The Quick and the Dead

THERE WILL BE MANY SPOILERS. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING.


Movie I got sucked into this week for no apparent reason: The Quick and the Dead
Released: 1995
Starring: Gene Hackman (Herod), Sharon Stone (The Lady), Russell Crowe (Cort), and Leonardo DiCaprio (Kid)
Synopsis (from IMDB): Lady avenger returns to western town owned by a ruthless gunslinger hosting an elimination tournament.
My Rating: 3 Stars

Rating Scale:

5 An All-Time Favorite
4 Excellent Movie (not one I would watch over and over)
3 Entertaining (has some redeeming quality that sucks me in)
2 Hope I Never Have to See Again
1 Two Hours of My Life I Will Never Get Back (but will probably watch again)

This is Russell Crowe’s first movie in the states. Nobody knew him. L.A. Confidential (4 Stars) won’t come out for two more years. When it does people will think, “Where the hell did this guy come from?” He came from The Quick and the Dead, people. I don’t know how you didn’t see it coming. His hair alone could catapult him to fame.

The “lady avenger” is played by Ms. Sharon Stone who completely rocks these awesome leather chaps almost the entire movie. I mean if I looked this good in my chaps…yeah, I would probably need five or six more inches of leg. Her character should be kick ass, and she does have her moments, but definitely the weakest link in this movie.

Leo is soooo young. Like Crowe, he is two years away from his Titanic (3 Stars) role, but it’s practically the same character. All cocky and smart-ass.

Gene Hackman. Is it really possible that the last movie this guy did was in 2004? Apparently, he announced his retirement from acting in 2008. Who knew? He has 99 movies to his credit on IMDB. The only three characters I ever liked: Jim McGinty (The Replacements – 3 Stars), Coach Norman Dale (Hoosiers – 5 Stars), and Reverend Scott (The Poseidon Adventure – 5 Stars). Note: He was also very good playing characters I hated.

Obviously, the lady rides into town wanting some sort of revenge on Herod, who is a ruthless sonofabitch that everyone cowers before. It’s definitely personal.

Why People Didn’t Like This Movie

Implausible Plot 1. Why would a man who already has complete control of a town, decide to throw AND PARTICIPATE IN a gunslinger tournament? Allegedly, this is all to force Cort (who has become a preacher) to kill people again, like back in the good ol’ days when they were buds. I don’t get it.

Implausible Plot 2. The lady can’t bring herself to just shoot Herod during one of her millions of chances, but she can participate in a tournament where she will be forced to shoot/kill at least three other people she doesn’t even know before having the chance to face off with him in an unfair gunfight.

Implausible Plot 3. The Lady sleeps with the Kid.

Implausible Plot 4. The Lady doesn’t sleep with Cort. Did she not notice his hair?

Crowe is trying unsuccessfully to hide his New Zealand accent in some sort of old west boarding school accent. He would probably have gotten away with it if the writing wasn’t completely and utterly horrendous, causing you to cringe every 30 seconds or so.

Why I Liked This Movie

Despite the implausible plots (including those not mentioned), bad accents, and atrocious writing; I really do like this movie. And it all comes down to the last 10-15 minutes.

We have already found out that not only is Herod responsible for the death of the lady’s father, the former Marshall of the town, but he had given her the chance to save him. The ten-year-old Ellen was given a pistol and told if she could shoot the rope that had her dad strung up, he could live. Ellen ends up shoot her dad in the head. So, yeah, she had issues.

But now she is allegedly dead – killed by Cort in the semi-final round. And Cort’s been pretty much beaten to a pulp by Herod’s henchman, which displeases Herod to no end, leading to my first favorite scene.

Herod tells Ratsy he has 15 seconds to get out of there and Ratsy runs off like a scared rabbit, while Herod continues to calmly taunt Cort and seems to forget about the chicken shit. Then out no where he yells “Times up, Ratsy!” grabs a rifle from another henchman, fires a shot to bring down the man more than 100 yards away and tosses the rifle back. All in about 1.5 seconds. Perfectly choreographed.

So then as Herod and Cort are about to draw there are all sorts of explosions and what not, because of course the lady faked her death with some ink from a blind kid and a little white lie from the town’s doctor, an old family friend. Of course.

Then the second best scene is Cort’s little killing spree of the remaining henchmen, proving that he most definitely still has some skill. It’s like kung fu moves, with old revolvers and rifles.

Then you’ve got the lady’s big reveal to Herod and her calling him out.

Herod: “You’re not fast enough for me.”
Lady: “Today I am”

Then Herod looks down and sees the hole in his shadow, which is impossible because the sun is practically overhead so he wouldn’t even have a shadow, but it’s all good. And she blows him away again, just in case he thought he wasn’t dead. Then she picks up the Marshall badge she had flung at him and tosses it back to Cort, whose razor sharp reflexes nab it.

“The law’s come back to town.” And she leaves. She LEAVES! Without smooching Cort! Or asking him where he gets his hair done!

And yet, I will watch again. What is wrong with me?

Middle-Class-People Problems

Can we all just agree that the world changes and we change with it? And sometimes change is good and sometimes change tastes like a big horse turd?

When my generation starting having kids, all we heard from the old farts was “back in my day” we didn’t have Boppies, Bumbos and Travel Systems. Yeah...sucks to be you.

And then our kids started growing up and all we keep wondering is why they aren’t playing outside till dinner time, living in fear of their “father coming home” and finding joy in sinking someone’s battleship.

I’m a middle of the road kind of parent with a “what doesn’t kill you will teach you not to put your finger in the electric socket” attitude. But that doesn’t mean I don’t constantly feel like I’m being judged. And I freely admit, that people might not give a shit about what I do, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. I blame Mark Zuckerberg.

So here it is. My philosophy. I’m just going to lay it out there if only so you can judge me with a little more authority on the subject.

I dig juice boxes. Considering my childhood beverage of choice was Kool-Aid (and not that sugar-free piss – real Kool-Aid), I figure juice boxes at least offer some modicum of nutritional value along with the sugar. I’m also not opposed to desserts at lunch AND dinner as long as they ate something healthy at both of those meals.

My kids don’t wash their hands every ten seconds. Yes, I’ve tried my best to instill the “after the toilet” hygiene. And I’m not opposed to washing hands before you sit down for a meal. But if you want to play in a dirt pile, pick up barn cats, and then go steal fish out of Uncle Mike’s bucket before having a Popsicle. Meh. Whatever. Guess what? My kids have had no major illness of record.

I’m the first to admit safety was a little lax back there in the 70s and 80s. Car seats, shmar seats. The back of a pick up was a sweet ride. And helmets only existed if you were trying to do some Evil Knievel stunt off your neighbor’s roof. (Trying to be Mary Poppins off the front porch did not require head protection.)

So yeah, the child mortality rate has benefited. My kids sit in boosters still and put on helmets if the bike is leaving the driveway. Some of this also has to do with protecting my kids from the larger amount of ass hats on the road these days rather than my or their own stupidity.

But don’t be deceived that the safety didn’t come without a cost. Kids have a lot more anxiety these days than we did. How could they not? They can’t leave the house without a lecture on Stranger Danger or the deathtrap attributes of a trampoline.

When we were kids, we were invincible. We walked out of our houses and let the screen door slam behind us without ever once thinking we might not make it home again. There is a fine line these days between cautioning your kids and scaring the bejesus out of them.

That little thing called television. My kids watch it. A lot. Probably too much. But even though television wasn’t my go to entertainment as a child, I can guarantee when I did sit down to watch something it was in no way, shape or form educational. Unless you count learning “Mom always says, don’t play ball in the house.”

So my 4-year-old knows how to say “thank you” in Spanish and my 7-year-old has been on countdown to Shark Week. As long as they aren’t drawing pictures for therapists to represent all of the ways I neglect them, I’m still in the win column.

And yes, mark me down for JEALOUS of all the moms that have gotten their kids to like vegetables more than cookies, spend time in their preschooler’s classroom, and have more than 30 minutes a weekday to play “make believe”. I’ve sacrificed. I’m aware.

But you know what my kids are pretty great at?
Being polite.
Making up bedtime stories.
Waiting their turn.
Helping each other.
Giving hugs and Eskimo kisses.
Being kind to stray animals.
Saying “I love you.”

All that, and without being breastfed.

Apropos of Nothing

I caught the opening credits of the 1978 Superman yesterday and was transported back in time.  I haven't seen that movie in at least two decades, but prior to that I probably saw it upwards of 20 times.

We must have rented the VHS tape from Campus Video a lot.  Plus, it was often played as a Sunday Night Movie back in the day when we would get "Network Television Premiere!"s of classics like Star Wars, Rocky, and Smokey and the Bandit.

Yes, I didn't have cable growing up, but there has also been a point in MY lifetime where cable didn't exist.  Just four channels.  On a clear day (or when we could get dad to go up and hold the antennae) we could get six!

Sidebar:  I'm sure my brothers recall fondly the antennae relay game the same as I do.  One person if front of the television.  One person on the second floor landing.  One person in the attic turning the antennae after a big storm went through. Repeating each phrase like a bucket brigade.

"KEEP GOING!  STOP!  BACK THE OTHER WAY!  STOP!  OKAY, 5 IS GOOD!  NO, 8 LOOKS LIKE SNOW!  KEEP GOING!  KEEP GOING!"

Only advantage of having just four channels, this game didn't take quite as long as it could have.

Back to my original random thought.

First of all.  I absolutely do NOT remember this movie opening on the black and white comic book with the little kid reading about the Daily Planet.  Did they add this in recently?

Second of all.  I kind of miss the massive overture theme song while the opening credits roll.  Nothing wrong with a little delayed gratification.  Why wouldn't I want to watch some stellar graphics shoot through outer space, letting me know who I'm going to see in this saga?  Plus, it's extremely helpful to have the screen writer's name in neon script with no other distractions.

And lastly.  This movie is apparently starring MARLON BRANDO and Gene Hackman. 

I get that Christopher Reeves was unknown, but he was the title role and his name came AFTER the title.  Huh?

Now, I'm sure pre-tub-of-lard Brando negotiated top billing for his minuscule screen time.  This equates to Alan Rickman asking to put his name before Danielle Radcliffe's in Harry Potter.  Unheard of.  What a jackass!  And just goes to show that chivalry was dying even back then.

I remember a story from when Gregory Peck (For you kiddos, that's the guy that played Atticus Finch in the To Kill a Mockingbird movie you were forced to watch in English class.) filmed Roman Holiday in 1953, a lovely little romantic comedy. 

He was a big name by then.  A "Movie Star" before there was such a thing as just a "celebrity". 

When they were done filming, he insisted that the unknown ingenue that played opposite him absolutely had to get top billing with him, which the studio had never intended.  But the studio listened.  Their names were side by side, prior to the title.  I'm sure Audrey Hepburn appreciated it.  (Yes, little ones, she became very famous, too.)

I want more Gregory Peck!

Apropos of nothing = Without reference to anything. Without any apparent reason or purpose.

Someone Come Put Me Out of My Misery

You know that bridal shop bathroom scene in Bridesmaids? That was our house last night. Except for the shitting in the sink. And no one actually threw up on someone else head. But otherwise it was exactly like that.


Let’s back up a bit.

On Friday we were supposed to go to dinner with friends and the girls were going to spend the night with my brother. Half way there, John calls to inform me that his daughter has pink eye. Being slightly averse to having a houseful of pink eye, we redirected the kids to Scott’s parents.

While we’re at dinner, a friend texts me to see if Morgan can spend the night at their house. Perfect. Make up for the earlier disappointment.

I go to get Morgan in the morning and Ashley tells me she’s been having tummy troubles and isn’t feeling all that great. I assume it’s a combination of staying up to 2 in the morning and eating snacks before bed.

She’s exhausted and ends up taking a four hour nap in the afternoon before she actually starts to feel better.

Sunday morning, Scott heads off to a triathlon. He calls me on his way home to inform me he was in a pretty big bike wreck and may have broken his big toe. Apparently, he was coming into transition with his feet already out of the clips when he hit a bump and went flying.  (He saved the bike though.)

They tested him for a concussion, but he wanted to keep going all Steve Prefontaine-like, so he ended up coming in 10th place as opposed to 2nd. Bloody shoe and all.

In the evening we went to my family’s big “July 4th” picnic (on the 8th, I know). I completely stuffed myself and was happy to be on my way home so I could lay on the couch.

We turned off the AC and started to enjoy the breeze and Scott decided he was just in too much pain from his foot and his stomach was upset, so he was going to bed. I had to admit, my stomach was not doing me any favors either.

Next thing I know, I hear an ungodly sound coming from the upstairs bathroom – like some heaving moose or walrus or something. Since last I checked we don’t own a moose or a walrus, I had to assume it was Scott. It was also then that I realized I had to use the bathroom…NOW.

So for the next half hour we rotate from bathroom to bed while also noticing the AC fan is still on, despite us turning the system off and it’s actually making the house hotter. Or we could have both had the cold sweats. It’s unclear. We even go so far as to turn the AC breaker off, but apparently the fan is on a different one.

Fuck it. (Yes, I'm dropping f-bombs by this point!)  We turn the AC back on and close the windows. This takes about another half hour as we need to take frequent bathroom breaks.

My body feels like it has been punched every where. My legs are cramped up, probably from massive dehydration, and even my eye lids are having their own little pain circus around my eyeballs.

And that’s when we hear the pitter patter of little feet and Zoe spilling a bucket of water in the hallway. Except it’s not water, it’s puke and it’s coming from her mouth. The joy continues. Unlike when Scott pukes and I have to cover my head with a pillow so I don’t get sick myself, all Zoe’s puking invokes is complete sympathy.

This now rules out food poisoning, because all Zoe ate at the picnic was a hot dog and Doritos. So apparently, Morgan was much sicker than she ever let on and now I feel incredibly guilty that I made her get up and go to Costco with us, because it would be “good for her.” I am a horrible mother.

So Scott goes to cuddle up with a bed full of stuffed animals and Zoe crawls into bed with me and they continue to attempt to throw up their stomach linings and I continue to have my intestines pulled out through my a-hole.

Despite every attempt to sleep last night and today, it still hasn’t happened. You know when you are so exhausted that you start wishing you could somehow induce your own coma…that’s how I feel today.

The moral of this story…

When the universe offers you pink eye, you take it. You take it and say thank you.

Red Flags

I feel like I’ve been holding back on some of the “Kids Say the Darndest Things” moments we’ve had recently, but honestly…my memory has been for shit lately. They say something and I think “I have to blog that.” And then five minutes later it’s gone.

Just like those Jimmy Dean Pancake & Sausage on a stick microwave breakfasts that I should have NEVER tasted.

Morgan: I’m lucky to have you as my mom.
Mom: Well, that’s a very kind thing to say. I’m lucky that I have such a kind daughter.
Morgan: Well, sometimes I’m not very nice at Thea’s to Zoe.
Mom: I think it’s hard for sisters to be nice to each other all the time.
Morgan: Especially little sisters and big sisters. Do you think big sisters are mean to little brothers?

Red Flag: My kid is becoming a suck up.

Zoe: I had a dream last night that I went looking and found a monster with a green face.
Mommy: Was it a mean monster?
Zoe: Yes, he had fire in his hands and he blew Barbie’s head off. But then it was okay because I just went to the basement with Megan.
Mommy: Who’s Megan?
Zoe: Big Megan.
Mommy: Ben and Gabe’s Megan?
Zoe: Yes.

I actually didn’t confirm whether she was talking about one of her Barbie dolls or if she meant my soon-to-be Sister In Law Barbi. I’m going with the doll.

Red Flag: My kids are still calling my step nieces by this inaccurate modifier. How many times do I have to tell them their last name is Jones?

Morgan: I can’t wait until I’m done with college.
Parents: Why exactly?
Morgan: Well, there are two reasons. One is that it means I won’t ever have to go to school again. And two, it means I can start my home job.
Mom: What’s a home job?
Morgan: If I just make art, I can do that from my house and never have to leave it.

Red Flag: If she doesn’t become a Marine Biologist, there go my reduced-priced tickets to Sea World.

Zoe has invented a game called “I Love You Much More Than…” and we take turns coming up with silly things to end that sentence. No kidding, she made that shit up all by herself. Items include: toothbrushes, shoelaces, fans, Potter slobber, flip flops, shower curtains….you get the point.

Red Flag: How long before she changes the game to “I Hate You Much More Than…”

Answers to Life's Burning Questions

OR Norcross Vacation 2012 - Part 2

How long can a four-year-old last on a cruise day without a nap?

Day 1 – During the Ice Show around 5:30

Day 2 - Moments before the eyes glaze over and close on ride back to the boat around 3:00

Day 3 - At dinner around 6:15

Day 4 - NOT PICTURED - At viewing of Madagascar 3 in 3D around 2:30

Day 5 - On the floor after showering around 5:00

Day 6 - On the deck chair after morning swim around noon.

If a 160 pound man falls from the sky, does he make a splash?

Yes, I realize I exude movie making ineptness and I'm woooo-ing in a very annoying fashion.


On a scale of 1-5 (5 being the best), this is what Zoe rated her dad’s belly flop. He did not win.

How many times can kids eat chicken fingers for dinner without getting tired of them?


Five for Morgan, before she decided to try for the first time…SALMON?
All seven nights for Zoe.

No chicken fingers are being consumed in this picture, but it is funny.

Who is the best Madagascar character?

Skipper: Hey, quadruped. Sprechen zie English?
Marty: I sprechen.
Skipper: What continent is this?
Marty: Manhattan.
Skipper: Hoover DAM! We haven’t even left New York!

Who is the second best Madagascar character?

King Julian: What is a bite on the buttocks between friends?

How many cupcakes does it take to make a cheeseburger and fries?

Three. Plus a little thing I like to call “pure artistic talent”.

Who got suckered into adopting a seven-year-old every night for dinner?

THESE GUYS!

Can a 120 (okay 140) pound weakling use her fetus arms to pull herself onto a floating water slide off the coast of Haiti?

No photo evidence available.

Donde esta el bano?

OR Norcross Vacation 2012– Part 1

A note about the title. I was trying to think of how to say “Where are you from?” but my college German overrode my high school Spanish. And while I tried several times to transport my brain to Mr. Volzer’s (Aye Carramba!) first period classroom, I did not attempt to Google it.
All I could come up with was “Donde esta el bano?” which I learned from watching 80’s sitcoms.

Specifically, an episode of Who’s the Boss? where Tony is trying to teach the family useful phrases en route to some resort in Mexico. Obviously, Angela scoffs at this. She is a high-powered female business executive with no need for conversational Spanish. Until you see their airport taxi pulling into the resort and Angela jumping from the car and running to the first person she sees.

“Donde….esta…….?”

“EL BANO, Angela, EL BANO!” Tony is just so damn helpful.

In related news, thanks to Dora, my kids said “Gracias” to the café worker in Mexico. See, Dad, television is NOT why the Japanese are ahead of us.

I have a point.

It’s not about Spanish.

Several times on the cruise we were asked where we were from. Of these times, at least 50% of the questions come from people who were obviously not from the US. (Including the cutest older Australian couple, who loved our kids.)

However, my standard, non-thinking response was always “Ohio”. This makes me cringe and the reasons are twofold.

First off, ever notice in TV shows when the main characters run into out-of-towners that seem just a little off – maybe they are stuck in the 80s, or maybe they are naïve, or maybe they lack basic vocabulary skills – they always end up saying they are from Ohio. Why all the hate for Ohio? What about Idaho? Or Iowa? What about KANSAS!? I know there are some hick people out there.

More importantly, perhaps, why should I expect someone from a different country to know Ohio? I don’t even know all the provinces in CANADA for god’s sake, and there’s not that many of them.

Don’t ask me to tell you what all the countries in Eastern Europe and Africa are. I could probably guess the majority of South America. Brazil’s the big one, right? (Hmmm, maybe television IS the reason the Japanese are ahead of us.)

The point being, after I say it, I feel like a complete douche bag Ugly American. What do mean you don’t know where Ohio is? Don’t you watch Glee or reruns of The Drew Carey Show?

Not that any of them admitted to not knowing where Ohio was, by the way. I should probably give them credit for having moderately superior geography skills than me. I mean, they are the ones speaking two languages without relying on Who’s the Boss? trivia.

Speaking of being lost…did I mention we lost our kids on the cruise? I guess if you are going to give your kids a practical survival scenario for getting lost, a cruise ship is the place to do it.  They can’t get far, kidnapping is out of the question, and the clientele that can afford the cruise are less likely to be homicidal maniacs (or maybe more likely, not sure).

Anyway…we were up on Deck 16. Nana and Papa had already headed back to the room and everyone else was gathering their things. Morgan told us she had to go down to 15 for her flip flops.

I keep gathering our things and look up to notice Zoe is no longer standing next to us. I look down and see Morgan picking up her flip flops, but no Zoe. Okay…walk quickly towards the doors that lead to the elevator lobby and reach them just as she pops back out.

Fortunately, Uncle J had come out of the restroom right as she was walking by and asked her where she was going. She informed him that she was following Morgan, but he didn’t see Morgan anywhere, so brought Zoe back with him. Phew.

Look back over the edge again. No Morgan. Jesus Christ!

Honestly, my first thought was that she went back to the room. From Day 1, they had figured out what floor our room was on, which door it was, and how to use their Sea Pass to get in. Unfortunately, her Sea Pass was still in my beach bag, so I wasn’t sure what she would do once she got there and no one let her in.

Scott headed back to the room, while the rest of us did random sweeps around the two decks. What felt like an hour later, Scott shows back up with Morgan in tow. She had gone to the room and was working her way back down the hall when he found her.

Yeah, new rule. Sea Pass on, unless you are IN the pool.

And speaking of worst case scenario…a man missing his leg goes by while we are lounging one morning.

Zoe: Why is his leg missing?
Nana: Maybe he had an accident or was sick.
Zoe: No, I think he was in a shark tank and it got bit off.

To be continued….