaimer: I read the review of this movie on IMDB.com and that person loved it for all the reasons I hated it.

Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland

Even Zoe enjoyed it when she sat still long enough to notice. Although the main part she screamed in laughter at was when the Bandersnatch was chasing everyone down, which is slightly concerning.

When it was in theaters, Morgan told me I would have to go by myself because it looked like a grown up movie. Which I agreed, but then didn't end up getting to see it. While there are some scary parts, it wasn't actually that bad. Nothing nightmarish. And she loved it.

This also means that I have yet to actually completely watch the movie, because Morgan kept giving me the running commentary and comparison to other versions of Alice throughout the whole thing. Afterall, she is my child.

"Why isn't her dress the same? How come this time she fell into the hole instead of going through the mirror? You know the other Alice has brown hair and that Hatter doesn't look so weird. Why is this Hatter wearing makeup? Why are those twins mean looking? This Cheshire cat is a different color. I like Alice and The White Queen, who do you like? Do you like the Hatter? Is he supposed to be nice. Is the Bandersnatch nice now?"

I did love it...despite my annoyance from the outset that they combined The Red Queen with The Queen of Hearts into one character even though The Red Queen is not really all that mean in the book.

I will also say this is one of the best mixes of CGI and real people I've seen in a while. The March Hare and Doormouse looked incredibly realistic next to The Hatter.

Heathers

I stumbled across this on IFC Saturday night and hadn't seen it in ages. It was a tough call between watching this and The Legend of Billie Jean on Showtime (also starring Christian Slater...what are the odds?).

Yes, I'll admit, not as deep as we made it out to be as teenagers, but still a classic. And so many quotes. "F___ me gently with a chain saw," being the most memorable. Sorry, Mom. I almost spit my pop out when Heather C. said it. I forgot that was even from this movie.

Other notables:

Veronica: "What's your damage, Heather?"

JD: Is your life perfect?
Veronica: No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends. It's like - they're the people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.
JD: Maybe it's time you take a vacation.

Heather C: I bring you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.
Veronica: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

Ahhh...children of the eighties. We were so cool.