You Peaked in High School: Reunion Edition

Listen, I’m not purposely avoiding my twenty year reunion. I had intentions of going. Then I made other plans. (Although technically still a reunion of sorts.) End of story.

The appeal of reunions is that they are one-stop shopping. You can get all your “catching up” done in one swoop. It’s almost like speed dating. This should be right up my lazy-ass alley – 50 conversations for the price of one night. On the other hand, that’s a lot of talking in one sitting for an anti-social cynic.

And here’s the other kicker…I have already friended most of you on facebook. I don’t have to catch up. I’m an open book. But just in case you are reading this and REALLY wishing you knew what I’d been up to all these years, here’s what I’m going to do for you…

My 1992 Senior Year Book “Where I Want To Be In 10 Years” submission was something along the lines of living in Washington, D.C. on Embassy Row. Maybe something about a Golden Retriever and 2.5 kids. Unfortunately, my senior year book is where all things go to die – my attic. I don’t go in my attic unless it is a life or death situation. So unless the person holding you at gun point really needs to know…I’m going to leave it at that.

Well, I did graduate Miami University with a Diplomacy and Foreign Affairs degree. But most of my diplomatic skills go towards keeping my co-workers from taking practical jokes a little too far and making sure I only slightly embarrass my family members in my blog. Oh, I have also managed to refrain from calling my nemesis a Dirty Trash Can Full of Poop to her face.

Relationship Status: Married almost 15 years to Scott, an attorney (anyone need a lawyer?) who, due to his constant triathlon training, makes me look even MORE lazy than what you may have assumed from the above. And yes, we are a Miami Merger but I have yet to get a god damn Valentine’s Day card from that place. What does a person have to do? Donate a building?

Dependents: 7-year-old Morgan loves beluga whales and making me look stupid. 4-year-old Zoe can walk in high heels better than me and tries my patience. 10-year-old St. Bernard with erratic bowel movements and no eyesight. A cat that adopted us a little over a year ago and sticks around despite the fact that I try to feed him dog food whenever I run out of cat food.

Location: Western Cleveland suburb known for its great schools and snobbish lakeside residents who send their kids to different schools. Family Circle’s #1 best town for families. Possibly paid for by snobbish lakeside residents who don’t let their kids go to school with my kids. All I know is I have a nice view and a pretty amazing circle of friends who feed me copious amounts of beer and wine and wonder why I spend so much time on facebook.

Current Occupation (official): Vice President, Financial Risk Governance Manager
Current Occupation (in actuality): Force people to do all the things they don’t want to do because it takes time away from doing the things they were hired to do in the first place but if they don’t do these things we will be in a big pile of shit waiting to hit the proverbial fan. It’s also very much like being a kindergarten teacher with really big kids.

Hobbies: If this isn’t your first time reading my blog you can probably guess the answer just based on past topics. Too much television; divulging families eccentricities; books written about post-apocalyptic worlds featuring impossible love triangles; making fun of my little brother; super hero movies; ranting about my “fence” neighbors; the usual.

So there you have it, whether you wanted it or not.

Though I didn’t have a particularly rough high school career compared to some, there really isn’t much I actually miss. If someone told me I could go back and relive it, I would probably rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly. However, there’s still a bit of nostalgia in that general feeling of youth that only comes when you are freezing your ass off at a Friday night football game or begging Coach Dodd to let you watch a movie in History class.

So this is what I’m writing in our 20th reunion yearbook to the Class of ’92. It was great getting to know you. I wish I had known some of you better (others not so much). You were sweet/smart/funny/cute/insert your own superlative here. Don’t forget all those kick ass times we spent (fill in the blank). Stay cool and “kiss my class”.