My Two Loves

(Disclaimer: I'm pretending that I haven't taken a year off of blogging and just jumping right back in.)

Lately I've been trying to decide which I passionately hate more:  Common Core math or PCAOB Auditing Requirements for Internal Controls around Financial Reporting.

I know there are people out there that will argue that the way we learned basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division back in the day (flashcards and School House Rock) was a gross disservice to our tiny little minds.  I know they are out there, but I haven't met them.

Yes, if you couldn't memorize math facts, you really weren't given any other option.  I get that could have left some students behind and I feel for them.  I honestly do.  But I'm not sure how making a student who DOES instinctively know a math fact learn four different ways to come up with the same answer any better?

And its no longer enough to know the answer.  You have to explain WHY you know the answer.  Math has become a creative writing assignment. (So if you aren't particularly good at spelling, grammar or expressing yourself in writing, you might as well pack up your crayons and go home.)

And then there is the constant state of distrust, second guessing and mis-communication that is otherwise known as coordinating an external audit with a Big 4 accounting firm.  Because if you didn't write it down, you didn't do it.  And if you did write it down, but nobody checked your work it can't be relied upon. And if you did write it down, and someone checked your work, it's quite possible that you're both wrong because neither of you checked to see if the system you got the information from in the first place was not compromised by disgruntled parents of common core students.

So for the fun of it I'm going to take an extremely egregious common core problem and apply the audit standards. Yes, this is an actual text book problem I got from on the line in the internets.

"Juanita wants to give bags of stickers to her friends.  She wants to give the same number of stickers to each of her friends. She's not sure if she needs 4 bags or 6 bags of stickers.  How many stickers could she buy so there are no stickers left over?"

(Disclaimer 2:  I'm not sure for what grade this question was intended, but obviously the answer is that Juanita shouldn't hand out stickers unless she has enough for the whole class.  Just for her friends?  That's horse shit!)

(Disclaimer 3:  I LOVE story problems.  They were probably my favorite part of math. I used to do brain teaser grids for fun!  You wish you were my friend.  I do NOT know the actual answer to the above problem, which I can only hope was just a large copy editor fail.)

So is she buying BAGS of stickers or is she buying INDIVIDUAL stickers? Has she consulted a working group and presented the cost benefit analysis of bags v. individual before making that decision?  Did she get the board of directors to approve for her final decision? Was it documented in the minutes and physically signed off by a member of the board?

Because if she's BUYING bags of stickers and she want to GIVE them bags of stickers, this is a no brainer.  Oh, except for the fact that we don't know how many friends she has.  Or how many less friends she will have if she doesn't buy the right number of fucking stickers.

And how much do these stickers cost?  Does she even have enough money? Has she explained the variance between the amount of money she budgeted to spend with the actual amount and escalated a variance larger than 5% of the total assets to an SVP for further review and approval?

What's the fair market value of those stickers.  Did she verify the price of stickers at Target is the same as the price of the stickers at Walgreens?  What if she buys the stickers on Friday and they are marked down on Monday?  Should she go buy more stickers or recognize the loss of value in her Income Statement.

And how do we know if the stickers that she gave out are the complete population of stickers?  Did she have an independent party count the number of stickers she gave away and balance them back to control totals around the original amount of stickers she had on hand?

What if her ass hat brother replaced the unicorn stickers with pieces of green painters tape (the kind that doesn't leave a residue when you pull it off the wall, of course)?  Because I can guarantee you if I got a bag of pieces of painter's tape I'm going to file a complaint with the SEC and Juanita's going to have a lot of explaining to do around her general access controls at the next shareholders meeting.  You suck, Juanita.  Stop buying stickers and put a lock on bedroom door!

I'll take my meds now.  And by meds, I'm referring to Oreos and milk.