Bleeding Ears

We’ve been grabbing different Kidz Bop CDs from the library the past few weeks, and I’m continually amazed by a few things.

1. It’s a lot easier to figure out the lyrics of the real song, when you hear the Kidz Bop version.

And that is coming from someone who thought there was such a thing as being “blinded by the light and wrapped up like a douche”. If you don’t know what song I’m referring to, you are too young to be reading this blog.

2. What words and phrases Kidz Bop finds unacceptable.

Lady Gaga’s Telephone:
I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, see.

Kidz Bop:
I cannot text you when I am going to dancing.

Is that even proper grammar? Is dancing a place now? (I wish it was a dangling participle, because I could tear that shit apart.) Nowhere does it mention alcohol. Just a drink. Could be Kool-Aid. Could be a White Russian. Who knows. My kids sure don’t.

And they are usually such a stickler for grammar, replacing every “ain’t” with “isn’t”, but in Gaga’s case they let all the double negatives in the bridge slide.

The redeeming part of this song is that I finally know what she’s saying just before the bridge. “Cause I’m out in the club and I’m sippin’ that bubb.” Which they of course changed to “eatin’ that grub.” I’m not quite as insulted by this since I never knew what she was saying anyway, but it’s a pointless variation. Ginger ale is bubbly, is it not? Maybe my seven-year-old is drinking ginger ale at the club. Ever think of that, Kidz Bop?

Train’s Hey, Soul Sister:
My heart’s about to beat
Right out my untrimmed chest

Kidz Bop:
My heart’s about to beat
Right out my pounding chest

Take away the fact that the original lyric is kind of unappealing and makes me picture gorillas, it’s not like these kids would be lying. I’m fairly certain none of them are trimming anything on their chests.

3. Should they even be covering songs where it is necessary to change the lyrics?

Most of their song choices are actually fine, but really, Nicki Minaj’s Starships should be left off anything having to do with children. I don’t care how many words you change.

I find her entire existence offensive. And it should be illegal for a person of her caliber to make more money than carnies. In fact, maybe we should instate a MAXIMUM wage for people whose job seems to be centered on the fact that they are imbeciles.

I’ll stop there, because I think I could write a whole other post on why I believe Nicki Minaj is the anti-Christ.

Songs I Wish Kidz Bop Would Cover

Bitchin’ Camero (Dead Milkmen)
White Rabbit (Jefferson Airplane)
Welcome to the Jungle (Guns N Roses)
Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)
Cherry Pie (Warrant)
Birdhouse In Your Soul (They Might Be Giants) – that one is for real