Apropos of Nothing

I caught the opening credits of the 1978 Superman yesterday and was transported back in time.  I haven't seen that movie in at least two decades, but prior to that I probably saw it upwards of 20 times.

We must have rented the VHS tape from Campus Video a lot.  Plus, it was often played as a Sunday Night Movie back in the day when we would get "Network Television Premiere!"s of classics like Star Wars, Rocky, and Smokey and the Bandit.

Yes, I didn't have cable growing up, but there has also been a point in MY lifetime where cable didn't exist.  Just four channels.  On a clear day (or when we could get dad to go up and hold the antennae) we could get six!

Sidebar:  I'm sure my brothers recall fondly the antennae relay game the same as I do.  One person if front of the television.  One person on the second floor landing.  One person in the attic turning the antennae after a big storm went through. Repeating each phrase like a bucket brigade.

"KEEP GOING!  STOP!  BACK THE OTHER WAY!  STOP!  OKAY, 5 IS GOOD!  NO, 8 LOOKS LIKE SNOW!  KEEP GOING!  KEEP GOING!"

Only advantage of having just four channels, this game didn't take quite as long as it could have.

Back to my original random thought.

First of all.  I absolutely do NOT remember this movie opening on the black and white comic book with the little kid reading about the Daily Planet.  Did they add this in recently?

Second of all.  I kind of miss the massive overture theme song while the opening credits roll.  Nothing wrong with a little delayed gratification.  Why wouldn't I want to watch some stellar graphics shoot through outer space, letting me know who I'm going to see in this saga?  Plus, it's extremely helpful to have the screen writer's name in neon script with no other distractions.

And lastly.  This movie is apparently starring MARLON BRANDO and Gene Hackman. 

I get that Christopher Reeves was unknown, but he was the title role and his name came AFTER the title.  Huh?

Now, I'm sure pre-tub-of-lard Brando negotiated top billing for his minuscule screen time.  This equates to Alan Rickman asking to put his name before Danielle Radcliffe's in Harry Potter.  Unheard of.  What a jackass!  And just goes to show that chivalry was dying even back then.

I remember a story from when Gregory Peck (For you kiddos, that's the guy that played Atticus Finch in the To Kill a Mockingbird movie you were forced to watch in English class.) filmed Roman Holiday in 1953, a lovely little romantic comedy. 

He was a big name by then.  A "Movie Star" before there was such a thing as just a "celebrity". 

When they were done filming, he insisted that the unknown ingenue that played opposite him absolutely had to get top billing with him, which the studio had never intended.  But the studio listened.  Their names were side by side, prior to the title.  I'm sure Audrey Hepburn appreciated it.  (Yes, little ones, she became very famous, too.)

I want more Gregory Peck!

Apropos of nothing = Without reference to anything. Without any apparent reason or purpose.

Someone Come Put Me Out of My Misery

You know that bridal shop bathroom scene in Bridesmaids? That was our house last night. Except for the shitting in the sink. And no one actually threw up on someone else head. But otherwise it was exactly like that.


Let’s back up a bit.

On Friday we were supposed to go to dinner with friends and the girls were going to spend the night with my brother. Half way there, John calls to inform me that his daughter has pink eye. Being slightly averse to having a houseful of pink eye, we redirected the kids to Scott’s parents.

While we’re at dinner, a friend texts me to see if Morgan can spend the night at their house. Perfect. Make up for the earlier disappointment.

I go to get Morgan in the morning and Ashley tells me she’s been having tummy troubles and isn’t feeling all that great. I assume it’s a combination of staying up to 2 in the morning and eating snacks before bed.

She’s exhausted and ends up taking a four hour nap in the afternoon before she actually starts to feel better.

Sunday morning, Scott heads off to a triathlon. He calls me on his way home to inform me he was in a pretty big bike wreck and may have broken his big toe. Apparently, he was coming into transition with his feet already out of the clips when he hit a bump and went flying.  (He saved the bike though.)

They tested him for a concussion, but he wanted to keep going all Steve Prefontaine-like, so he ended up coming in 10th place as opposed to 2nd. Bloody shoe and all.

In the evening we went to my family’s big “July 4th” picnic (on the 8th, I know). I completely stuffed myself and was happy to be on my way home so I could lay on the couch.

We turned off the AC and started to enjoy the breeze and Scott decided he was just in too much pain from his foot and his stomach was upset, so he was going to bed. I had to admit, my stomach was not doing me any favors either.

Next thing I know, I hear an ungodly sound coming from the upstairs bathroom – like some heaving moose or walrus or something. Since last I checked we don’t own a moose or a walrus, I had to assume it was Scott. It was also then that I realized I had to use the bathroom…NOW.

So for the next half hour we rotate from bathroom to bed while also noticing the AC fan is still on, despite us turning the system off and it’s actually making the house hotter. Or we could have both had the cold sweats. It’s unclear. We even go so far as to turn the AC breaker off, but apparently the fan is on a different one.

Fuck it. (Yes, I'm dropping f-bombs by this point!)  We turn the AC back on and close the windows. This takes about another half hour as we need to take frequent bathroom breaks.

My body feels like it has been punched every where. My legs are cramped up, probably from massive dehydration, and even my eye lids are having their own little pain circus around my eyeballs.

And that’s when we hear the pitter patter of little feet and Zoe spilling a bucket of water in the hallway. Except it’s not water, it’s puke and it’s coming from her mouth. The joy continues. Unlike when Scott pukes and I have to cover my head with a pillow so I don’t get sick myself, all Zoe’s puking invokes is complete sympathy.

This now rules out food poisoning, because all Zoe ate at the picnic was a hot dog and Doritos. So apparently, Morgan was much sicker than she ever let on and now I feel incredibly guilty that I made her get up and go to Costco with us, because it would be “good for her.” I am a horrible mother.

So Scott goes to cuddle up with a bed full of stuffed animals and Zoe crawls into bed with me and they continue to attempt to throw up their stomach linings and I continue to have my intestines pulled out through my a-hole.

Despite every attempt to sleep last night and today, it still hasn’t happened. You know when you are so exhausted that you start wishing you could somehow induce your own coma…that’s how I feel today.

The moral of this story…

When the universe offers you pink eye, you take it. You take it and say thank you.

Red Flags

I feel like I’ve been holding back on some of the “Kids Say the Darndest Things” moments we’ve had recently, but honestly…my memory has been for shit lately. They say something and I think “I have to blog that.” And then five minutes later it’s gone.

Just like those Jimmy Dean Pancake & Sausage on a stick microwave breakfasts that I should have NEVER tasted.

Morgan: I’m lucky to have you as my mom.
Mom: Well, that’s a very kind thing to say. I’m lucky that I have such a kind daughter.
Morgan: Well, sometimes I’m not very nice at Thea’s to Zoe.
Mom: I think it’s hard for sisters to be nice to each other all the time.
Morgan: Especially little sisters and big sisters. Do you think big sisters are mean to little brothers?

Red Flag: My kid is becoming a suck up.

Zoe: I had a dream last night that I went looking and found a monster with a green face.
Mommy: Was it a mean monster?
Zoe: Yes, he had fire in his hands and he blew Barbie’s head off. But then it was okay because I just went to the basement with Megan.
Mommy: Who’s Megan?
Zoe: Big Megan.
Mommy: Ben and Gabe’s Megan?
Zoe: Yes.

I actually didn’t confirm whether she was talking about one of her Barbie dolls or if she meant my soon-to-be Sister In Law Barbi. I’m going with the doll.

Red Flag: My kids are still calling my step nieces by this inaccurate modifier. How many times do I have to tell them their last name is Jones?

Morgan: I can’t wait until I’m done with college.
Parents: Why exactly?
Morgan: Well, there are two reasons. One is that it means I won’t ever have to go to school again. And two, it means I can start my home job.
Mom: What’s a home job?
Morgan: If I just make art, I can do that from my house and never have to leave it.

Red Flag: If she doesn’t become a Marine Biologist, there go my reduced-priced tickets to Sea World.

Zoe has invented a game called “I Love You Much More Than…” and we take turns coming up with silly things to end that sentence. No kidding, she made that shit up all by herself. Items include: toothbrushes, shoelaces, fans, Potter slobber, flip flops, shower curtains….you get the point.

Red Flag: How long before she changes the game to “I Hate You Much More Than…”

Answers to Life's Burning Questions

OR Norcross Vacation 2012 - Part 2

How long can a four-year-old last on a cruise day without a nap?

Day 1 – During the Ice Show around 5:30

Day 2 - Moments before the eyes glaze over and close on ride back to the boat around 3:00

Day 3 - At dinner around 6:15

Day 4 - NOT PICTURED - At viewing of Madagascar 3 in 3D around 2:30

Day 5 - On the floor after showering around 5:00

Day 6 - On the deck chair after morning swim around noon.

If a 160 pound man falls from the sky, does he make a splash?

Yes, I realize I exude movie making ineptness and I'm woooo-ing in a very annoying fashion.


On a scale of 1-5 (5 being the best), this is what Zoe rated her dad’s belly flop. He did not win.

How many times can kids eat chicken fingers for dinner without getting tired of them?


Five for Morgan, before she decided to try for the first time…SALMON?
All seven nights for Zoe.

No chicken fingers are being consumed in this picture, but it is funny.

Who is the best Madagascar character?

Skipper: Hey, quadruped. Sprechen zie English?
Marty: I sprechen.
Skipper: What continent is this?
Marty: Manhattan.
Skipper: Hoover DAM! We haven’t even left New York!

Who is the second best Madagascar character?

King Julian: What is a bite on the buttocks between friends?

How many cupcakes does it take to make a cheeseburger and fries?

Three. Plus a little thing I like to call “pure artistic talent”.

Who got suckered into adopting a seven-year-old every night for dinner?

THESE GUYS!

Can a 120 (okay 140) pound weakling use her fetus arms to pull herself onto a floating water slide off the coast of Haiti?

No photo evidence available.

Donde esta el bano?

OR Norcross Vacation 2012– Part 1

A note about the title. I was trying to think of how to say “Where are you from?” but my college German overrode my high school Spanish. And while I tried several times to transport my brain to Mr. Volzer’s (Aye Carramba!) first period classroom, I did not attempt to Google it.
All I could come up with was “Donde esta el bano?” which I learned from watching 80’s sitcoms.

Specifically, an episode of Who’s the Boss? where Tony is trying to teach the family useful phrases en route to some resort in Mexico. Obviously, Angela scoffs at this. She is a high-powered female business executive with no need for conversational Spanish. Until you see their airport taxi pulling into the resort and Angela jumping from the car and running to the first person she sees.

“Donde….esta…….?”

“EL BANO, Angela, EL BANO!” Tony is just so damn helpful.

In related news, thanks to Dora, my kids said “Gracias” to the café worker in Mexico. See, Dad, television is NOT why the Japanese are ahead of us.

I have a point.

It’s not about Spanish.

Several times on the cruise we were asked where we were from. Of these times, at least 50% of the questions come from people who were obviously not from the US. (Including the cutest older Australian couple, who loved our kids.)

However, my standard, non-thinking response was always “Ohio”. This makes me cringe and the reasons are twofold.

First off, ever notice in TV shows when the main characters run into out-of-towners that seem just a little off – maybe they are stuck in the 80s, or maybe they are naïve, or maybe they lack basic vocabulary skills – they always end up saying they are from Ohio. Why all the hate for Ohio? What about Idaho? Or Iowa? What about KANSAS!? I know there are some hick people out there.

More importantly, perhaps, why should I expect someone from a different country to know Ohio? I don’t even know all the provinces in CANADA for god’s sake, and there’s not that many of them.

Don’t ask me to tell you what all the countries in Eastern Europe and Africa are. I could probably guess the majority of South America. Brazil’s the big one, right? (Hmmm, maybe television IS the reason the Japanese are ahead of us.)

The point being, after I say it, I feel like a complete douche bag Ugly American. What do mean you don’t know where Ohio is? Don’t you watch Glee or reruns of The Drew Carey Show?

Not that any of them admitted to not knowing where Ohio was, by the way. I should probably give them credit for having moderately superior geography skills than me. I mean, they are the ones speaking two languages without relying on Who’s the Boss? trivia.

Speaking of being lost…did I mention we lost our kids on the cruise? I guess if you are going to give your kids a practical survival scenario for getting lost, a cruise ship is the place to do it.  They can’t get far, kidnapping is out of the question, and the clientele that can afford the cruise are less likely to be homicidal maniacs (or maybe more likely, not sure).

Anyway…we were up on Deck 16. Nana and Papa had already headed back to the room and everyone else was gathering their things. Morgan told us she had to go down to 15 for her flip flops.

I keep gathering our things and look up to notice Zoe is no longer standing next to us. I look down and see Morgan picking up her flip flops, but no Zoe. Okay…walk quickly towards the doors that lead to the elevator lobby and reach them just as she pops back out.

Fortunately, Uncle J had come out of the restroom right as she was walking by and asked her where she was going. She informed him that she was following Morgan, but he didn’t see Morgan anywhere, so brought Zoe back with him. Phew.

Look back over the edge again. No Morgan. Jesus Christ!

Honestly, my first thought was that she went back to the room. From Day 1, they had figured out what floor our room was on, which door it was, and how to use their Sea Pass to get in. Unfortunately, her Sea Pass was still in my beach bag, so I wasn’t sure what she would do once she got there and no one let her in.

Scott headed back to the room, while the rest of us did random sweeps around the two decks. What felt like an hour later, Scott shows back up with Morgan in tow. She had gone to the room and was working her way back down the hall when he found her.

Yeah, new rule. Sea Pass on, unless you are IN the pool.

And speaking of worst case scenario…a man missing his leg goes by while we are lounging one morning.

Zoe: Why is his leg missing?
Nana: Maybe he had an accident or was sick.
Zoe: No, I think he was in a shark tank and it got bit off.

To be continued….

My Mixed Tape

Tomorrow (actually, almost today, I'm so late posting this) I am celebrating (?) 38 years. It is also my last day of work before my cruise vacation. I intend to have my iPod on all day. If I do not take my ear buds out when you approach me, rest assured it is because I do not want to talk to you.  (1) It is my birthday and I am at work and (2) it is the day before my vacation and I am at work.

To celebrate (?) my birthday, I have made a playlist that so far consists of 11 hours of music. I gave myself the rule that I could not put an artist on there more than twice.

Playlist includes...

Shout outs to Tina (I Will Follow Him* and The Summer of '69), D&G (Dream a Little Dream and Bitchin’ Camero*), Allison (Joking and Allison Road, naturally), my only college Spring Break (Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm and MaryJane’s Last Dance), Scott’s collage roommates (American Pie* – the song, not the movie - and Anna Begins), Phil (Stuck in a Moment – he will probably not understand that), my PTA moms (Nick Lachey’s solo album), MoZo (Daughter and Zoe Jane), and Scott (The Weight and Jessie’s Girl*).

There are about a million and one female singer/songwriters (Alanis Morrisette, Anna Nalick, Avril Lavigne, Brandi Carlile, Christina Perri, Cyndi Lauper, A Fine Frenzy, Imogen Heap, Indigo Girls, Jewel, Lily Allen, Liz Phair, Michelle Branch, No Doubt, Pat Benetar, Pink, Tori Amos, Vanessa Carlton.)
Three generations of boy bands – New Kids on the Block, NSYNC, and Jonas Brothers – and some additional random chick pop – Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Pink, Miley Cyrus, and Selena Gomez (it’s true, I’m pathetic).

Good ol’ Rock n’ Roll: The Allman Brothers, Bon Jovi (HELLO!), Bruce Hornsby, Foo Fighters, Green Day, Guns N’ Roses, Journey, Pearl Jam, Velvet Revolver, The Who.

Good ol’ emo/hipster/alternative entertainment – Avett Brothers, Awolnation, Ben Folds, Foster the People, Fun., Gotye, Jackie Greene, The Killers, Mumford & Sons, Of Monsters and Men, One Republic, Passion Pit, Snow Patrol, Young the Giant.

I love me a boy with a piano.



*Songs I Will Sing the Loudest

Additional Songs I Will Sing the Loudest
Blue Sky – Allman Brothers
Sin Wagon – Dixie Chicks
Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
We Are Young – Fun.
Somebody Told Me – The Killers
Telephone – Lady Gaga
Just a Girl – No Doubt
7 – Prince

If anybody wants me to make them a mixed tape, just let me know.

Disclaimer: This is a shameless steal from Random Lunacy blog who stole it from The Pedestrian Writer’s blog, in which we list top celebrity crushes. There don’t appear to be any hard and fast rules around this, so being a person that likes to bucket things, I’m going to use that to my advantage.

It goes without saying that Joey McIntyre has and always will occupy my number one spot. I won’t belabor the point.

The Eye Candy Bucket – This is reserved for those whose sole purpose is to look good without their shirt on, preferably with disheveled hair. The leader in this category, of course, is Bradley Cooper. Honorable mentions to Alexander Skarsgard (True Blood), Kris Holden-Ried (Lost Girl and The Tudors), and Ryan Reynolds (anything but The Green Lantern).

The Avengers Bucket – If I could give a big sloppy kiss to the casting director for Marvel, I would.  I do have a soft spot for a superhero, originally fueled by Saturday mornings of Superfriends episodes and later re-ignited by Lois & Clark syndication.  In a VERY particular order: Robert Downey, Jr., Jeremy Renner, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth.  And I’m just going to randomly throw in this bucket Christian Bale for Batman and Hugh Jackman for Wolverine.



The Dead Poet Society / School Ties Effect Bucket – How can you resist a guy in a boarding school jacket and tie?  Of course, I have to disqualify main actors Brendan Frasier and Ethan Hawke for being just too f-ing weird now, but I still have love for Robert Sean Leonard, Josh Charles and the guy that play Nuwanda from DPS and Chris O’Donnell, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and the guy that played Rip Van Kelt (awesome name) from ST.



If I was forced to make a Sports bucket…I’d probably pick the Manning brothers, because they are hysterical.  Then I’d default to things other people don’t consider sports and pick Tony Hawk and Jonny Moseley for just being so frackin’ cool.



I don’t think I can do a Music bucket, because it depends on what I’m currently listening to.  I did have some mad love for Jon Bon Jovi that has never faded, though.



But mainly, my overall celebrity crushes fall into this last category…Cute But Nerdy Funny Guy Bucket.

Leading off this list is Paul Rudd. Since he took the Knightly roll in Clueless, he’s had a special place in my heart. Then his whole stint on Friends kind of clinched it. And now his involvement in Judd Apatow movies is just the icing on the cake. The remainder of the list would include, but is not limited to, Jason Bateman, Adam Brody (That’s right, The O.C., baby), Joel McHale, Andrew Lee Potts (Primeval, and the BEST Hatter ever) Jake Johnson (New Girl), and Ty Burrell (Yes, the DAD on Modern Family. Do you not understand how funny he is?)


To get back in his good graces after suffering through this, I should probably add that I do kind of have my own personal Iron Man.   So I am by no means complaining here. You're shmoopy.