Queen of Mean

Sometimes when I get in the shower, it's fun to start counting to myself to see how long it will take for one of the girls to come ask me for something.

This morning's example...potentially 7.8 seconds in, but that's just rounding.

Morgan: Mom, Zoe and I bumped heads.
Zoe: And I bumped my forehead.
Me: Seeing as you are both standing here in this room talking to me, and neither of you is actually crying, I think you will live and this was a perfectly pointless conversation.

See, I can't even stand being interupted when I'm doing something I don't like (dishes, exercising, laundry). So interrupting something enjoyable probably causes the sarcasm gene to rear its ugly head pretty damn quick.

Sometimes when I'm home by myself I stand in the shower for 30 minutes, regardless of whether I need one. Silence is golden. (Until I start singing show tunes, that is.)

Here are some of the more common shower interuptions and my responses, ranging from mild to Evil Queen depending on how many times I have been asked the question that day.

"I'm thirsty."

• Do you see the sink and drinking cup behind you, or did it disappear?


• Stick your head in the shower and open your mouth.


• Go check Potter's water dish. (I would actually never use this one on Zoe, because there is a 75% chance she would take me up on it.)


• I guess you will just dehydrate then.

"Do you know where my _________ is?"

• Where did you leave it? (I think this one is actually kind of helpful.)


• No.


• Pretend I'm dead...what would you do?


• No, but when I find it, I'm going to throw it in the trash.

"Zoe/Morgan has done something mildly annoying, but I'm going to act like it is the end of the world and wish she had never been born."

• Go to your room. (That's it. Tattling is almost worse than interupting.)

Morgan's Thought On...

...Planned Parenthood

Me: Uncle John had some big news today. Zoe, do you want to tell Morgan?

Morgan: DID BUTTERSCOTCH HAVE BABIES??? (Capital letters is the only way I can convey the amount of excitement that was exhibited for potential Welsh Giant Rabbit babies, which would probably cause Papa SidLeo to have kittens of his own considering said rabbit is located on his property.)

Me: Noooo.

Zoe: Uncle John is going to marry Barbi.

Morgan: Oh. That’s nice. (Not quite so exciting though…notice the lack of capital letters. ) So she’ll be Whitney’s mom and Aunt Jeanna will be her step-mom.

Me: Umm, no. Aunt Jeanna stays Whitney’s mom. Barbi will be her step mom.

Morgan: Well that’s good for Whitney, because she is a nice and pretty step mom.

So there you go.

...The Buddy System

Me: Remember to never leave your group today while you are on your field trip.

Morgan: We will probably get a buddy.

Me: Yes, you probably will, but that means you AND your buddy should not leave your group.

Morgan: Then I better find a buddy that’s trustable.

I will pause for Will-Ferrell-as-George-Bush laughter.

...More Puppy Love

(After Morgan tells me she can’t sit with her one friend at lunch, because she has to sit with her class)

Me: So who do you usually sit with then?

Morgan: Adam

This…from the “shy” girl. In my day, I just tossed the chocolate milk that my mother gave me a quarter to buy on Aaron Mahilo’s lunch table and hoped that he grabbed it before any of his friends did. It was all very nonchalant. But I was in fifth grade then, much more mature.

Raider Nation

Most of my television viewing in these busy times is through my DVR. This being the case, I rarely watch a commercial these days. Which is a shame, because I’m actually a big fan of a well-thought-out ad campaign.

Back in the stone age, I had quite a fondness for Folger's though I never EVER drink coffee. I learned how to spell bologna from Oscar Meyer…I mean, who would have thought there was a “g” in there. And yes, I would like to be a Pepper, too.

I digress.

The Super Bowl is my chance to relive the glory days. If I don’t see a Budweiser Clydesdale commercial, I feel like a little bit of my soul is missing. And I don’t care what everyone else is saying…chimpanzees are still funny, damnit.

Yes, most of the commercials don’t live up to the hype and a few of them should probably ask for their money back…I’m sure Don Draper is rolling in his grave. But there are some gems out there and in all the hooplah of Super Bowl premieres, you might have missed my favorite one.

It was shown before even the National Anthem was played, but was not considered a Super Bowl commercial, because it actually premiered during the championship games a couple weeks back.

Reasons why it is my favorite commercial…

4. Minor celebrities embarrassing themselves. Enough said.

3. Football players singing. Again I will date myself when I say that I miss the days of the entire Chicago Bears or Oakland Raiders teams on a set of choir risers belting out some sweet lyrical genius.

2. Wind Beneath My Wings. If you are going to cover a song…go big. There is not a bigger “chick” song on the planet than “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

1. Jared Allen. #69 Defensive End for the Minnesota Vikings. Yes, I had to look that up. Disclaimer: I’m only pretty sure DE means Defensive End…I didn’t have time to perform due diligence. Watch to the very end and you will see why. It’s on par with a Sports Center commercial. NAILED IT!

NFL Commercial - Wind Beneath My Wings

Related, but completely switching gears…

H&M. That commercial reportedly cost 2 million pounds. I think that is like 5 million dollars, but again, my due diligence on this blog is for crap. I also don’t know if that includes what they paid for their actual Super Bowl spot, or if that was just production value. Go somewhere else for those facts.

Question:

This commercial was an advertisement for:

1. A $15 dollar pair of underwear.
2. A tattoo artist in slums of London
3. Soccer (or Football for my European readers)
4. Who the fuck cares…it’s David Beckham and he’s practically naked?