My Mixed Tape

Tomorrow (actually, almost today, I'm so late posting this) I am celebrating (?) 38 years. It is also my last day of work before my cruise vacation. I intend to have my iPod on all day. If I do not take my ear buds out when you approach me, rest assured it is because I do not want to talk to you.  (1) It is my birthday and I am at work and (2) it is the day before my vacation and I am at work.

To celebrate (?) my birthday, I have made a playlist that so far consists of 11 hours of music. I gave myself the rule that I could not put an artist on there more than twice.

Playlist includes...

Shout outs to Tina (I Will Follow Him* and The Summer of '69), D&G (Dream a Little Dream and Bitchin’ Camero*), Allison (Joking and Allison Road, naturally), my only college Spring Break (Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm and MaryJane’s Last Dance), Scott’s collage roommates (American Pie* – the song, not the movie - and Anna Begins), Phil (Stuck in a Moment – he will probably not understand that), my PTA moms (Nick Lachey’s solo album), MoZo (Daughter and Zoe Jane), and Scott (The Weight and Jessie’s Girl*).

There are about a million and one female singer/songwriters (Alanis Morrisette, Anna Nalick, Avril Lavigne, Brandi Carlile, Christina Perri, Cyndi Lauper, A Fine Frenzy, Imogen Heap, Indigo Girls, Jewel, Lily Allen, Liz Phair, Michelle Branch, No Doubt, Pat Benetar, Pink, Tori Amos, Vanessa Carlton.)
Three generations of boy bands – New Kids on the Block, NSYNC, and Jonas Brothers – and some additional random chick pop – Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Pink, Miley Cyrus, and Selena Gomez (it’s true, I’m pathetic).

Good ol’ Rock n’ Roll: The Allman Brothers, Bon Jovi (HELLO!), Bruce Hornsby, Foo Fighters, Green Day, Guns N’ Roses, Journey, Pearl Jam, Velvet Revolver, The Who.

Good ol’ emo/hipster/alternative entertainment – Avett Brothers, Awolnation, Ben Folds, Foster the People, Fun., Gotye, Jackie Greene, The Killers, Mumford & Sons, Of Monsters and Men, One Republic, Passion Pit, Snow Patrol, Young the Giant.

I love me a boy with a piano.



*Songs I Will Sing the Loudest

Additional Songs I Will Sing the Loudest
Blue Sky – Allman Brothers
Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
We Are Young – Fun.
Somebody Told Me – The Killers
Telephone – Lady Gaga
Just a Girl – No Doubt
7 – Prince

If anybody wants me to make them a mixed tape, just let me know.

Disclaimer: This is a shameless steal from Random Lunacy blog who stole it from The Pedestrian Writer’s blog, in which we list top celebrity crushes. There don’t appear to be any hard and fast rules around this, so being a person that likes to bucket things, I’m going to use that to my advantage.

It goes without saying that Joey McIntyre has and always will occupy my number one spot. I won’t belabor the point.

The Eye Candy Bucket – This is reserved for those whose sole purpose is to look good without their shirt on, preferably with disheveled hair. The leader in this category, of course, is Bradley Cooper. Honorable mentions to Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood), Kris Holden-Ried (Lost Girl and The Tudors), and Ryan Reynolds (anything but The Green Lantern).

The Avengers Bucket – If I could give a big sloppy kiss to the casting director for Marvel, I would.  I do have a soft spot for a superhero, originally fueled by Saturday mornings of Superfriends episodes and later re-ignited by Lois & Clark syndication.  In a VERY particular order: Robert Downey, Jr., Jeremy Renner, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth.  And I’m just going to randomly throw in this bucket Christian Bale for Batman and Hugh Jackman for Wolverine.



The Dead Poet Society / School Ties Effect Bucket – How can you resist a guy in a boarding school jacket and tie?  Of course, I have to disqualify main actors Brendan Frasier and Ethan Hawke for being just too f-ing weird now, but I still have love for Robert Sean Leonard, Josh Charles and the guy that play Nuwanda from DPS and Chris O’Donnell, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and the guy that played Rip Van Kelt (awesome name) from ST.



If I was forced to make a Sports bucket…I’d probably pick the Manning brothers, because they are hysterical.  Then I’d default to things other people don’t consider sports and pick Tony Hawk and Jonny Moseley for just being so frackin’ cool.



I don’t think I can do a Music bucket, because it depends on what I’m currently listening to.  I did have some mad love for Jon Bon Jovi that has never faded, though.



But mainly, my overall celebrity crushes fall into this last category…Cute But Nerdy Funny Guy Bucket.

Leading off this list is Paul Rudd. Since he took the Knightly roll in Clueless, he’s had a special place in my heart. Then his whole stint on Friends kind of clinched it. And now his involvement in Judd Apatow movies is just the icing on the cake. The remainder of the list would include, but is not limited to, Jason Bateman, Adam Brody (That’s right, The O.C., baby), Joel McHale, Andrew Lee Potts (Primeval, and the BEST Hatter ever) Jake Johnson (New Girl), and Ty Burrell (Yes, the DAD on Modern Family. Do you not understand how funny he is?)


To get back in his good graces after suffering through this, I should probably add that I do kind of have my own personal Iron Man.   So I am by no means complaining here. You're shmoopy.



De ja Vu

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…I’m packing up my shit and going home.

Perhaps you don’t remember last year’s Relay for Life fiasco when our first-time relay team was shocked and appalled that we were the only team that actually “relayed” the entire night. Blogged about here.

After such a disappointment, we were almost relieved that Bay didn’t get a committee together this year and we could move our team to neighboring River. (Almost…but we love our Bay friends and Friday night is much more convenient than Saturday.)

We were very excited to be part of a relay where they teams still stayed the entire night, and not surprised that these teams consisted mostly of high school students and their chaperones. Youthful exuberance is always an important factor in philanthropy.

So why is that, by midnight, four mothers of preschoolers (one of which is PREGNANT) were the only team continuously on the track again? Four of us. So basically we were walking every other hour in order to walk in pairs and not go crazy with delirium.

While every one of those high school kids hung out at their tents – most of them falling asleep around 4am. Shame on all of you.

I know ACS is just happy to get the money we raised. I get it. They can’t go around forcing people to walk all night. It just makes me sad.

Anyway…in case you’re wondering what we can talk about for that long, topics of conversation included, but were not limited to: sleeping, eating, and bowel movement habits (of our kids, of course); diet; exercise; cruising; attachment parenting; jam bands vs The Allman Brothers; elementary school teachers; DIBELS; meeting and marrying our spouses; and the ever popular WHY THE HELL ARE WE HERE?

On a bright and non-cynical note…most of the money we raised at our booth was due to Morgan walking around the track with our bags of pop corn and just outright asking people to buy it from her. She did this with absolutely no prompt from us whatsoever. People really are a sucker for cute kids.

She also insisted we give a few bags away to people that “looked like they were working hard.” The compassion in this girl knows no bounds.

Anyway…don’t look for us on the track next year, but if you haven’t signed up for Tour de Bay, please do. It also goes towards our team’s donation for the year. And if you all like it, we will make it our one and only annual fund raiser.

Zoe's Favorite Things - Age 4

Tomorrow morning, around 2AM, will be 4 years since we brought Zoe into this world.  As I wrote that it just occurred to me what they say about your child's sleeping habits being comparable to the time they were born.  She's definitely an early riser and often wakes up for a drink around 2AM....hmmm.

In the early years of this blog you may have thought her name was Devil's Spawn.  But to be fair, her sister was a very mellow baby, so we didn't have a lot to go on at the time. 

In an effort to actually do one of things from Pinterest that I said I was going to do, I asked Zoe to complete the following questionairre, which I will hopefully update every year. Yes, I know that's a laughable idea.

Here it is in her words.

Best Friend: Paige
Movie: Witch and the Wardrobe (Narnia)
TV Show: Austin and Ally (It's captivating, I tell you.  No arguements here.)
Toy:  Babies (shocker)
Book:  All the books
Color: Purple
Song: Kiss me on my shoulder song (Miles, by Christina Perri)
Food:  Chicken on the bone (that would be those pre-roasted jobbies you get from Heinen's)
Dessert: Candy and Cookies (another shocker)
Thing to do as a family: Play and walk and go to the playground
Thing about Morgan: Her American Girl Doll (yes, she covets)
Thing about Mommy: Playing babies with me
Thing about Daddy:  Nothing (I did question her on this one, because she is a Daddy's Girl and always picks him over me, but she said she couldn't think of anything.)
Things about Thea's (sitter):  Playing Polly Pockets

What do you want to be when you grow up?  Susan (Narnia) and have a home and have a baby and have some children.

America's Got Talent...Or Do They?

This is my first season catching the show, and it’s only because Scott has a man crush on Howard Stern. Question. What is the f-ing point? I honestly don’t know what the criteria are.

It looks like there are two buckets. Your mainstream talent (singing, dancing, comedian} and your circus freak side shows. So how does that work in a judging situation from a comparability point of view? I think I am missing something.

It’s interesting how this very same week a classmate posted a YouTube video on facebook from the high school talent show my junior year. That would be 1991. (Yes, my 20-year reunion is here this summer and don’t think that doesn’t scare the be-jesus out of me.)

For your consideration…a lip-synced dance routine to the ever popular YMCA. One word…brilliant. Just a brief disclaimer…I am in no way trying to belittle this video which was posted in memory of a classmate that passed from cancer a couple years later. Let me be clear…I love this video, and every person in it. This is me, setting aside my ever-present sarcasm for just a brief moment.




You can now return to my regularly scheduled attitude.


Do high schools still have Talent Shows like these? Where there was actually rarely true talent involved. Instead the popular kids got up and made asses out of themselves, but somehow became cooler in the process.

I don’t think in all my high school career a Talent Show went by where someone didn’t imitate a Saturday Night Live skit or lip sync while cross dressing. Last I checked, making an ass of yourself is not a talent. If it were in fact a talent, I’d be a millionaire by now.

So I want to know what kids do these days. Do they get up there with their emo-hipster grunge bands? Do they belt out a Broadway show tune a la Glee? Are there underground step crews lurking in the bowels of this village? Or will we see another generation of whatever-is-as-popular-as-Wayne’s-World-was-to-us imitations and the quarterback of the football team lip syncing Lady Gaga?

Please, God!  Let it be the latter.

My Old Kentucky Home in Ohio

Let the record show that the horses I picked – and publicly announced on facebook – came in 3rd, 4th, and 5th. Granted, we are not dealing with hand grenades here, so close doesn’t quite cut it. But I do take some satisfaction. Since Scott’s pick came in 2nd, he probably takes a little more than me.

There is one bet I got right, though. Scott thought my mom and dad would be the first to arrive, but I said Aunt Charlie. This should be no surprise to the Swigart contingent.

So here it is by the numbers:

1 L-shaped sofa and ottoman assembled on Thursday night.
1 taking apart of pieces that we put together wrong.
4 new throw pillows purchased on Friday, and damn do they look good with that new sofa.
234 times girls are told they are not allowed to eat on the new couch.

1 smoker, purchased on Friday
1 large-ass grill procured from my grandmother on Friday night when we realized the smoker wouldn’t hold all the chicken we needed to cook prior to smoking the pork shoulder.
2 hours to figure out on Saturday morning that we don’t know how to use a smoker.
1 roaster on standby that we threw the pork shoulder into.

13 mile run Saturday morning. Guess which one of us did that?

2 soccer games Saturday morning. Or make that 1 soccer game (and 1 goal) for Morgan and a bunch of running around and dancing on a soccer field for Zoe.

1 tent assembled on Saturday morning.
1 taking apart of pieces we put together wrong.
Are you sensing a pattern here with us?

3 trips to Heinen’s on Saturday. 1 for additional snacks and a chicken baster. 1 for mint. 1 for more limes.
1 trip to Minotti’s. 1 opinion not asked for given. (I mean, the guy was going to make mint juleps WITHOUT Maker’s Mark. What was wrong with him? He’s lucky I was there.)
8 or so limes freshly squeezed by Aunt Charlie for the margaritas. (It’s her fault she was the first one there.)
Unknown amount of margarita spilled all over the counter, because I didn’t make sure the spigot was closed before pouring the pitcher into the dispenser.
4 more limes freshly squeezed by Aunt Charlie.
Moral of this story, people will drink anything at our parties.

0 people I had to shame at the door with my sombreros. Thanks for the effort ladies. And now you all have hats to wear at the pool this summer. You’re welcome. I should have had a prize for Cousin Katie’s fascinator though. I want one.

1 bowtie given up on.

1 piñata
15 stick-wielding kids
3 toddlers getting in the way
2 dads
5789 whacks with a stick. Some of them actually hitting piñata.
That was one stubborn ass.
Unknown number of parents who would like the Norcross’s to stop feeding their kids junk food. Between the candy and the cheese puffs, none of them went hungry.

5 dads that dumped their wife and kids off and came back to watch a boxing match.

11:30 pm – Time I went to bed after finishing off a really good cheese ball someone brought.
3:00 am – Time Scott went to bed after cleaning up pretty much the entire party.

Congratulations to all the big winners…please note, if you win again next year, we will beat you with the piñata basher. Or maybe I will create another division for the three-legged races called Last Year’s Adults Winning over $40.

Scott and I would like to thank everyone for coming, bringing such wonderful food to share, and forgiving us for never being able to spend enough time to talking to any of you. Next year we will take donations to pay for a full wait staff and toddler shepherd.

Is It Too Much to Ask...

…that an “everything” bagel and veggie cream cheese be made available to me every morning? The number of times I had to choose between wheat and wheat this month is an outrage. Also, whatever it is that looks vaguely like cream cheese but has been worked up into a frenzy is NOT okay.

Selina: The level of incompetence in this office is STAG-GER-ING!
- Veep. (It’s not TV, it’s HBO. Watch it.)




…that “morning” people keep their witty banter to themselves in the elevator? No joke, a woman got on ahead of me this morning and gave a play-by-play of her elevator experience.

“Well, I guess I was in the right in place at the right time. We can all squeeze in here. Come on, don’t be a chicken (I’m not kidding, she was heckling people that didn’t get on the elevator with us, lucky bastards.) Oh, of course I’m the farthest in the back and I have to get off first. So now you all have to move. Everyone have a fabulous day!”

Now go back and re-read that in a voice slightly more annoying than a local morning show host and you still won’t come close to how much I wanted to punch her.

Peter: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
- Office Space



…that my kids not use my couch as their toy box? It’s bad enough that I have to bulldoze my way to a clear spot after they’ve gone to bed, but it’s ever so much more fun to find markers, Barbie shoes, books, Polly Pockets, beads, etc mixed in with Oreo and Dorito crumbs when I take the time to remove the cushions for a vacuum.

Plus, our couch is REALLY old. In fact, we are getting a new couch somewhere between Wednesday and Friday next week. I’m kind of looking forward to tearing off the underside fabric to see what has fallen through the cracks over the past ten years. That couch is like the Bermuda Triangle. A Bermuda Triangle with chocolate stains, rips in the upholstery, and missing a leg.



…that it NOT RAIN ON DERBY DAY? Seriously.