Poor Man's Edition of Entertainment Weekly

Movies

First of all, did anyone else notice that John Cusack is playing the role of Edgar Allen Poe in the movie The Raven? Holy Excellent Casting, Batman! Finally, a casting director that doesn’t go for the obvious (Depp). The movie is not an adaptation of The Raven, but rather about a serial killer inspired by Poe’s work, which Poe himself is asked to help stop. Looks interesting. And I always choose Lloyd Dobbler.

“She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.”

Second of all…Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer. Tagline…are you a patriot or are you a vampire? How great is it to see my favorite president kicking some vampire ass? Beyond words.

In the movie Looper, an older version of the character played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be played by Bruce Willis. Do I buy this? I don’t think so.

Why is there a Hunger Games 4 on IMDB? There were only three books. Please do not tell me they are going to split book 3 into two movies. BREAK THE CYCLE! If Lord of the Rings didn’t need to do it, NOBODY needs to do it!

On a related note, if you think I don’t have my ticket for the midnight viewing on Thursday, you don’t know me AT ALL!

Television

Scott mentioned that he heard reality TV has made being a hillbilly cool (or something like that, I was trying to listen to Paul Jr. reveal his latest bike). I don’t know what he’s talking about, but maybe I’ve been too busy lately with my “To Do List”

1. Check on illegal moonshine distillery in my parents woods.
2. Repo the pick up truck from the guy that owns the storage facility where I lost the bid on that locker auction.
3. Patent my newest duck caller.
4. Hunt down the douche that skipped bond on me.
5. Dig for gold in the Bering Sea.

This blog’s namesake is making a guest appearance on Once Upon a Time next Sunday. When Morgan and I had the Hatter sighting in the preview after this week's episode, we both gasped and looked at each other at the same time. Not sad, not sad at all. For fans of The Who...Roger Daltry is going to be the voice of the caterpillar. Also loved that two seconds later I got a text from Melissa. You are starting to know me too well.

Back up a week...Scott’s parents watched the girls the Sunday night we took Gramy to hear an orchestra. When they asked about bedtime, I said that they could stay up for Once Upon a Time, but then had to go to bed.

When we got home, I asked how bedtime went and was informed that everything went as intended. Then Papa Turtle said something along the lines of “that show’s a little weird” with some concern in his voice.

Upon watching the episode later that week, I realized the fairy tale they twisted up this time around was Little Red Riding Hood and (SPOILER ALERT) Red is the wolf! And she killed people. Including her boyfriend Peter. And there was a lot of blood. Hmmmm….questioning my parenting skills again. Probably should have recorded that one first to see if it was appropriate. Live and learn.

Books

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. If you like the Young Adult genre and paranormal activity, I highly recommend! It’s been a great read in a time when I really needed a great read. Everything has been so “blah” lately.

Sibling Rivalry

I have an older and younger brother. Neither of them read my blog.

My older brother spent the majority of his adolescence teasing my younger brother mercilessly. Whether by gender or by my cloak of invisibility, I somehow escaped this rite of passage. In later years, I helped pile on the abuse, so I do feel a little guilty.

Honestly, he made it pretty easy. John didn't have one imaginary friend, he had an army. He sucked his finger for a long time. But probably his biggest disadvantage was how quickly he cracked - to tears as a toddler or to absolute rage as he got older - think Red Ross from Friends. (He should have stuck to tears, because rage just made Charlie laugh harder.)

Having daughters a similar age has brought me closer with the little pest, and I have come to appreciate what a great dad and uncle he is. But, as we've made our way into adulthood, I'm ashamed to admit that Charlie and I still gang up on him.

Shortly before the holidays, I started noticing how positive his facebook status updates were. I'm not down with that. I took to sarcastically commenting on his posts with mature responses like, "Isn't that just glitterific!" and "Zippadee Do Da!" This has not deterred him, which means I've had to take drastic measures.

Charlie is not on facebook, so I took a moment this weekend to bring him up to date on some of the rainbows and kittens that John's been pooping out lately. Subsequent to this, and unbeknownst (is that a word?) to John, I have been forwarding the more repugnant status updates to Charlie via e-mail.

Please note that the below status update is not his worst offense, but Charlie's response is why I am proud to call him my brother.

To: Charlie

From: Anna

Re: facebook status update

John - 2 hours ago (punctuation his)

What a day finished barbi's bed. Fixed my truck. Now e-check new tags for both trucks and need a new drivers license

To: Anna

From: Charlie

Re: Re: facebook status update

Why on earth would he need plates and a new driver’s license…is there a birthday coming up????

I hope all those who were not aware of the birthday can catch that subtle hint without getting lost in the intrigue of the story. It’s like the words were painted on the computer screen with careful brush strokes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN! Thanks for reminding us!

For those of you keeping up with our strange family gatherings. This Sunday the extended Kirschner family is getting together for one of our group birthday celebrations. This one is to celebrate anyone born between the months of January and June. Which means...happy birthday to me, too.

My Favorite Things (Sarcasm Implied)

1. The stairway between the 10th and 11th floor that we are only supposed to use in emergencies. (I'm not sure why all the stairways have that signage, because nobody pays attention to it.)

This particular stairway is my direct route to the cafeteria, which you would probably figure out when you saw the meatball that has been rotting there for the last two months.

Dear Meatball Dropper...Seriously? Pick that shit up.

Dear Facilities Managment...Seriously? In two months you haven't once cleaned the stairwell? What if there was an ACTUAL emergency and people ended up tripping over the hundreds of meatballs that people had dropped and not picked up?

2. The new partner on our year-end audit, that came up with new and interesting ways to torture me, while already going through the living hell known as enterprise risk management. This would be the single reason that I haven't blogged in over two weeks. Guess what you missed? You can blame him.

• The concussion I gave myself while attempting to lift my 140 pound dog's ass off the kitchen floor and subsequently slamming my head into the counter.
• Zoe waking me up at 3:30 in the morning to let me know there was "something in her bed" and that something was puke. Which was now on my hands.
• A beer tasting in downtown Cleveland from 2pm - 6pm. Quote upon entering: We should have bought an extra pass so we could have split another 25 tickets. Quote upon leaving: I have eight tickets left, how many do you have? (Or something like that, it was hard to tell with all the slurring and the need to concentrate on walking without falling over.)

Sidebar: Early Saturday morning, I ran into said partner in our local bakery. For once, I wasn't wearing pajamas. Although I did have my hair braided in pig tails, so I probably looked like a 12-year-old (or maybe a 38-year-old with pig tails). He looked MUCH worse.

3. My own insanity which led me to completely overhaul the upstairs playroom exactly one hour AFTER our PTA's spring resale. In my defense, Zoe asked me to find Bitty Baby's missing shoes, so I was actually attempting to be a good mom for a change.

I found one shoe about 15 minutes into demolition. Seven hours later, my final task was to dump out the bins of stuffed animals to find loot that made its way to the bottom. Low and behold a pink shoe. Guess what? Same goddamn shoe I found seven hours earlier. She WILL be the death of me.

(On a side note, the train table / Fisher Price Little People village has been turned into a craft table, so anyone interested in FP LP sets should contact me immediately! Barn, Castle, House, School and all the accouterments. These prices won't last forever! Everything must go!)

4. Zombie shows. For real. Who knew?

Queen of Mean

Sometimes when I get in the shower, it's fun to start counting to myself to see how long it will take for one of the girls to come ask me for something.

This morning's example...potentially 7.8 seconds in, but that's just rounding.

Morgan: Mom, Zoe and I bumped heads.
Zoe: And I bumped my forehead.
Me: Seeing as you are both standing here in this room talking to me, and neither of you is actually crying, I think you will live and this was a perfectly pointless conversation.

See, I can't even stand being interupted when I'm doing something I don't like (dishes, exercising, laundry). So interrupting something enjoyable probably causes the sarcasm gene to rear its ugly head pretty damn quick.

Sometimes when I'm home by myself I stand in the shower for 30 minutes, regardless of whether I need one. Silence is golden. (Until I start singing show tunes, that is.)

Here are some of the more common shower interuptions and my responses, ranging from mild to Evil Queen depending on how many times I have been asked the question that day.

"I'm thirsty."

• Do you see the sink and drinking cup behind you, or did it disappear?


• Stick your head in the shower and open your mouth.


• Go check Potter's water dish. (I would actually never use this one on Zoe, because there is a 75% chance she would take me up on it.)


• I guess you will just dehydrate then.

"Do you know where my _________ is?"

• Where did you leave it? (I think this one is actually kind of helpful.)


• No.


• Pretend I'm dead...what would you do?


• No, but when I find it, I'm going to throw it in the trash.

"Zoe/Morgan has done something mildly annoying, but I'm going to act like it is the end of the world and wish she had never been born."

• Go to your room. (That's it. Tattling is almost worse than interupting.)

Morgan's Thought On...

...Planned Parenthood

Me: Uncle John had some big news today. Zoe, do you want to tell Morgan?

Morgan: DID BUTTERSCOTCH HAVE BABIES??? (Capital letters is the only way I can convey the amount of excitement that was exhibited for potential Welsh Giant Rabbit babies, which would probably cause Papa SidLeo to have kittens of his own considering said rabbit is located on his property.)

Me: Noooo.

Zoe: Uncle John is going to marry Barbi.

Morgan: Oh. That’s nice. (Not quite so exciting though…notice the lack of capital letters. ) So she’ll be Whitney’s mom and Aunt Jeanna will be her step-mom.

Me: Umm, no. Aunt Jeanna stays Whitney’s mom. Barbi will be her step mom.

Morgan: Well that’s good for Whitney, because she is a nice and pretty step mom.

So there you go.

...The Buddy System

Me: Remember to never leave your group today while you are on your field trip.

Morgan: We will probably get a buddy.

Me: Yes, you probably will, but that means you AND your buddy should not leave your group.

Morgan: Then I better find a buddy that’s trustable.

I will pause for Will-Ferrell-as-George-Bush laughter.

...More Puppy Love

(After Morgan tells me she can’t sit with her one friend at lunch, because she has to sit with her class)

Me: So who do you usually sit with then?

Morgan: Adam

This…from the “shy” girl. In my day, I just tossed the chocolate milk that my mother gave me a quarter to buy on Aaron Mahilo’s lunch table and hoped that he grabbed it before any of his friends did. It was all very nonchalant. But I was in fifth grade then, much more mature.

Raider Nation

Most of my television viewing in these busy times is through my DVR. This being the case, I rarely watch a commercial these days. Which is a shame, because I’m actually a big fan of a well-thought-out ad campaign.

Back in the stone age, I had quite a fondness for Folger's though I never EVER drink coffee. I learned how to spell bologna from Oscar Meyer…I mean, who would have thought there was a “g” in there. And yes, I would like to be a Pepper, too.

I digress.

The Super Bowl is my chance to relive the glory days. If I don’t see a Budweiser Clydesdale commercial, I feel like a little bit of my soul is missing. And I don’t care what everyone else is saying…chimpanzees are still funny, damnit.

Yes, most of the commercials don’t live up to the hype and a few of them should probably ask for their money back…I’m sure Don Draper is rolling in his grave. But there are some gems out there and in all the hooplah of Super Bowl premieres, you might have missed my favorite one.

It was shown before even the National Anthem was played, but was not considered a Super Bowl commercial, because it actually premiered during the championship games a couple weeks back.

Reasons why it is my favorite commercial…

4. Minor celebrities embarrassing themselves. Enough said.

3. Football players singing. Again I will date myself when I say that I miss the days of the entire Chicago Bears or Oakland Raiders teams on a set of choir risers belting out some sweet lyrical genius.

2. Wind Beneath My Wings. If you are going to cover a song…go big. There is not a bigger “chick” song on the planet than “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

1. Jared Allen. #69 Defensive End for the Minnesota Vikings. Yes, I had to look that up. Disclaimer: I’m only pretty sure DE means Defensive End…I didn’t have time to perform due diligence. Watch to the very end and you will see why. It’s on par with a Sports Center commercial. NAILED IT!

NFL Commercial - Wind Beneath My Wings

Related, but completely switching gears…

H&M. That commercial reportedly cost 2 million pounds. I think that is like 5 million dollars, but again, my due diligence on this blog is for crap. I also don’t know if that includes what they paid for their actual Super Bowl spot, or if that was just production value. Go somewhere else for those facts.

Question:

This commercial was an advertisement for:

1. A $15 dollar pair of underwear.
2. A tattoo artist in slums of London
3. Soccer (or Football for my European readers)
4. Who the fuck cares…it’s David Beckham and he’s practically naked?

Puppy Love

Morgan: So my friend Nina told Adam that I sort of had a crush on him and now I am bummed.

Me: Why are you "bummed"? (When did she become a teenager from The Valley?)

Morgan: Because now I am too embarrassed to talk to him ever again.

Me: Well, I don't think you need to be embarrassed.

Morgan: Mom, I'm done with it.

60 seconds later...

Morgan: Do you know why I like Adam?

Me: Why?

Morgan: Because he is nice and funny and kind and loving and sharing. (Oh yeah, she's got it bad.)

Me: Well, he sounds very nice. I think it's okay for you to still like him.

Morgan: And do you know why else I like him? When I ask him a question he talks back to me. Not in a mean way. I just mean that he answers my question. I think that is nice. But now I don't think he will answer me anymore.

Dear Morgan,

Boys suck. The ones you like, like someone else. In elementary school, it is probably the girl that punches them. In junior high, I regret to inform you it is the girl with the biggest boobs. In high school, it's whoever is the most popular. I suggest you stick with punching them until you turn 18.

The ones you don't like will most likely sneak attack you when you are at your locker and ask you to every dance ever created by the girls that actually get asked by the boys they like. I hope you can let them down easy by remembering what it is like on the other side, but if you do...he will still probably ask you for every slow dance and you will have to hide in a bathroom stall the majority of the time. Hiding in the bathroom stall will most likely prevent you from being asked to dance by the boy you DO like.

Unfortunately, you don't have an older brother that might have kind friends that take pity on you. On the bright side, this will not lead you to have completely hopeless crushes on football players that call you "Chuck's little sister."

With deepest sympathy,

Your Mother

Voted Most Likely to Remain Awkward

AKA "To a smart and funny girl"

P.S. If by some chance you are the popular girl. Please use your powers for good instead of evil.