Road to Kindergarten, Vol. 12

(Synopsis for those just joining: we live in PM kindergarten zone, sitter lives in AM, transportation department wouldn't agree to pick her up so I've spent the summer awaiting the return of the principal to plead my case.)

Morgan is officially an AM student. I got the call this morning, and he was very kind. Of course he reiterated several times how he was bending the rules for me and only doing it because he could tell how important it was to me.

Well, I would say needing transportation is little more important than someone asking to switch so Suzy and Sally could be in the same classroom. But that's just me.

Not to mention, I was perfectly willing to take the PM slot as long as they ran the bus out there, so let's not go over the top with the martyrdom.

On the other hand, it is impossible not to like this man. He looks quite a bit like dear old Mr. Magoo when he loses his glasses, but doesn't seem to have the same eyesight trouble.

When we went to sign our form, he came out from his office and introduced himself to Morgan. Then he asked her if he could show her some things in the school. Ended up taking us out to the aquarium, then around to the courtyard to look at the gold fish pool, and through the gymnasium.

Morgan giggled the whole time, and I can only imagine it was because she was picturing him trying to go up the down escalator because he got on the wrong one. Or maybe that was just me. Does anyone else remember Mr. Magoo? Where did he go?

Anyway...next week is the Kindergarten Screening and Morgan does not do well under pressure, so we'll see how that goes. I only wish they asked for an oral presentation on the different whale species or how to survive a shark attack. At the very least she could do a recitation of the Jabberwocky poem.

I mean, really...who has to know how to match upper and lower case letters these days?

And this week Zoe has become terrified of the bath tub. I'm talking blood curdling screams the entire time it takes to wash her hair and body, while she make desperate attempts at escape. The culprit? That dang drain. After almost 2 and a half years, she's decided she could possibly go down it with the water. Oh, this is fun!

Murphy's Law Wedding Edition (with Illustration)

My college roommate Allison got married on Friday in Cincinnati. And before I become my usual cynical self, I will take a moment to say how happy I am for her.

Though our actual conversations are few and far between, she is one of those people in my life that when I do finally touch base, it feels like we never skipped a beat. And that's the mark of the truest of friends.

Whenever I'm asked to do one of those little "get to know you" questionnaires and I'm asked to name a person I most admire, it is usually her. I should probably tell her that someday.

We know each other so well that when we got together earlier this spring, we both started talking about "Glee" before even asking if the other one watched it. It was just a given.

Being that Scott and I were out-of-towners that weren't friends with any of the other guests, she could have stuffed us at a back table with somebody their parents forced them to invite, but instead she made room for us up front with her hometown friends. What grace.

I wish her and Drew the very best of everything! Even though we almost didn't get there...

Zoe decided to throw up Friday morning...TWICE. (no photos available, sorry) And then started a fever. I pathetically offered (without out right saying it) to my mom that Scott could maybe possibly stay home, while quietly hoping and all the while knowing that my mom would graciously put herself in harms way to watch over her grand daughters.

Scott is officially allergic to something that comes around at 3 in the afternoon, as that is the precise time that he started his sneezing fit (also no photos available, because I didn't yet know I should be documenting for posterity) in the car, which is roughly what time it started on the way to Columbus the previous weekend.

Due to MAJOR traffic delays around Cincinnati, in spite of the best of intentions, we were 15 minutes late to the ceremony. Which was made only more noticeable when the priest's homily began with some analogy about the view from the front of the church and how he sees everything, including people that are late to mass. Thanks, man.

The one picture that I get to take with the bride...

...my eyes are closed.

The shoes that successfully saw me through 2 other weddings with no issues, caused me to hobble from our car to the hotel room.

The Miami Inn's air conditioning went down. But in an anti-Murphy's Law chain of events, they moved us to the Marcum Conference Center, where we were upgraded to a semi-suite and got the only balcony in the whole building (which we used only to take this picture).

For those unfamiliar with Miami University...it should be known that there is an air of slight personal competition similar to "keeping up with the Joneses" that has a tendency to linger post graduation. So just when you think you have your shit together you realize...

...you're the only one not driving a Porsche ("poor-shuh" - Joey Tribiani). Welcome Porsche Enthusiasts. This explains the weird presence of multiple Porsche in the hotel parking lot the previous night.

And especially for the Stanton Hall girls...

..."Paging Dylan McKay...is there a Dylan McKay here?"

Damn Yankees

But before I get to those Yankees...

The other day we finally got to turn off the air conditioning (but today it's back on). I went around the house opening windows and had a sudden burst of nostalgia. It was early evening. The traffic had died down and you could hear the wind in the branches and the birds and the waves on the lake.

I was suddenly transported to North Main Street circa 1980. I'm six years old. In this memory, I'm at the Sivinski's and we've been sent inside to bed while the parents stay up around the campfire built in the empty lot between Sivinski's and Dillon's.

I'm on the floor of living room on top of one of the madras plaid sleeping bags. I remember those because the outside of them were itchy. This was before the sleeping bag that looked like a bag of Doritos made it's way into their linen closet.

**Sigh** those were the days. So maybe we do need to buy that house next to the Kerber's, so we can send our kids in to bed while we throw back a couple PBRs? Then again, would we ever trust Zoe and Paige together...unsupervised?

And now those Yankees....

I park at Progressive field because it is cheap. Really cheap. The downside to this is that on game nights you have to be out by 5:30 pm or you are charged another dollar each additional 15 minutes you are over.

I have no problem with this rule, as I will gladly leave work as early as humanly possible without getting fired. And I typically have no problem with traffic at that time (especially since the Indians suck so bad).

But Tuesday...my only possible explanation for this scenario is the onslaught of Yankee fans coming to watch the game.

I have never seen such incompetent parking skills in all my life.

1. It is essential that they back into the parking space. Because god forbid they have to wait an extra 60 seconds to back out of their parking spot when they want to leave after the game. Never mind the fact that this person, namely - ME, is trying to leave NOW.

2. In spite of their deep desire to back into a spot, they cannot accomplish this task in less than 20 maneuvers ("Man-oooo-vers" - Eddie Izzard). I will freely admit that I am not good driving in reverse, but here's the difference. I DON'T BACK INTO MY F-ING SPACE!

Sidebar: Equally annoying, but quite infrequent compared to last year, the Little Missus across the street, taking her Maserati out for a spin. The amount of time it takes her to get turned around in her driveway is ridiculous, and that car is LOUD. If you can afford a Maserati, you can afford a valet to turn your car around for you.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Bat

Kindergarten Readiness Update:

There is no update. I have now e-mailed and left a voicemail. The school opens for business next week anyway, so I can just conduct a stake out if I have to. I am now researching other transportation options.

1. Hire a town car with dark windows and driver to whisk her to and from, but charge the bill to the city. As Denise pointed out, my taxes should definitely cover that.

2. Teach her how to skateboard so she can grab hold of the bus bumper as it speeds past Thea's house in the morning, refusing to stop to let her on.

3. Drop her off on their doorstep when I leave for work in the morning, supply her with finger paint, and tell her to be creative.

4. Teleportation or Worm Hole. Both, highly viable solutions if we lived in Eureka.

Lessons Learned Over the Weekend:

The weekend consisting of Tina's birthday dinner on Friday night, driving to Columbus for Kelly's birthday party Saturday night, a Triathlon Sunday morning, the final day of the Tour De France and an episode of True Blood.

1. There can only be one Uncle John.
Mommy: Uncle John's waving at you. Do you want to go see him?
Zoe (adamantly): Not Uncle John. Uncle John not here.
The fact of the situation is my Uncle John (my father's brother) was in the room. But Zoe's Uncle John (my brother) was not. I stand corrected.

2. If you ever want to get attention, borrow a kid with curly hair. I can't go 2 feet next to Zoe without someone stopping me.

3. It is possible to sneeze non-stop from Cleveland to Columbus. Just ask Scott. I offered some of the girls' clean socks that I happened to have in the car when we ran out of tissue, but he declined. I would not have been that proud. Not with that amount of snot. The related lesson learned: Generic truck stop sinus medicine works better than Claritin, which did absolutely nothing.

4. I kick ass at Beer Pong. Okay, maybe not kick ass, since we didn't win, but I have shockingly improved since the last time I played.

5. There are still a lot of people that do not know how to estimate the kilometer to mile conversion.
"More mature" ladies to each other: "Well, now he has to run. I wonder how long that is?"
Me, butting in: "It's a 5k for this one."
Lady: "But how much is that in miles?"
Me, resisting urge of sarcasm: "A little over 3 miles."
Lady: "So how long will that take?"
Really? It's a race! It will take some people a short amount of time, and some people a long amount of time. Get with the program.

6. I don't know the name of who won the Tour De France, but I did see Lance Armstrong finish. Because it's all about the US, isn't it? (Okay, I personally should know the name of who won, since Scott watched all 20 days, and I'm sure that I heard it said, but I honestly don't remember, so maybe it's just all about me.)

7. Sookie is too dumb to try her electric blue fairy power on Lorena. Humans can bite through vampire's skin, but they can't make it look real with special effects. Russell didn't believe Bill's allegiance, but he believes Erik's despite the weirdo smile Erik plasters on his face every time they are together. There is only one werewolf in all of Mississippi that is not white trash.

What I Learned From a Funeral and Other Stories

What I Learned From a Funeral

Being of the soundest mind I could possibly have, given my life, I want the record to show that you should donate what you can then cremate the rest of my body. Under no circumstances do I want people coming to gaze at my corpse. Yes, one of these days I'll have my attorney (AKA husband) put that in a legal document, known to most people as a will. Until then, you have been warned! Don't make me haunt you.

Guess who?
"Sometimes at cemeteries people stand in a circle while they put the box in the ground."
"Where did you learn that?"
"Jaws IV"

It actually is acceptable to jostle an open casket around in the middle of a viewing while family and friends look on, because it wasn't quite sitting right on the pedestal.

More people wear their keys attached to the belt loop of their nicest blue jeans than I had imagined.

What I didn't learn from a funeral, but wondered on the way to the cemetery: What happens if an emergency vehicle was traveling in the same direction as the funeral procession? I mean, I realize the emergency vehicle would have the right of way, but how could one possibly get around that line of traffic? I should have asked Morgan, she probably knew.

Other Story (not for the squeamish)

Scott calling from the back door: "Anna, can you bring me a rag...quickly?"
Anna, debating in kitchen between drawer of dish towels and roll of paper towels: "How big of a rag?"
Scott: "BIG. I dropped the pruners on my foot. Just so you know, it's bleeding...a lot."

Anna gets to door where pools of blood have developed and sees a trail leading back to the potting shed.

Anna: "Do you need me to have someone get you to the emergency room?"
Scott: "Just call my dad."

Oh, that's right, Papa Turtle, DDS. I love our family.

Dentist (AKA Dad) arrives while Anna gets Scott to sit down on the garage floor and let her apply the pressure.

Scott: "I think I might be going into shock"

He does look quite green and is sweating more profusely than even this hellish weather should permit. I don't know why. He only spurted out enough blood to supply a Wes Craven movie.

We lay the patient down and I get him some water. After working through the shock, showing Morgan his bloody foot, one trip to Walgreen's by the good doctor, an unpleasant moment involving anti-bacterial sanitizer in an open wound, butterfly bandages applied and a wet Cinderella wash cloth offered by Morgan to clean him up, he's ready for his next triathlon.

On a side note we pulled into the girls' swimming lesson a couple hours later and see the Red Cross is there and set up a big sign that reads "Blood Donors Needed". The irony.

Mommy Day

As opposed to a "Thea" Day. Formally known as Morgan and Mommy Day, but I'm trying to break Morgan's habit of calling it that, since I'm sure it will be yet another scar on Zoe's psyche. This was intended to be a day in the week that I didn't work and spent quality time with my children while doing 500 loads of laundry.

This week, however, was actually back to "Morgan and Mommy" because Morgan got a photo shoot in Columbus and while the original plan was to take Zoe with me, the more I thought about the trip, the less optimistic I became. So I shipped her off to Thea's instead.

7:30 am - Out of bed and do the normal making of beds, getting laundry to the basement, emptying dishwasher type work. I had promised a stop at the library in the morning and my plan was to have the car packed for our trip by 9:15.

Items that thwarted this plan...unable to find power adapter for portable DVD player (still in Scott's car), unable to find DVD that was due at the library (ended up renewing it and finding it later when we get home), unable to find cream colored tights to take to shoot (never existed, except in my head, apparently). Actually, compared to some days, we didn't do too bad, although I did have to run back in the house because I forgot to close the downstairs windows after I turned on the AC. That could have been bad.

9:35 am - Leave for library. The girls have to show their summer reading contest treasure maps to get their stickers and prize drawing entry. And Morgan wants new Strawberry Shortcake DVDs. I figure we can leave by 10:15.

Items that thwarted this plan...Snuggle Bugs started at 10 for the 3 and under kids. Zoe usually goes to this, although we haven't been all summer, but I felt bad because they saw all the other kids going into the room so I made the deal that we could go but had to walk out of the library as soon as Snuggle Bugs was over.

10:30 am - Leave for Thea's. Mapquest says it's a 2 1/2 hour drive, but we know that is an over estimate and I planned on being on the road by 10:45, which does happen, So I should be there by 1:00.

Items that thwarted this plan...My laptop, which I brought for Morgan to watch the DVD since the battery was completely charged, has an automatic screen saver on it that requires a password. So I pull into a parking lot in North Olmsted, unlock the screen saver and try to get into my settings, which freezes the media player. Have to reboot the entire computer and then change the screen saver settings and then restart the movie before getting back on the road. 15 more minutes into the drive, the screen saver comes back on. Ugh! But Morgan actually was content to listen to the entire movie without being able to see it. We still made it by 1:20pm.

1:30 pm - Call Time. These contracts usually say that Morgan gets paid for a minimum of 2 hours, but it rarely takes more than an hour. I figured it would take the full 2 since I was told she would be in 3 separate outfits this time, so that puts us on the road back home at 3:30.

Items that thwarted this plan...She didn't get called to hair and make up until 2:45 and her first picture was taken around 3:00. This made Morgan a little antsy and more concerned with how tight the shoes were, which meant a longer time getting the shot they needed. All the outfits of the day could be stepped into, so they would do her hair and then put the outfit on, but in her second change the dress suddenly had to go over her head which had just been topped with a tiara. This meant the tiara had to come off, dress put on, and hair re-done. (Also, I do not recommend the "Snow Princess" pattern, as none of the fabric laid nicely and Morgan hated how it slipped around her). Since she was the only kid there and they were trying to set up another shot for the next day, they kept using her to take test shots in between her outfit changes.

4:30 pm - On our way home. Nana T graciously agrees to pick Zoe up from Thea's for me. Home by 7:00 pm. (stopped to get gas and decided Morgan should probably eat more than the snack food she had all day, and I figured we were so beyond late that stopping at Burger King was the least of my problems)

On a related note of Murphy's Law, Scott stayed downtown for a "going away" party for one of the firm's secretaries and had to take a cab home, because his car got locked in the garage after 10:00 pm. Classic!

Oh, but I do wish I had a tape recorder going during hair and make up, because Morgan never shut up. "You sure have a lot of stuff. This is a big mirror. The chair is weird. Are you going to use that brush? Do I get to wear lipgloss? My sister tries to wear my lipgloss and she makes a big mess Is that the dress I'm going to wear? What shoes am I going to wear? Are they going to be tight? Those flowers are pretty. You have more make up than my mom. These shoes are just like Zoe's only bigger..."

So watch your Joann Stores' Halloween ads (both newspaper, mail and website). Morgan will be Belle (from Beauty and the Beast), a pink Snow Princess, and then just a cute pink and brown patterned mini dress (which was completely darling, so maybe I'll actually get that sewing machine out of its box!).

Very Merry Unbirthday

In keeping with the theme of forgetting everyone's birthday, I will not be wishing Kelly a Happy Birthday in this blog today.

BC (before children), Scott and I longed for a dog, so upon entering home ownership, we immediately set out to do just that. We knew we wanted a bigger breed, and preferably one that was not too active, since we both worked full time, so St. Bernard seemed like the obvious choice.

An ad placed by a Mennonite family had the right price on it, so we took a drive into pseudo-Amish country to take a look. With a mother and father that topped out at over 200 pounds, we picked our little bundle of joy from the two males that were left, based on the fact that he was just slightly bigger than the other one.

I was at the height of my Harry Potter obsession, so he was christened Brittany's Sir Potter with the AKC and just plain Potter to his friends. He was a rather large ball of fluff and since Mennonites (at least these ones) don't use vets, he still had his nonfunctional dew claws sticking out. But we loved him anyway.

I had been assigned to a client that made me drive all over the greater Cleveland area auditing apartment complexes, so I got to do the majority of my work from home. Perfect time to get a puppy.

Two weeks later I was re-assigned to what turned into an eight month commute to Augusta, GA every week. So there went obedience school.

We first tried keeping Potter to the kitchen. This was our starter home, and we had big plans for a kitchen remodel so we weren't too concerned with what he did to it. Overall, the pee did loosen up the linoleum tiles and made them easier to pull off!

I don't exactly remember when he took the time to beaver his way through each leg of the dining room furniture, but when I tried to donate it to the furniture bank, they said they couldn't take it.

Eventually, he was banished to the basement on our departure, but it wasn't a bad deal. It was bigger than the kitchen and he had his own bar.

Midway through his first year, I came home to find a plant knocked over (must have been before his basement days). Later he proceeded to puke up bright green bile...every hour...all night long. He couldn't eat or drink without puking.

He had his stomach scoped...twice. The only thing they could find was chew toy stuffing, and we all know that is edible. The puking went on for SEVEN days, as did the hunger strike. Never did find out what was wrong with him, but on day eight he started eating again. If you've followed the blog at all, I don't need to re-hash his Irritable Bowel Syndrome "incidents". He topped out at 130 pounds and I blame that plant.

To most people, 130 pounds is quite substantial, but every time I see another St. Bernard, I realize how puny ours is. Adding to the puniness is the fact that the damn dog never sat still! He was in your face, on your lap, hogging the bed covers. He was a menace on a leash, chasing after every squirrel, chipmunk, and rabbit that crossed his path. Most often without any warning.

These days he finally lays low and spends more time chasing rabbits in his dreams than in real life. He turned 8 last week. In people years that's technically 56, but you gotta add on some more time for the larger breed and he's probably more like 80.

Last night Zoe laid across him giggling because he was panting so hard from the heat that it was like a ride for her.

I have a feeling his eye sight and maybe even sense of smell are fading. (Crumbs that I leave on the floor have to eventually be swept up.) He can barely navigate stairways (I have to actually stand behind him and prod on the ones that come in from the garage) and there is a permanent hitch in his step (which always becomes more pronounced when we leave him in someone else's care while we are on vacation).

So to my first born for his birthday...I will try to not yell at you so much when you take Oreos out of Zoe's hand while she's still eating them, I will turn on the air conditioning, and I'll let you have a Beggin' Strip, even if it means I have to wake up at 3 am to let you out of the house.

Taken August 18, 2008