Just a Half a Cup, If You Don't Mind

Words Morgan Knows That Shocked the Hell Out of Me

Paleontologist -
"Steve is the Paleontologist on Dinosaur train. That means he knows all about dinosaurs. I like the dinosaurs that don't eat meat. The meat eating ones are mean."
"Eating meat, doesn't make them mean. You're a meat eater."
"I am?"
Mommy does not elaborate for fear of a hunger strike.

Composition -
After making a stack of stuffed animals that she doesn't want Zoe to knock down: "Let's have a game where we see who can look at the composition the longest without talking."
(This sounds suspiciously like one of Mommy's games.) Really? Composition? Maybe that school is worth it.

The Student Becomes the Teacher

"When we learned K, Miss Marilyn had a picture of an Orca, but I told her Orca doesn't start with K, and she said it was a Killer Whale, but I know it's an Orca and Killer Whale is the mean name for it."

Don't mess with my marine biologist, Lady.

Zoe Update

We went in to wake up Morgan and she points at Beluga and says "Boo Ga". It is possible that Morgan is brain washing her.

Journey to Kindergarten - Chapter 1

Point 1

Today I got to go to Cleveland City Hall. Because apparently you need to have a "certified" birth certificate (redundant?) to register your child for kindergarten, and apparently hospitals don't send those to you automatically when your kids are born, and apparently you have to pay for them.

City Hall is one of Cleveland's historic buildings in the classic Greek/Roman style with columns and marble and sandstone, etc. So the metal detector and plywood security "desk" fit right along with the architectural aesthetic. (Don't get me wrong. I'm pro-metal detectors. I certainly don't want to be gunned down while waiting to write my check to the "Vital Statistics" department.)

Worse than the metal detectors are the 246 pieces of paper taped to walls, ropes, windows, chairs and ceilings. All imploring the citizens to fill out an application at one table and then stand between the ropes until the next employee is available. The paper is in various colors to make it interesting, or perhaps to help those with color blindness. One can only guess the number of people that still walk up to the window without a completed application.

Other signage reminds us that they very conveniently take debit and charge cards, but neither of these can be Visa.

Box of Crayons - $2
Backpack - $15
First Day of School Outfit - $25
Having Valid Paperwork for Kindergarten Registration - Priceless

And for those of you that didn't know, there are only two "vital statistics". Your birth and your death. And you will most likely never stand in line for your own "certified" certificate of either of these things.

Point 2

Upon returning, I got to talking with a co-worker about all the paperwork involved in this process and we started reminiscing about our own school transportation history.

K - I have absolutely no idea how I got to school!
1-2 - Walker. Set off with other members of St. Paul Lutheran Church (Reinharts, Stiwalds, and Bolkens). In order to not have to wait in the "walker" line, that wasn't released until all the buses were gone, Lara and I would sneak out the breezeway as the class made their way to the front of the school. Sometimes having to crouch below windows until we could bolt across the playground in the hopes that we wouldn't be spotted.
3-6 - Have moved to "the country" and our bus driver was Mrs Bursley. As her name implies, she was the meanest old biddy you could possibly imagine. If we weren't at the very end of our quarter mile driveway, she flew past us. Even if you knew she saw you running as fast as you could across gravel wearing a back pack, flailing your arms and screaming for her to stop.
7-8 - I have absolutely no idea how I got to school!
9 - Older brother in the POS "Goose" to school. In the afternoon, because my brother was a jock and always had practice for something, I took the bus. For all of high school I had Mrs. Bonnette. Who if I didn't make special care to say hello to as I boarded, she forgot I was there, and I would end up running down the aisle, "Mrs. Boonnneetttee!" In contrast to Mrs. Bursley, Mrs Bonnette would slam on the brakes and back the bus up the state route to my driveway. She was awesome and had the best laugh.
10 - I had the choice of dad dropping me off super early on his way to work or ride the bus. I chose early, and hung out with Justin Solomon (science teacher's son) until the rest of the school got there and I could pretend I didn't know him. (Just kidding, he was okay.)
11-12 - Gerri got her Mustang convertible that actually had a running mustang airbrushed across the front hood. Classic! Gerri turned 16 in April, but waited until the summer to take Driver's Ed with me, cause she's awesome (Or maybe her parents just didn't let her until then, I don't know.) We were in the same car with Nina Nunez and she was a way worse driver than me, but the instructor only made me cry. I'm pretty sure Gerri's the only one that got her own car out of the deal, but I was allowed the pleasure of driving the used beige Tempo to school my senior year.

I think riding the bus will be hard on Morgan at first. She notices instantly if, say, I go a different way to school, because I'm so zoned out I miss the turn on Bradley. And she's been known to argue with the driver of a vehicle that does not take the path she is expecting. "You're going the wrong way!" I can picture her very plainly, yelling at the bus driver.

Kindergarten Information Night

Morgan will soon bless the public school system with her presence. To that end, we received a flyer stating that all parents should attend this Kindergarten Information Night, which should have been called Pick Up Your Information Packet Night, because really it was a 10 minute speech by the principal and then we were left to our own devices.

And said packet has more forms than it takes to incorporate your home business or adopt a third-world child.

There were little tables set up where you could ask specific questions. I had two, one of which I'm sure I could have looked up if I wasn't so lazy.

Question 1: If we live in zone A, this means she will be a PM student. If we live in between streets X&Y, she will be a "walker". But our daycare provider lives in zone C, which would make her an AM student and need to ride the bus. When Bus Delta and Walkers Charlie and Easy start out from Gamma Quadrant, what the hell do I do?

Answer: Fill out the form and they'll get back to you.

Question 2: What is the difference between a Daisy Scout and a Brownie?

Answer: Daisy Scouts are K and 1st grade. Brownie's are 2nd and 4th.

Learn something new every day. In my day, there were only Brownies and I went to one Brownie meeting. After finding out I would be forced to recite the pledge aloud, by myself, I decided the brown beanie and sash weren't as cute as previously suggested.

The rest of the time we got to spend walking around the Kindergarten rooms. Which, shockingly, pretty much look identical. And it's not like I could actually pick which room she would be in anyway.

Scott was busy checking off which parents were already ass-kissing the teachers to make sure Morgan doesn't make friends with their kids.

My best Kindergarten memories.

1. Anytime we got to watch a Letter People episode.

Come and meet the Letter People.
Come and meet the family.
Words are made with Letter People.
A, B, C, D...Follow me.

My favorites were Mr. Tall Teeth and Mr. Super Socks. I was annoyed that Miss Achoo sneezed all the time, so wasn't as cute. Really? Achoo? That's not even a word!

2. Show and Tell when I got to bring in my grandma's litter of puppies. Jake, Thelma Lou, and Mabel.

3. My mom and grandma came and did a puppet show for the class. At least I think they did. Maybe I'm making that up. I can't really remember what the puppet show was about. Or what the puppets look like. Weird. Brain...turning...to...mush.

Endless Source of Material

That's Morgan. Unfortunately, my brain is such a ball of mush, most of her anecdotes end up in the cosmic void. But every once in a while, if I have a scrap piece of paper to write a trigger word or two down, I can dig deep and share a moment of entertainment with you.

Here's a couple of those moments.

We were passing Papa's office in the car today, and amid the endless questioning of what exact day six months from now her next teeth cleaning will be, she states that fact that Thea (daycare provider) "goes to my dentist, too."

"That's right," I say. "That's why she takes care of you. Aren't we lucky? If she didn't go to see Papa, we wouldn't know who she was."

And here is the staggering genius part..."We would if she would just wear a dog collar." Everything is so blatantly obvious to a four-year-old. Of course that is how we would know who she is.

In unrelated news, later that evening she was playing with some dolls on the couch while I flipped through a catalog. I catch a few words that spark my interest and learn that her Disney princesses are deciding which one of them is going to die next.

"Hey, don't you think you could pretend that something nice is happening."

"I guess." She silently mulls this over for a while and then questions me, "Is hot lava something nice?"

"Ummm...maybe try again." Hot lava? Really? Maybe too many episodes of Thundar the Barbarian during dinner.

She's also having trouble coming to terms with the movie Twilight. But who can blame her? Everyone knows that vampires can't be out in the daytime unless they have a special ring. Like any good mom, I tell her the truth. There are different kinds of vampires, just like there are different kinds of people.

"Oh, like Uncle John."

Her night-shift uncle is her example of a vampire. When going to pick something up at the house during the day, I informed her she had to be quiet, because he was sleeping.

"Why is he sleeping in the daytime?"

"Because he is a vampire."

She took it well, and this fact has gone undisputed.

In case you're wondering where Zoe is in all of this, she is doing one of three things:
1. Hitting something
2. Screaming "MaMa!"
3. Trying to make her baby "poop!" on the potty.

Things We Should Have Figured Out By Now

I have a common gripe concerning our ability to launch rockets into space, make computer generated Transformers look real, and create "washable" markers, but we haven't found a way to make an affordable car that doesn't run on fossil fuel. I try not get into conspiracy theory, but come on...that just doesn't make sense.

Here are some other things of which I am baffled by our lack of progress.

Cheetos/Doritos that don't turn your finger's orange.

Re-sealable chip bags. Note to FritoLay: call Ziplock. Easy-peasy. This is, as they say in the consultant world, low hanging fruit.

A vehicle that tells you when you have left something on the roof, BEFORE you pull out of your driveway.

A vehicle that tells you when you have forgotten your laptop on the counter BEFORE you get to work.

Teleportation - GET ON THIS!

Self-cleaning bathtubs/showers. This should be easier than self-cleaning ovens.

A washing machine that detects when tights and items with Velcro get in the same cycle.

A dryer that matches socks.

A dishwasher that tells your significant other when they put something in the wrong spot.

Instruction manuals for children. In any language. I would be willing to hire a translator if it has to be in Chinese.

A Couple Moments with Morgan

"The Talk" a One Act Play

Morgan: Where was I before I was in your tummy?
Mommy: (choosing words carefully to avoid "the talk" for as long as possible) You weren't anywhere.
Morgan: So you and Daddy made me?
Mommy: (cautiously)...yeesss...
Morgan: How did you make me?
Mommy: (digging deep) From eggs?
Morgan: Ewww...okay...can I watch Scooby Doo?
Mommy: For the love of god, yes.

The End
(I am going to be so BAD at this)

* * *

It must be Valentine's Day. Scott allowed the television channel scroll to stop long enough on the Olympics to conceptualize that pairs figure skating was on. He even pointed it out to Morgan. What a nice dad. Morgan thought her shirt was beautiful and was very worried when I said that they were going to dance on the ice. She felt that was a little dangerous. Which only made it more impressive to her that the boy threw the girl in the air.

But what most impressed her?

"Aren't those outfits amazing? They have wedgies and it doesn't even bother them!"

Things I've Said Lately

"Don't kiss each others butts. That's how people get sick"

"Please take the plastic bag off your head."

"Potter is not allowed to eat oven gloves."

Morgan and Zoe take baths together. Typically, I take this opportunity to clean the bathroom. It is disturbing how quickly our bathroom turns into a toothpaste encrusted bowl of hair.

So I had my back turned and I hear Morgan say "You just kissed my butt," which is actually not that strange when you know how much time my daughters spend with their faces in the bath water, despite my telling them that said bath water is only clean until they get in it.

"Kiss it again," she says. This is when I have to intervene.

* * *

Zoe puts things on her head.

If it has an opening, it goes on her head. Boxes, laundry baskets, leather purses, nylon duffel, canvas totes, and yes...plastic bags. We are the reason there is the big warning across them that says they are not a toy.

Her favorite is emptying the clear plastic carrying case for the Mega Blocks. It is big enough that it fits over her shoulders too, yet she has clear visibility to wobble around the living room in it.

* * *

Potter is a pretty typical St. Bernard in his old age. He spends the majority of his day in one of two positions. Curled up on the floor or sprawled out on the floor. He breaks the monotony by licking himself or chewing on his paws.

With a few memorable exceptions he refrains from chewing things that don't belong to him, so I was little surprised when I investigated a strange noise and found him gnawing on something in the front foyer.

Thinking it was a stuffed animal, I quickly went in for the rescue. But it was only an oven glove. The sturdy kind you use instead of pot holders, but not the rubber kind that would be impervious to geriatric dog teeth.

And more unfortunately for us, my rescue came after three of five fingers could no longer be found and I'm assuming are working through the irritable bowels of our dumb ass dog.